my soul shall live for Him

Surgery Tomorrow

2011-12-01T14:17:00.003-05:00

I would greatly appreciate prayers for my surgery tomorrow. It's scheduled for 11:30 and should take about two hours. The doctor gave me a long list of possible complications and I've been reading about all the"joys" of instant menopause (more difficult than normal menopause) so I must admit I'm a bit nervous but I keep telling myself that our dear Lord has a plan in it all. Last night before going to bed I was very tired and it all hit me and the tears started and the fear crept in that my life will never be the same. Perhaps it won't be, but Mark kept comforting me with the thought that things will be all right and that I will get through with His strength and His grace.

Last night Beth and I went to see a production of White Christmas with some other mothers and daughters, and as I was sitting there, I noticed in the audience one of my high school friends. Her husband died several weeks after I was diagnosed last May and I remembered how I felt going to his funeral and seeing her pain. It was all so surreal to me then that she was widowed and that I had cancer. Those feelings came back seeing her and I teared up a bit sitting there last night and the reality of it hit me all over again. I imagine that there have been times when she wished she could wake up and have her husband back just like I've had moments of wishing I could go back to my life before cancer.
But I reminded myself that life moves forward....we are all on that journey to our eternal home and the dear Lord has asked us to trust in Him and move forward through these difficult times. I must admit to having moments of wavering but I have also been graced with moments of thanksgiving that the dear Lord has entrusted me with this opportunity to grow in grace through this suffering.
I pray that I have the strength, the faith, the grace to accept it all and offer it up peacefully and joyfully.
Thank you again for all of your prayers. You have all been such a comfort to me.

Dear Blessed Mother, please pray for me....

Better This Time

2011-11-29T21:43:00.004-05:00

I was thinking yesterday that the last time I went for a mammogram, it was cool and rainy just like yesterday. I even parked my car in the same place. But this time, I came out with a smile on my face....all clear and it will be six months before I have to go again.
Now I just have to get through the surgery on Friday.
Thank you again, everyone, for the prayers....=)

Next Step

2011-11-28T09:04:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling more nervous this morning than I expected. I have to go for my first mammogram since surgery and I didn't think it was bothering me but this morning there's that little fear that they will find something new.
When I went to the oncologist a few weeks back, she was not upset that I had stopped the medicine. In fact, it was definitely the right thing to do. Unfortunately, the tamoxifen has now caused other issues and I am now scheduled to have a hysterectomy and my ovaries removed on Friday. Instant menopause here I come. Many combining factors in my life now put me at a higher risk for ovarian cancer and I will be a little relieved to not have that worry.
But it is crazy around here with our kitchen being remodeled and Christmas coming. I have about a hundred things I would like to get finished this week but I know it simply isn't all going to happen.
And I have peace with that. It's been so strange that through all of this, I have rarely prayed for my healing. I have left that prayer for my family and friends and have mainly prayed that our dear Lord will bless me with the grace and strength to offer it all up...to not waste the suffering. But some days this is not easy to do and I have found myself praying this time that there will be no complications with this surgery; that all will go well and that the side effects of the new medication that I will need to take won't be too bad.
I keep reminding myself that I need to trust....to trust in His plan for my life. Every day that we live is simply a step to the final destination...to our eternal home.
I am so thankful for all of the prayers and for all of the support of my family and friends and am humbled by the prayers of people who I've only met online....the blessings that come from my brothers and sisters in Christ that are all over the world.
God is good indeed, always.
A blessed day to all....

Six Months Out

2011-11-08T09:39:00.002-05:00

Last week marked the six month point since my diagnosis. This morning I have an appointment with my oncologist which I'm dreading. I started taking tamoxifen six weeks ago and it didn't go well. I was having scary side effects and I felt like I had a permanent case of terrible PMS. Poor Mark...
I stopped taking it without calling my doctor because I was afraid she would tell me to keep taking it anyway...long story and I have found that people really don't want to know all of the details. The few people who ask me how I am these days really only want to hear me say that I'm doing fine so that's what I have learned to tell them.
So I know the oncologist isn't going to be happy with me this morning and that I will have to move on to option 2 which probably won't be fun either. But that's my life right now...
So any prayers you could send my way would be greatly appreciated. I know the dear Lord has a plan and it's better than mine...
A blessed day to all....

Radiation Over, Now Vacation

2011-09-14T08:53:00.003-04:00

Mark and I are enjoying the beautiful beaches and weather of Hilton Head this week and I thought I would take a minute to update here. I am so grateful to have radiation finished and behind me. The hormonal treatment phase is next....the one I'm actually dreading the most because it's supposed to go on for five years and there's too many options and nasty side effects possible and I'm still not feeling peaceful about it. Perhaps I will when I start.
For all who are not my facebook friends, we were in a car accident in our church parking lot on the 4th of September. Sounds like not a big deal at first, but a 15 year old with just his temps and no parent in the car with him, was driving their van from the back parking lot to pick up his mom near the church and came around a building going the wrong way and plowed into the side of our van. He was going at least 30 mph, probably faster, and pushed our whole van over the curb and then farther into the grass.
Michael was reaching up to put his seat belt on and the jolts made him dislocate his shoulder and hit his head on the side window. Mark hit his knee on the steering column and is still sporting a bruise there and also has bruises from his seat belt. My seat belt was right over my incision from my surgery and I am now bruised and sore all over again. John alone was unscathed....yay!
My poor van was totaled by their insurance company though our insurance company thought it was fixable so we're getting it fixed...an answer to prayer.

So Mark and I are enjoying a rental vehicle for our vacation and hoping that things will be calmer when we return home. 2011 has not been our best year for sure and part of me is wondering what else might happen this year but I know that it is all part of His glorious plan....nothing happens to us that He has not allowed. He will see us through.

A blessed day to all....

Halfway to Christmas

2011-06-24T10:29:00.001-04:00

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that it is the Feast of the Birth of St. John the Baptist which also means that it is halfway back through the year to Christmas. It's hard to imagine that six months ago it was Christmas Eve and I had no thought in my mind that in six months our friend Kay would be dying of cancer and that I would be getting ready to have radiation treatments for cancer myself. Life surely can change quickly....

I know I haven't written much lately but I've actually spent much of my free time at home reading about treatment options. There is so much information out there and so many different opinions. It boggles my mind at times but I keep praying for direction and discernment. I went to the radiation oncologist on Tuesday for my consultation and she totally agreed with our decision to skip chemo. She couldn't understand why it had even been offered to me. A few other things she said made me think that I definitely need to get a second opinion about hormone therapy. I don't want to be pushed into something I don't need. She also called my surgeon while I was there and asked her why my clear margin was so small on one side (only 1mm). It turns out that my tumor was that close to my chest wall...yikes! I was so close to being stage 3; just 1mm(the thickness of a dime) away...the dear Lord is good indeed. It does reinforce our decision to do the radiation.

On Tuesday, they did a simulation and marked me all up. I am now blessed with some nice black X's and round sticky tape. I will have my first radiation treatment on Monday. I'm going to have 23 treatments to the general area and then a two week break before I get 8 boosts, which are treatments that are directed exactly at the area where my tumor was. This is more than the usual number of boosts but that's because my clear margin was so small on the side that was next to my chest wall. They want to make sure that there are no little bad cells still floating around there. I should hopefully being finishing up just in time to start school with John. The common side effects are burn to the area and fatigue. I've read online that the fatigue can last for months after the treatments are over. Time will tell...

I am so grateful for all of the prayers. I know that His grace is the only thing keeping me from getting in the panic mode. It's also what is keeping me from staying in the self-pity mode. There have been moments when I've fallen into feeling sorry for myself and His grace keeps me from staying there long. I was talking to a friend about it last weekend and told her that I had moments of struggle in this area but then remind myself that lots of people have had to deal with far more than I am and how blessed I feel to have such a wonderfully supportive husband, family, and friends. She said that she always reminds herself when she's tempted to say "Why me?" that she should be saying "Why NOT me?" Wise words indeed and I know that I will keep her words in mind any time that I'm tempted to go there.

Three weeks ago we were at the wedding of the son of dear friends of ours and at the end we were watching the couple dance one more time and two of my friends were sitting by me holding their grandbabies and I got all teary-eyed wondering if I would get to be at my children's weddings and hold my grandbabies someday. I keep telling myself that I have to keep trusting in His plan; that He knows what is best. It's not always easy to do but with His grace I can do all things...

Michael's Graduation Day!!

2011-06-01T16:12:00.000-04:00

Today is Michael's high school graduation day! It's a beautiful day and I'm happy and thankful that I'm feeling well and can enjoy it.

Where did the years go? Michael has grown up so quickly. I can't believe that it will just be John and me at the kitchen table doing school next year and then he too will be graduating. I am so grateful to our dear Lord for these years He has given me with my babies....what a blessing they have been to my life!

Tomorrow I go back to the oncologist and find out my test results but today is Michael's day....13 years of his work and mine together coming to an end.

I'm a proud mama indeed.

A blessed day to you all....

Back to Waiting Cancer Day 25

2011-05-26T17:09:00.000-04:00

I am relieved to be able to write that the biopsy on my lymph node was negative...no cancer there....what a blessing! I was so happy for a few minutes thinking that now I would only need six weeks of radiation treatment and something to deal with the hormones that were feeding the cancer I had. Then the oncologist broke my happy bubble and told me that I may very well need chemotherapy after all. To say I'm not happy about this is putting it mildly. It's not just the months of feeling lousy; it's also the long-term effects that it could have. Will I be trading one illness for another? Who knows...

Fortunately, there is a new test for people with my type of breast cancer called Oncotype DX. They take a sample of the tumor and do a molecular study of it that can give some indication as to the chance of recurrence. I'm hoping that I have a very low number so that the doctor will think it's pointless to do chemo. Either way, I'm praying that the dear Lord will make whatever I'm supposed to do clear.

All the interruptions in my life is also affecting my prayer life. I've had myself in a routine and when I have early morning doctor appointments to deal with, it starts my day out all wrong. I had medical appointments on the last four days. Michael had an appointment on Monday with a cardiologist that turned out well; I had my bone scan and CT scan on Tuesday; John had an orthodontic appointment yesterday; I had my PET scan today. Monday I missed my morning prayer time because our alarm clock didn't go off and we woke up 35 minutes before it was time to leave for his 7:45 appointment. But fortunately, I did better the last three days and it always makes such a difference in the way my day goes.

For the most part, I have done well with handling it all emotionally but last Friday was a bad day. I have to admit I let myself get into a self-pity mode and cried a lot. Part of it is just all the changes in my life because of the disease and the feeling that I've lost control of my days. Friday night Mark and I went to Adoration for an hour and a half and what a difference it made! By the end of our time there, I had calmed down again and was feeling better about things. I'm really striving to trust our dear Lord with my life, but I do have moments of just plain feeling scared and sad.

On Tuesday, they had problems with my IV and ended up infiltrating me. By midafternoon, my arm was swelling up and then my hand starting getting numb and tingling. I called my doctor who told me to go to the ER. Poor Michael drove me there; he was more nervous than I was but I had heard some horror stories about infiltration and it's a bit unnerving to feel your skin getting tighter and tighter. Fortunately, a steroid shot helped a lot and by Wednesday afternoon, it was much better. I laughingly told the nurse who called me the next day that my tests might kill me before the cancer!

With three tests this week and my oncotype DX, I'm back to waiting for results again. I have an appointment with my oncologist next Thursday and I'm wondering if she will make me wait until then for the results. I know she won't want to tell me anything until she has all the results and with the holiday weekend, I'm not sure when that will be. I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's not always easy. I was laying on the table, going through the PET scan this morning, praying and hoping that nothing shows up...a strange feeling.

It is nice to think that I have no doctor appointments for a whole week....Yay!!! Tomorrow is our last day of school and I'm going to strive to just enjoy the long weekend and having some normal days. I'm also looking online for a place for Mark and I to go on vacation when my treatment is over. I'm really hoping that I just need radiation which means we could go on vacation in September. A week at the beach with my darlin' husband would be wonderful. If I need chemo, it might not happen. The earliest I would be able to finish my treatments in that case would be late November and I love the holidays so much that I wouldn't want to go then. I'll just have to put it all in His hands.

Jesus, I trust in You..

Thank you again, everyone, for your prayers...they mean so much to me. I hope and pray that all of you are having a blessed Thursday.

Morning of Surgery Day 15

2011-05-16T09:01:00.000-04:00

I was awake early this morning....my hands are a bit shaky as I type. It is a cool, cloudy day...when I put up the shade in our bathroom this morning and I looked out, I asked the dear Lord if I could see one little glimpse of blue sky. Just then some clouds moved and I got a glimpse of a tiny patch of blue; very quickly it disappeared again. God is good, indeed.

"O God beyond all praising,

We worship you today

And sing the love amazing

That songs cannot repay;

For we can only wonder

At every gift you send,

At blessings without number

And mercies without end;

We lift our hearts before you

And wait upon your word,

We honor and adore you,

Our great and mighty Lord."

Friday evening, Mark and I went to the archbishop's dinner at the seminary here in Cincinnati. We donate to the seminary every year and so we are invited to this dinner. It begins with Mass at 5:30. This was the first verse of the closing hymn.

After Mass, they have a social hour where everyone stands around, having a glass of wine and eating appetizers. Mark and I don't actually know many people at this, but every year we meet someone new. We were standing alone talking for a few minutes when a man in his early 40's came up to us and introduced himself as one of the seminarians from the diocese of Toledo, Ohio. We started talking and he told us about his life in the Coast Guard for twenty years before deciding to enter the seminary. He then proceeded to tell us that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, stage 4, last fall. I had thought earlier that he didn't look very healthy....I ended up telling him about my diagnosis. We talked about how he had managed to get through the school year undergoing treatment.

"The flower of earthly splendor in time must surely die,

It's fragile bloom surrender to you, the Lord most high;

But hidden from all nature the eternal seed is sown

Though small in mortal stature, to heaven's garden grown;

For Christ the man from heaven and death has set us free,

And we through him are given the final victory."

I didn't tell him about my brother, David, dying from pancreatic cancer three years ago...I'm sure he is already well aware of his odds. I was in awe at the peace in him. A few minutes later, a couple from our parish, who have a son who is a priest, came up to us and interrupted our conversation but we promised to pray for one another.

Shortly before 7:30, they called us in for dinner. Table seating is assigned and we ended up being at a table with that seminarian, two other seminarians, a retired priest, and a deacon and his wife. I was seated next to a seminarian named Andrew, who went to the Josephinum with Will and Johnny, and we struck up a conversation. He told me how amazing the seminarian with cancer has been all year; how he has persevered despite difficult treatments and illness. What a blessing it was to me to hear this...

"Then hear, O gracious Savior,

Accept the love we bring,

That we who know your favor

May serve you as our King;

And whether our tomorrows,

Be filled with good or ill,

We'll triumph through our sorrows

And rise to bless you still;

To marvel at your beauty

And glory in your ways,

And make a joyful duty

Our sacrifice of praise."

All night long, every time I awakened, this hymn was running through my mind. It is on my lips this morning; especially this last verse. I wish I could say that my fears are completely gone, however I am comforted in knowing that He is with me through it all.

I am thankful indeed for that, and for all of the prayers of my dear friends, near and far.

A blessed, peaceful day to all.....

This Roller Coaster Ride Called Cancer Day 12

2011-05-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

I found out yesterday that my surgery will be Monday afternoon at 2:30. Today, a nurse from the hospital called to tell me that I need to be there by noon because I'm scheduled for a needle localization at 1 before the surgery. News to me. It turns out that I have to have dye injected into the area before the surgery and the idea doesn't sound too appealing, especially since I will be awake.

I have to admit I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. Most days I have done very well, being upbeat and cheerful. Today I was fine until the nurse called me and it all struck me again. I ended up crying while I took my shower...a good place to do it because then the boys don't see. I've tried very hard to keep my spirits up in front of them so that I don't scare them.

All along, some of the mornings have been the hardest and I've always felt better after I go to noon Mass. The Eucharist is such a gift! Today, however, I didn't go to noon Mass because Mark and I have been invited to the Archbishop's dinner at the seminary and they are having Mass before dinner. At this point, I don't really feel like going to the dinner but I know I will feel better once I get out of the house and think about something else. I also know that the Mass there will be beautiful....it always is. =)

I think I'll go take a nap and then finish up all the prep work for the boys' schoolwork for next week. I want to have everything ready before Monday so that we can get through the school week easily. I have no idea how I will feel after surgery. I've checked some forums and some women have little discomfort after surgery and some are miserable for weeks...time will tell! I just keep praying and know that our dear Lord and His Blessed Mother will see me through.

A blessed, peaceful Friday to all....

Waiting, Waiting, and More Waiting....Day 10

2011-05-11T10:55:00.001-04:00

Now that the MRI is over, I'm waiting for the surgeon's scheduler to call me to tell me when my surgery is going to be. I think the woman may be into torture....hehe....I definitely think the dear Lord is trying to teach me more patience and is reminding me that I'm not in control of my life.

The MRI was interesting. When they called me back into the room where the scanner was, all dressed up in my hospital gown, the young lady tech asked me if they had explained the procedure I was about to undergo. I answered that they hadn't. She then proceeded to tell me that I was about to endure an hour of torture. The exact word she used was "torture". She said it with a very serious face.

She wasn't kidding.

I won't go into all the details but I had hoped that I could say my rosary while I was in there. That didn't happen. All I could manage was a few "Hail Mary's" and little prayers to our dear Lord, the Blessed Mother, and my guardian angel to keep me from moving and yelling out, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" I have a bit of claustrophobia and laying in there, face-down, with an IV in my arm, my arms above my head, constant pressure on my breastbone, all of which was very uncomfortable, and not being allowed to move one tiny bit for an hour was difficult. Every time I started to feel a moment of panic, I thought of our dear Lord hanging on the Cross, and offered it up to Him.

I lost all track of time. I was so grateful when she called in to me and told me that there were 3 more three minute intervals to go....the end was near.

I was so happy and relieved to get out of there, that I practically ran out to Beth who was in the waiting room. We went outside into a beautiful spring day and I felt like someone had given my life back to me. =) We went out for a very nice mother-daughter lunch and I could laugh at my panicky moments and be so thankful that I had only to endure one hour of torture where our dear Lord endured more than three of much, much worse.

God is good indeed, always.....

A blessed day to all....

MRI today

2011-05-09T10:56:00.002-04:00

I have my MRI today at noon...I'm praying that I can lay still for that hour...I'm such a fidgety person. One of my friends told me..."Remember when your kids were little and you prayed that you could lay down for an hour? Well, God is answering your prayer." Hehehe....
Smiling about that and praying will get me through...

Day 5

2011-05-07T00:37:00.001-04:00

I finally was able to schedule my MRI for Monday afternoon. I won't know until after that when my surgery is. I just want it to be over with.

It's so strange to know that I have this disease inside of me that could end my life and yet I feel perfectly healthy.

I wake up in the morning and it hits me all over again. I did have a pretty good day today. Denise and I went out to Indiana and picked up the beef we had ordered from a farmer. We had lunch together. Mark and I went out for dinner alone since John was at a friend's house and Michael was at work. Then we went and spent some time with our dear Lord at Adoration.

A normal day except for making an appointment and receiving paperwork that I have to fill out from the oncologist before I go to my first appointment on May 19th. I cringed when I opened the mailbox and there was this big envelope with my name and Oncologist Care Inc. as the return address.

But God has a purpose in everything that He permits to happen in our lives. I'm praying that I can still keep that thought close to my heart when the time for more physical suffering comes. But for now, the suffering is mostly emotional; the biopsy was the only actual physical pain. I want to keep in mind that this is His gift...drawing me closer.

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all...

Living with Cancer Day 4

2011-05-05T09:46:00.001-04:00

The sun is shining; the sky is a brilliant blue today. It's been so dreary that it is definitely good to see a beautiful day; it lifts my spirits.

I had forgot to mention what else had happened the day before my biopsy. Several weeks ago, Michael got a new job working in the kitchen of a nursing home. He had to have a physical beforehand which involved lots of the typical tests. When he went back for the final results, the doctor told him that he had protein in his urine and should go to his regular doctor. I looked it up online and I wasn't too concerned because he didn't have any other problem symptoms such as high blood pressure or sugar in his urine to go with it. I told him he should make an appointment but being 18, he pushed it off and it was at the same time my problems started and I'm sorry to say that it went to the back of my mind.

The afternoon before my biopsy, Michael went to his friend's house to help his family. His friend's dad had had hip replacement surgery and was coming home. Around 5 o'clock, Michael calls me and asks me if Beth is at work. I told him yes and asked him what he wanted Beth for. He just said nevermind and hung up. Argh!!! Ten minutes later, Beth calls me and says that Michael had texted her. It seems that when his friend's dad had come home, they had rented a blood pressure machine to use at home and they were all trying it out. It kept saying that Michael's blood pressure was 150/98 or so. He hadn't want to tell me and upset me but he called his sister the nurse and talked to her. Beth, of course, called me afraid that Michael wouldn't tell me. I immediately called him and told him to go to Kroger's or Walgreen's or some such place and check his blood pressure there. While he was doing that, I made the mistake of googling "high blood pressure and protein in urine" on the internet. A lot of scary stuff comes up when you do that! Michael called me and said that his blood pressure was 135/95 on Kroger's machine. I immediately called the doctor and talked to one of the nurses who talked to the doctor. They asked if he had a headache and when I told them no, they said to bring him in the morning at 8:30.

I hardly slept all night. I was more worried about Michael than myself after seeing all the possibilities of kidney disease that high blood pressure and protein in the urine can be symptoms of. I was so afraid that disaster was going to hit us twice and I knew that I would rather have something wrong with myself than with Michael. When we got to his doctor's office they tested his urine and blessedly, it was normal...no protein. But his blood pressure was still high so she told us to get his cholesterol levels tested and take him to a cardiologist. I was thankful that it's probably something we can deal with. His test results came back yesterday and the doctor called and told me that they were all in the good normal range and that it would probably help if he could lose a few more pounds and exercise more. His appointment with the cardiologist is on May 23rd and meanwhile, he and two of his friends joined a gym and they've been going every morning together and work out. I'm hopeful that this will all help.

I started writing this in the morning; it is now evening. I didn't have the best afternoon. I was supposed to have my MRI scan done today or tomorrow but the insurance company didn't approve it until this morning and the MRI office hasn't called yet to schedule so I know it probably won't get done until next week and my surgery will be put off longer. When the surgeon's scheduler called me, I asked her about scheduling my surgery and she said that we wouldn't do that until after the scan when we knew what we were dealing with. Her words froze my heart and for a few hours, I was scared again. But the dear Lord is good....I told a few people who I knew would pray for me and I spent a little time at church with our Lord and when Mark came home, I began to cheer up again.

I am off now to my usual hour of Adoration on Thursday...always a blessed, peaceful time. I am hopeful that I will feel once again His joy in knowing that He is calling me to the privilege of suffering with Him.

A peaceful night to you all....thank you again for your prayers...they are such a blessing to me.

Living with Cancer Day 3

2011-05-04T07:21:00.000-04:00

I've debated to myself about writing about my experiences these last three weeks...would it seem like whining? Would it help someone else who's going through it too? I'm hopeful that it will be of help to someone else someday who googles those words.

I woke up this morning and it hit me again....I have cancer. For almost three weeks, I woke up with the thought that I might have it and in my heart I knew I did those weeks of waiting.But now I know for sure.

Lent began wonderfully. I was inspired to do a better fast than I ever have; my prayerlife was flowing; I started doing my reconsecration to our dear Blessed Mother and it was having so much more meaning to me than ever. The consolations were flowing. Life was very good. Around week 3 of Lent, I started realizing that our dear Lord was getting me ready for something, but I didn't know what.

The first week in April, I scheduled my yearly mammogram and had it done on Friday, April 8th. I walked out of there not even thinking that there would be a problem but that it was just one of those things checked off on my list of things to do. My mom's 87th birthday was that weekend and I spent the next two days getting ready for her birthday party that I was hosting at our house. I was busy and the mammogram went to the back of mind. On Tuesday morning, I had a dental appointment. I had a tooth that needed a crown and I was dreading the procedure. My new dentist is a very nice man but slow. It took two hours of dental torture before he was finished.

When I got home, a message was on the answering machine. I needed to call the hospital where I had the mammogram done. And that's when it hit me; in my heart I knew.

I called and the woman told me quickly that I needed to have a diagnostic mammogram done on my left side and that scheduling would call me. Several hours later, a pleasant young man who seemed all flustered called me. I unfortunately would have to wait a week for it to be done. The waiting began...

The boys knew; they had heard the message on the machine. I called Mark and Beth. I told two of my brothers that I saw in the week ahead and I told a few close friends that I knew would pray for me.

My prayer life continued to go well but part of me knew what was coming. This would be something I could offer up.

I woke up with nervous anticipation on that Tuesday morning, April 19th. I went and had the same tech that I had done my first one. We talked of the terrible storm that we had had the night before. I sat in a waiting room, clutching my hospital gown around me while she went to show it to the radiologist. I sat and prayed for the strength to bear the words I knew were coming. She came back in and said that the radiologist wanted me to have an ultrasound. I sat and waited for ten minutes more until the ultrasound technician came.The radiologist came in and told me that it wasn't clear on the X-rays and that ultrasound would help them know if it was a cyst or solid.

She was a sweet young lady, young enough to be my daughter. I laid down on the table watching the screen while she searched for it and quickly it appeared. As soon as I saw it, I knew it wasn't a cyst. She told me it was small, less than a centimeter. It looked huge on that screen....

The radiologist came in, took one look, and said "It's definitely not a cyst. I don't know what it is."

I did.

It must have shown on my face. The technician grew quiet. The radiologist started explaining about having a biopsy done in a matter of fact way. I needed to see a surgeon first. My gp would call me and recommend someone. I quietly went back to the dressing room, quickly changed my clothes and walked out into the rainy day to my car, praying constantly. I sat in the car, called Mark and burst into tears. I calmed down...poor Mark...he has endured the times of my tears.

I called Beth; I called my friend Denise. I knew that she would call a few friends and start the prayers. Everyone kept telling me stories of how they had had a biopsy but it was benign. 80 percent of biopsies come back benign.....but someone has to be in those 20% that don't and I knew I would be one of them.

I had to wait another week to see the surgeon. Finally, last Thursday, April 28th, I had the biopsy. Not as painfree as I had been told to expect, but I got through it, praying constantly. I was laying on the table with the radiologist to my left, the ultrasound screen and tech to my right. There were only three places my eyes could go....up to the ceiling, on the doctor and the actual procedure or on the ultrasound screen. I alternated between the screen, the ceiling, and closing my eyes.....

I will write more later....a blessed day to all...

Jesus, I trust in You.

Camelot

2011-02-13T20:44:00.002-05:00

I spent half of the afternoon crying through "Camelot" today. Now I remember why I haven't watched that movie in years....

It's so frustrating to watch. When I was younger, I would get so angry at Guinevere, Lancelot, and Mordred but as I've grown older, I realize the fault lies not with just them, but with the sins of many...

Arthur sleeping with Mordred's mother which results in his birth. (more below)

Guinevere and Lancelot's sin of adultery.

Mordred's hatred which leads to the final catastrophe.

The sin of revenge desired by the knights.

Now I can feel more pity for Guinevere and Lance, though I find it so ironical that it is Lancelot's purity and goodness that enables his prayer to be able to raise his fellow knight from death and that this is the moment that Guinevere falls in love with him. She falls in love with his goodness and this love ultimately leads to the fall of his purity.

I cried through the scene where Arthur realizes that they are in love with each other, and his first impulse is anger and revenge but his love for both of them prevails and his desire for goodness allows him to feel pity and mercy knowing that they desire not this pain nor his pain..

I still have a difficult time feeling any pity for Mordred. The movie doesn't tell much of his past, but if my memory serves me correctly, more of that is explained in the book, "The Once and Future King" which I read my senior year in high school (35 years ago). I think the book also gives more detail as to the circumstances surrounding Arthur sleeping with Mordred's mother. If my memory serves me correctly, Mordred's mother drugged Arthur at that time.

All reminders of the wide-reaching effect of his sin.

I am always touched by Arthur's continuing to love Guinevere and Lancelot despite the heartache they bring him. It reminds me of how our dear Lord continues to love us despite our sins; despite our rejection of Him; of how we are all called to continue loving even those who hurt us the most.

I hope all of you have had a blessed, peaceful weekend.

St. Francis de Sales

2011-01-24T21:23:00.000-05:00

I have come to love St. Francis de Sales. Several years ago, I bought a book that contained the letters he exchanged with St. Jane de Chantal. I was drawn by St. Jane because she was a saint that was a mother and wife. Reading the letters drew me to buy An Introduction to the Devout Life. I was amazed because shortly after I bought it, I went to confession to my favorite confessor who told me that he thought I was ready to read Intro. One of those little God moments....

That was several years ago. Recently, I have felt drawn to read it again. It is definitely one of those books that you can go back to and get something more from every time. So last week I started looking for it among the many places we have books stored in the house. It was driving me crazy because things kept falling off the shelf onto me and making a mess yet I couldn't find the book. I told Mark that the devil really didn't want me to read it again...

So tonight I decided that I would try again. I said a prayer to St. Francis and the first place I looked (where I had already looked the other day), I found it. Less than a moment's time...I'm guessing his feast day was the perfect day!

Here's a quote from this holy bishop and Doctor of the Church....

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”

Wouldn't it have been awesome to have him for your spiritual director?

A blessed day to you all....

2010-11-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a while again since I've written but here I am! Life has been incredibly busy and I've reduced my online time since school began. I can't believe I only have 18 months of homeschooling left. It's been such a huge part of my life these last 17 years that it's almost difficult to imagine my life without it! The result is that I've really been pouring myself into it and try to make the best of these least few precious months with my boys.

Michael will graduate in May and is planning on going to culinary school. Even that will be a big change next year with just John to teach. I will probably be finding myself free from afternoon school most days at that point. We still don't know what the dear Lord has planned for our John after next year but I am leaving it in His hands and know that He will some how lead us there. I know that John won't be able to handle college but perhaps a job in his future. Mark and I have come to the realization that we will probably have John living with us for a long time.

Our darlin' daughter turned 24 yesterday and that is still so hard to believe. I know she's a bit frustrated with her life right now but I keep praying that the dear Lord will lead her heart where He wants her to go. I can only watch, pray, and be here if she needs me.

We are also in the middle of doing a bit of redecorating. Our house is now 20 years old and we haven't changed much in that time. So last week Mark painted the half bath and I bought all new accessories to update its look. The carpet in the living room and dining room is well worn from twenty years of raising a family and it's going to be replaced the Monday after Thanksgiving. We are having Thanksgiving dinner at our house for our family members who can make it...this year it will probably be only 16....but I'm so excited about having it! For some crazy reason, I love hosting Thanksgiving some years. I find it so much easier than Christmas for some reason.

The carpet guys wanted to come the day before Thanksgiving to install it but I vetoed that...too much craziness when I have so much to do that day already. Today Mark and Michael are painting Michael's bedroom which has been in disarray since Beth moved out a year ago. Then the second week in December, new carpet will be arriving for the boys' bedrooms and the upstairs hall. I am also planning on remodeling our kitchen next summer which should be a lot of fun too. = )

I pray that our dear Lord will bless your Thanksgiving Day with His joy and peace.....

Sick Days

2010-08-27T16:49:00.000-04:00

My home school year has gotten off to a bad start unfortunately. I started feeling bad on Tuesday and by the evening, I was achy all over, running a fever, had a headache, and was coughing like crazy. I have spent the rest of the week on the couch or in bed. I went to the doctor this morning and I have bronchitis. He gave me an antibiotic so hopefully, I will be feeling better in a few days.

The other thing that has made it harder to bear is that the weather has been absolutely gorgeous the last few days; the nicest days we have had in over two months. I have had the windows open which is a good thing but I do so wish that I felt well enough to be out and about in it. I just keep telling myself that the dear Lord has a better plan; there's a reason for everything...

I pray that all of you have a blessed, peaceful weekend....

Year 17

2010-08-23T09:57:00.001-04:00

Year 17 of homeschooling begins! Only two years to go....

2010-08-18T16:44:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

90 years old today....

It is such a blessing to still have him with us..

2010-08-12T11:15:00.000-04:00

Another week of summer has flown by...

I must admit I'm getting tired of the endless heat...this is one of the hottest summers we've had in a while. Right now, we are getting a new geothermal heating and cooling system installed and the A/C is off. It's not hot in here yet...I turned the thermostat down to 68 degrees this morning and it was about 70 degrees when they arrived so I'm hoping that it will stay cool for a good part of the day. If not, the fans are on standby...

I'm thinking about the beginning of the school year...Michael's last year at home and only two more for my Johnny. Where has the time gone? It's hard for me to believe my homeschooling years will soon be behind me. I was looking at a homeschooling website and I was getting sad thinking about the early years and how I almost wish I could go back and have all the options they have now and that I could do a few things over. Hindsight...

We are going on vacation next month... the last half of September...to Texas. The boys, especially Michael, have always wanted to visit Texas and it's not a place to go to in the middle of the summer; though I imagine it may be pretty hot there in September too! We're looking forward to watching the Reds play the Astros in Houston, the beach at Galveston (hopefully no hurricanes!), the Alamo and Riverwalk in San Antonio, and Lake Travis near Austin where I'm hoping we will also get to visit with Will's sister and her family. Then we're moving on to Kansas City to meet the Gordon BOPs in person! I'm looking forward to that too though I'm always afraid that when I meet an online friend in person, that they won't like me...

After Kansas City, we're moving on to visit Will in Omaha. Last summer, he was out there visiting friends and he met the younger sister of someone he went to the Josephinum with. He started talking to her and visiting when he could this past year. He got laid off from his teaching job here at the end of the school year so he decided to move to Omaha. I must admit I've had mixed feelings! I'm happy for him because I know this is where his heart is leading him but I do miss getting to see him. Angela is a sweet young lady (I've had the privilege of talking to her twice) and I'm looking forward to getting to know her a little better when we visit there. It will be nice to see the town where Will is living...and him, of course!

I guess I should get off here and do something useful.

A blessed, peaceful day to you all....may you be ever mindful of His endless love....

32 Years of Wedded Bliss

2010-08-05T14:32:00.001-04:00

Mark and I are celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary today....what a joy!!!

I can't believe how quickly the years have gone....I look back at pictures from our wedding day and we look like such babies at the age of 20! I was trying to remember things about that day and it's amazing how much of a blur it all is. It was a cool, rainy day; very unlike the weather we're having this year. I remember packing up the last of my clothes that I would need and my brothers dismantling my bed and taking it to our new apartment. I remember well my brothers helping me out to the car and I had to lift up my wedding dress and walk over boards in the front yard because my parents had work being done on the foundation of the house and everything was a mess. One brother was holding my arm and the other was carrying an umbrella over my head and we were all laughing....

I remember being slightly dismayed because the bridesmaids' bouquets were not what I had ordered and I didn't like them, but it wasn't too serious.

I remember the huge smile on Mark's face as I came up the aisle; he was a very relaxed bridegroom. His best man was the one who was a nervous wreck! I do wish I had a video of our wedding; that wasn't available in those days. I would love to be able to hear Monsignor's homily again...I can't remember a word he said.

After Mass, we went to visit Mark's grandparents who were in poor health and couldn't come. We had planned on having pictures taken in their yard and Mark's sisters had spent hours making it beautiful, but unfortunately the rain kept that from happening. But they loved seeing us...

I hardly had time to eat at the reception so by 10 o'clock, I had a headache and Mark went around trying to find if anyone had some aspirin I could take! That helped though I do remember feeling very tired by the time midnight rolled around. After the reception, we realized that the car we had had brought there for us to drive off in was almost empty of gas. (Poor planning on our part...hehe!) There were no all-night gas stations around, so we went to my grandmother's farmhouse and Mark put gas in the car from the gas tank we had there for farm equipment and I sat in the farmhouse in my wedding gown with my grandmother and great-aunt to wait...they loved getting to have me all to themselves for a few minutes!

It was definitely a happy, exciting day.

And since we have been blessed with our joys and our sorrows but I know He is with us through them all....blessing our love, blessing our faithfulness to each other, showering us with His gifts of faith, hope, and love...

God is good, indeed!

2010-08-02T14:45:00.001-04:00

I love helping at the Bible Institute but it does run a body ragged. As a result, I'm now running a fever and have a nasty cold. But on the bright side, it's a good excuse to take it easy for a few days! Hopefully, it won't last too long...

I'm enjoying catching up on my email, paying the bills, and doing the type of things that don't take much energy. I was actually able to do my normal morning prayer time today though I must admit I stayed in bed a bit longer today.

I'm also enjoying looking out the windows at our flower beds. Goldfinches are eating our coneflower seeds, hummingbirds are at our cannas, and all types of butterflies are enjoying our butterfly bushes...absolutely beautiful! I can't believe it's August already though I must admit I am looking forward to it becoming a bit cooler...the endless heat is getting old.

A blessed, peaceful Monday to all....

2010-07-30T08:15:00.001-04:00

I am always struck by the irony of the fact that when we're working at the Bible Institute every year, my prayer life suffers horribly that week. I find myself doing my morning prayer as Mark and I drive there. We do go to Mass there everyday, but by the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I don't have the energy for more than a simple prayer of "Thank you, dear Lord, for getting me through this day".
Last night we didn't stay for the evening session....I was out of clean clothes and needed to do laundry and John had been home alone most of the day. I came home and threw a load of laundry in and sat in the quiet of my room and prayed a rosary....heavenly.
Only two days to go until it is over for another year.
A blessed Friday to all....

2010-07-27T22:54:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday to our Michael!!!!

18 years old today....

2010-07-23T11:51:00.001-04:00

I'm back again....

Suffering through my normal summer blues...driving me crazy some days but I know it will get better in a few weeks...and not every day is bad.

Bible Institute begins tonight and I'm hoping that it won't be as stressful as I think it's going to be. The youth group had the opening night of their play "Tobit"(based on the book of Tobit) last night and both of my darlin' sons were in it. John had several nonspeaking roles (and did a great job!) and Michael had one of the lead roles.... Sarah's father, Raguel. He was the comic relief of the play and I received many compliments last night on his performance, which is always fun! They do it again on Monday night and then the weeks of practice and all the fun it entails will be over....

Michael turns 18 next week and it absolutely boggles my mind. In 14 months, all of my children will be legally adults...how did that happen???!!!!

"I don't remember growing older; when did they?"

But seriously...I am going to try to get back to blogging again. I think I need the outlet of it. Life has changed quite a bit these last few months...one big joyful thing; others sad and stressful. Not many people read this any more, especially people I know IRL, so it will probably be a good place for me to write. If it wasn't for me darlin' husband I would be feeling terribly lonely these days. It feels as if the dear Lord is stripping me of so many of the people who I thought were my support and showing me that I need to rely on Him alone...

Off to take a shower and finish some laundry then head up to Xavier University with my Johnny to help people move into the dorms for Bible Institute. It promises to be a hot one...they're saying 97 degrees...yikes!

A blessed, peaceful Friday to all...

Hello Again

2010-03-16T23:47:00.001-04:00

I have really lost my interest in updating. I'm not sure why but I have. I have kept reading everyone's updates on my subscription list though I must admit I haven't commented frequently.
Life has changed so much these last few months. I took Michael out of his high school co-op at Christmastime and so I'm much busier teaching him and John, but I am much happier homeschooling this way. I have my peace back. I was not enjoying the co-op experience at all this year so I'm so glad that I decided to do this and our dear Lord has blessed this decision.
Michael also started a job six weeks ago. He works at a local Catholic elementary school cleaning everyday for 3 hours in the late afternoon. It's really a perfect job for him.
Beth is busy working and decorating her new condo and she also broke off with her boyfriend of 7 years. She started talking to me about the possibility after Christmas and I have spent many hours talking to her these last few months. She is doing well with it all though she surely shocked a lot of people! The only problem is all the guys who are asking her out and she's not interested and she has to nicely tell them no.
It is so different than what I expected to be happening now...for a long time we thought we would be planning a wedding for 2011 and now there's definitely not a possibility of that! The only thing that makes me sad is that I was really looking forward to being a grandma in about two or three years...hehe....
The dear Lord made me wait a long time to become a mama and I guess now He's going to make me wait a long time to be a grandma. As Mark always told me back in our waiting days..."Good things come to those who wait."
I just sit and watch my friends who are my age and younger becoming grandmas just like I had to sit and watch everyone else becoming a mother first but God has a wonderful plan in everything!

So I'm busy but happy and content....these last six months have been some of the happiest I have ever felt. There are many ways which the dear Lord has healed me emotionally these last few months and I am eternally grateful. As long as we live, we grow and mature. God is good, indeed....always.

I hope and pray that all of you are well....
A blessed day to all...

The Pain of Infertility

2010-01-15T23:48:00.002-05:00

I've talked to a few people about infertility and adoption lately and it's reminded me of the pain we have endured with our infertility.I wish I could say that all of these issues have been resolved; but every once in a while they rear their ugly heads and make me miserable again for a while. However, each time I draw closer to healing, all with His grace.

I've noticed whenever I talk to young adults or teens that aren't married yet, they almost always assume they'll be able to have children when they marry. Anytime I bring up the other possibility they tend to look at me with disbelief. One of the few who doesn't is my own darlin' daughter; perhaps because she has lived with my infertility too....her (and our dear sons') very presence in our family is a result of that.
Whenever Mark and I talk to an engaged couple from our parish, I always bring the possibility up. Most of them have never discussed it. I know that Mark and I did discuss adoption in our pre-marriage days, but I wonder if we were the exception. I know that I always had a positive outlook towards adoption. I remember reading several books about it as a child and I was always fascinated by the topic. Perhaps our dear Lord was preparing me.
Though many don't think of it, the possibility is there. Mark and I each have five siblings. We suffered through infertility, and we each have a sibling who suffered through it too. We were the only ones to adopt; my brother and his wife and Mark's sister and her husband chose not to.They have remained childless.
None of us were people who would have been considered high risk for infertility. It was just part of God's plan.
The ironical thing in my family was that my brother and his wife and Mark and I were the only ones among my siblings who didn't use artificial contraception. The rest all did, at least in the beginning of their marriages. Some have since come to accept the Church's teaching on it. However, they were the ones who were fertile and we were the ones who weren't. It didn't seem fair....sometimes, the unfairness of it all would anger me.
I know that our dear Lord planned for our family to be the way it is, but I would think "Couldn't you have just sent me one baby after we adopted our others?" Other people would tell me stories all the time about people they knew who adopted and then got pregnant. Not me....
I remember being at a party with a bunch of Mark's friends from college many years ago when we were suffering with longing for a baby and before we were blessed with our Beth. One couple got up and said they had an announcement to make. I thought to myself "Oh no, another pregnancy announcement. Prepare your heart Barb."
However, this was even worse. They announced that they were planning on getting pregnant that month. They had decided this was the right time and they were confident it would happen.
And it did...
Drove me a bit crazy at the time.
I wanted others to be able to have babies, but I wanted to have them too.
Then there were the people who implied that we weren't praying enough; that we were lacking in faith. If we prayed hard enough or in the right way, we would have a baby. In other words, we were doing something wrong. I remember listening to a tape by a Catholic woman (who had five children) that barrenness was a curse from God. She quoted an Old Testament Scripture about it and talked about how they overcame infertility with faith. I couldn't believe it. Once again, momentarily, I felt like a failure.
I threw that tape away. It made me doubt but somehow I kept telling myself that I wasn't a failure; that this woman was wrong. It had nothing to do with Mark and me having a lack of faith. God had a plan even if I didn't like every aspect of it.
Several years ago, Mark and I were out for dinner with friends. We were talking about adoption and the husband said he could never adopt a child; he could never love someone else's child. I've heard that before but it became worse. He told us how he had wanted his wife to go to the doctor before they were married to make sure she could have a baby. She refused. I asked him what he would have done if she had gone and the doctor had said she couldn't and he honestly said that he didn't know; that he might have changed his mind about marrying her. I couldn't believe he was sitting there, saying that in front of his wife. Fortunately for their marriage, the good Lord has blessed them with many children but I couldn't believe the attitude. I felt blessed that I knew that Mark had never felt that way....he loved me, not my ability to bear children.

So our infertility has been a cross to bear and a blessing. Without it, we would not have Beth, Michael, and John. It has bonded Mark and me closer together.
It has brought pain, but it has also brought growth.
I think of the fact that a child is a gift from God. Our modern society tends to think of having a child as a right. When I was going through treatment for the infertility and the treatments that were allowed by the Church weren't helping, my doctor suggested invitro fertilization. He really felt that I was an excellent candidate; that I would get pregnant that way. But I said, "No, it's against my faith." and he laughed at me and told me that many Catholics were using it, but I knew that didn't make it right. I have comfort in that.
Children are a gift, not a right.
Hold yours tight...

A blessed Saturday to all....

The Significance of Dreams...

2010-01-10T15:08:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered about the significance of dreams. I know I dream every night, but I usually only remember bits and pieces of my dreams and rarely do I remember a dream vividly. In the last few years, however, there have been a few times that I do remember a particular dream and I wonder if they mean anything or why I remember those in particular.
Sometime in the last few years, I blogged about a dream (but I can't go back and find it easily; I guess I should start tagging my entries) where I was in what seemed to be a huge glass ball. There were many other people in it with me, but I knew no one else. We were out in space and it was all dark except for the stars. I remember being afraid...I didn't know who I was with or where we were going. We could see out all around us...
Suddenly, I could see the sun ahead of us and we were moving towards it...I knew we were on a collision course and that when we hit it, my life would end. My heart was pounding, anticipating it. I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces, and then noticed a woman walking towards me, smiling. She held out her hand to me and I kept thinking that she looked strangely familiar. She looked like me, only better and I realized that she was my guardian angel. She told me that she would stay with me through it all and that I needn't be afraid...that everything would be all right. I felt His peace come over me and all fear left me...
That was when I woke up.
Several months ago, I had a dream where I was walking down the street from our house to my parents' house. It was a cloudy, cold day and no one was out and about. I heard the noise of a large vehicle behind me, and I turned around to see. At first, it looked like a large red truck but then I realized that it was a large red train car on wheels. It came slowly down the street and stopped right by me. There was glass in the front that was for the person driving it to see, but it was all dark and I couldn't see inside. My heart was pounding as it slowly moved past me and the side door slid open and I could see all these people inside, crying and sobbing. Someone motioned to me to come near but I shook my head no. It went by and up the street and over the hill. I was very afraid by now so I ran down the street to my parents' house. I rang the doorbell but they didn't answer. I could hear the sound of the train car coming back up the hill, so I ran around the house to the basement door. It was unlocked and I flew in. I tried to relock the door, but the lock wouldn't work. I saw a shadow by the basement windows and looked over to see the train car slowly backing down my parents' driveway. I knew they were after me, but the door wouldn't lock. My heart was pounding as I could see them coming nearer, and at that moment, I thankfully woke up. All I could think of then was the pictures of the victims of the Holocaust in train cars that I had seen...
Last night, I had another strange dream. I was in an unfamiliar house. There were many people there, but I didn't know anyone. I knew we were all in some kind of war situation. The enemy was near...
I don't know exactly how it happened, but suddenly there was a man standing in front of me. I knew he was the leader of the enemy...I felt evil coming forth from him and my heart started pounding. He handed some pills to me and the man standing next to me. They were odd-looking, reminding me of candy, but I knew they weren't candy...they were poison. He told the other man and me to take them. He said they would be good for us, but I knew he was lying. I stood there holding them in my hand and the evil man moved back away and out of my sight. The man next to me decided to take them and put them in his mouth and for a moment, I was tempted to take them also, but didn't. I crushed them and threw them away. A woman standing next to me asked me what I was doing, and all I could say was that they were poison. At that moment, the man who had taken the pills started becoming sick to his stomach. He collapsed and passed out. I knew then that I had been right and that they were poison. I looked up through the crowd of people around me watching and I could see the evil man coming back; he was glaring at me and very angry; he knew I hadn't taken the pills....my heart started pounding and then thankfully, I woke up.
I laid awake a long time after this one....it took a while for the beat of my heart to return to normal.

It is strange to me that in all three dreams there was no one I knew with me. I was either alone or with a group of people unknown to me. I'm not sure of the significance of that...
Crazy, I know, but these dreams all stay with me.

A blessed, peaceful Sunday to all.....

A Blessed Christmas

2009-12-23T22:21:00.001-05:00

It is almost here...that blessed day.
I have been so happy the last two months or so...it's been awesome. I don't why or what has been different but the Lord has blessed me with joy and contentment. I think it's one reason why I haven't written much...perhaps I was afraid that if I wrote about it, it would suddenly vanish. I did get a bit sad when Beth moved out but it wasn't that heaviness of heart and depression that I've experienced so frequently in the last five years.
Strangely enough it ended this past week....my heaviness of heart has returned. It always makes me turn to our dear Lord more so perhaps He is calling me closer this week before we celebrate His birth. It hasn't been terrible at least and perhaps it is because I have learned that it will pass...that it does not go on forever....it is just a phase. I have been offering it up...perhaps someone dear to my heart needs my prayers and I don't even know it. Perhaps there is someone out there that I don't even know that needs me to offer this up. Only He knows...
Today has been the first day that I started to feel a little panic about having everything ready but it subsided rapidly. It's a shame that we don't appreciate how carefree these blessed days are when we are young and can just enjoy. I think back to the joy and carefreeness of Christmas when I was a child and keep reminding myself that I am trying to give that magic to my children.
I do miss having a little one in the house at this time of year...it's always a pleasure to see the wonder of it all in their eyes. Perhaps in a few years, we will be blessed with a grandchild to share it with...won't that be a joy!
The family is coming to my house on Christmas Day this year....right now the count is at 32. We roasted the turkeys already and have the meat and gravy in the fridge all ready to reheat on the big day. Everyone is bringing something so I'm hopeful that the day won't be too stressful, but I know I will be tired when it is over. I'm looking forward to some relaxing days this weekend and next week before I have to start up school again. I am taking Michael out of his high school co-op and am going back to planning his schooldays myself. We've gotten behind on his math and there are several things I would like to focus on to help get him ready for the SAT. I do wish he had some idea what he wants to do after high school...in 17 months he will be finished and I know it will be here in a wink of an eye...my babies are growing up so quickly!
A blessed Christmas to all of you....may you feel that magic that the day came bring but even more, may you feel the blessed peace and joy that only He can bring.

2009-11-23T23:27:00.001-05:00

I have found the most difficult part of the day when trying to adjust to the fact of one of my babies leaving the nest is bedtime.... when she doesn't come home and we turn out the lights and I come upstairs and she's not in her room...
I guess it will just take a little time to get used to....

A blessed, peaceful night to you all and to me darlin' daughter....

A Busy Month

2009-11-22T22:25:00.001-05:00

My life has been a bit hectic lately....
Also my laptop died and I didn't get much computer time for a few weeks but that was a good thing actually. I weaned myself from my addiction....hehe....
I've been doing great with the boys' schoolwork and I've gotten some Christmas shopping finished. Doctor visits have been keeping me busy between my parents, my aunt, and my boys. Last Tuesday we took Michael up to Children's for an orthopedic visit and we found out that not only does he have scoliosis, but he also has kyphosis which means he has a slight case of being hunchbacked. Since he's probably finished growing the doctor says there's a good chance that it won't get any worse now but it's still possible, so he has to be checked every six months. He also is going to start physical therapy to strengthen his back. They also found that his left leg is shorter than his right leg so he needs a shoe lift.
I'm hoping and praying that it won't get worse because the surgery for it is nasty.

My sister-in-law's mother died last week so on Thursday and Friday Mark and I and my youngest brother went to Chicago for the funeral which felt like a whirlwind two days.

My dad's ex-wife died two weeks ago and so now my parents are going to look into seeing if they can be married in the Church. This would be awesome and I'm praying that it is possible. Any prayers you could send their way would be greatly appreciated. My dad is not Catholic but my mom is, and she has been away from the sacraments for 57 years, though she has always gone to Sunday Mass and has raised all of us in the faith. That my mother could someday come back to the sacraments has been my prayer for a long time...

My darlin' daughter closed on her condo last Monday and has gradually been moving in, having her furniture delivered, her security system installed, and such. Last night we went out to dinner for her birthday after I sang my first solo cantoring at the Vigil Mass, (boy was I nervous!) and then she came home and took some of her clothes and left to spend her first night in her condo. I was trying not to cry and thought I was doing a good job, and after she went out the door, the tears came. I hadn't fooled her however, and she came back in and gave me a hug and we cried together.
Mark and I watched her drive off, and even though she is only five minutes away, we both felt the pain of the loss. I kept thinking about how we waited almost 9 years for her to come into our lives; how she had been the answer to our prayers for a baby and I couldn't believe how quickly those years have gone....
She had to work a 12 hour shift today so we haven't seen her and it's so strange to think that she won't be coming home tonight. How difficult it is to let them go.... my mother's heart is aching a bit tonight...

However, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this week....I absolutely love this holiday.... and she will be at Thanksgiving dinner with us and I know that I will get used to this stage in my life. I am so thankful that she is nearby and I know that we will still see her often.

A blessed peaceful week to all....

A New Phase of Life

2009-10-25T22:28:00.000-04:00

Beth received the closing date on her condo Friday and I realize that in just a few weeks she will be leaving home. I laid awake in bed the other night and realized that I am living the last few weeks when all of my children will be sleeping under our roof together....a thought that brings tears to my eyes but also that little joy that I have managed to raise a responsible young lady who is ready to move out into the world.
Another phase of my life is about to begin....

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Sunday.....

Life has been crazy....

2009-10-20T10:47:00.001-04:00

I finally have a few minutes at home alone in which I can write.
Mark and Beth are at work, Michael is at co-op, and John is at the grocery store with my dad.
The last nine days have been a bit crazy.....
Last Monday, it started with my aunt calling me nice and early in the morning and she was crying. She's 88 years old, widowed for almost 30 years, and lives alone. Her only child, her son, died of a pulmonary embolism when he was only 37, so she just has three granddaughters, all in their 20's. She calls me every week and I always ask if she needs anything because she's pretty well homebound now. She told me that she was low on groceries so I told her I would come in the afternoon and go shopping for her. I did my normal morning routine, the boys and I went to noon Mass, home for lunch, and then John and I went to my aunt's. She started crying again when I got there. She tells me that her oldest granddaughter is pregnant (not married). My aunt, of course, is upset about that plus the fact that her granddaughter must have told her that she won't be able to help her much any more. This granddaughter would come once a week and take her to the store or the bank, but now she probably won't be doing this. Her other granddaughters rarely come to see her at all, so of course she is worried about what is going to happen to her. So I tell her that I will help her out. This means, of course, that I will have to go over there at least once a week, if not more. It wouldn't be so bad except that I have my own parents becoming increasingly dependent on me for help. I'm the only one of my siblings that doesn't have an outside job, and all the spouses have jobs too, so everything falls on me during the week. Last week, I was there everyday for at least an hour, usually more and it is so difficult when I'm trying to homeschool the boys and keep up with everything else.

Wednesday morning Mom had a doctor appointment and had to have blood tests done at the hospital so we were up early and didn't get home until after 1 PM. In the afternoon, Mark took Michael to the doctor because he has been complaining about his back and we found out he probably has scoliosis. I felt terrible because I hadn't noticed. It seems that his left shoulder is lower than his right shoulder which is a symptom and I've just been grumbling at him to stand up straight because I thought it was just bad posture. The doctor they recommended he see doesn't have an open appointment until February so now I need to see if I can find a different doctor who can see him sooner. I cried a few tears over that situation, feeling that I should have figured that out a long time ago and wondering if it will be too late to help it.
Thursday was a nice, normal crazy school day. I was behind because of my busy days on Monday and Wednesday, so I rushed around all day. Mark and I actually went to the grocery store at 10:30 PM and 11:45 found us putting the last of the groceries away.
Friday morning I was all ready to do my exercise routine when the phone rang and it's my mother. My dad had been up with a stomach bug all night and was now appearing to be dehydrated. We're told to take him to the hospital so off we went. I had rushed out of the house with no breakfast and without taking my shower so it made for a long morning of sitting in the emergency room. My mom also had left without breakfast and taking her morning medications so she was worried about that and Dad. We were also surrounded by people who were there because they had the flu and H1N1 is in full force around here.
I offered to go home and get Mom's medicine but she didn't want me to leave because she was afraid they would tell her something and she wouldn't remember. (She has been struggling with dementia for about two years now). So I started calling my brothers to see if anyone can leave work for an hour to get Mom's medicine and give us a chance to get something to eat. I finally got in touch with my brother Steve who was able to get the meds and stay with Dad for 20 minutes while Mom and I got lunch in the hospital's cafeteria. Thank the dear Lord for cell phones! I don't know what I would have done without it. Around 5 o'clock, my brother Chuck and my sister came to relieve me after they got home from work. By this time, they had decided to admit my dad and had moved him to a room. Mom and I were exhausted by this point. Eight hours in the emergency room is no fun. I took her home and then went home to get dinner for us. After dinner, we took John to my mom's so that he could spend the night with her, bless his sweet heart!
On Saturday, Beth and I took Mom up to the hospital in the morning and they decided to keep Dad another day. Thankfully, my siblings took over for the rest of the weekend. I am so thankful to have siblings; I can't imagine being an only child in these situations. Saturday evening Beth and Michael went out with friends and John went to stay with my mom again, so Mark and I had an opportunity to go out for dinner alone and we took advantage of it...very nice indeed.
Despite the fact that my week was so hectic, I still was able to find His peace in it all. None of my days went as I had planned but each time I just kept remembering that it is all in His hands. On Wednesday and Friday I wasn't able to get to daily Mass as I usually do but on both days, I found myself looking at the clock at noon when I would normally be at Mass, and His peace just flooded over me. I felt His comfort that I was where I was supposed to be....
God is good indeed, always.
A blessed Tuesday to all....

Thank You St. Bernard....

2009-10-03T09:52:00.001-04:00

I was reading an article about miscarriage on another blog which included the words that St. Bernard of Clairvaux said to someone who was suffering after miscarriage, wondering about the eternal salvation of her child. Here are his words:
St. Bernard said, “Your faith spoke for this child. Baptism for this child was only delayed by time. Your faith suffices. The waters of your womb — were they not the waters of life for this child? Look at your tears. Are they not like the waters of baptism? Do not fear this. God’s ability to love is greater than our fears. Surrender everything to God.”

Several years ago I had written on my blog about hoping that my only biological child who died before birth, was in heaven. A young man who sometimes read my blog, wrote to tell me that my baby was definitely in hell because he hadn't been baptized. Others wrote to give me hope, but he kept writing back insisting otherwise and his words were so wounding. This young man is now in seminary and I surely hope that while there, he learns something about pastoral care and is not so harsh with some poor mother in the future who has suffered the loss of her baby before birth.
Thank you St. Bernard....

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all.....

The Gift of Being a Nurse

2009-09-29T23:13:00.000-04:00

Me darlin' daughter saved her patient's life today...a tiny 4 month old baby. The wonder of it was all over her face when she came home tonight.
What a wondrous gift from God....

Going on Retreat

2009-09-25T12:21:00.001-04:00

Life is stressful lately.
Mark and I are going on a mini retreat this weekend, leaving late this afternoon. I was really looking forward to it but now there has been some drama going on with some of the people going and I'm wondering how restful it will be. Doesn't it just figure? Poor Mark is stuck in the middle of it all....long story involved. (Mark is not the one causing the drama...not his style at all). Because he is one of the directors in the ministry we're involved in, he has to be a mediator at times....a job I don't envy.
The devil is definitely attacking. He seems to be doing a lot of that recently.
The retreat lasts until Sunday but Mark and I are only staying until Saturday evening because tomorrow is my darlin' Johnny's 16th birthday and we want to be able to take him out for his birthday dinner.
I'm looking forward to some good Adoration time....

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all....

Liz's Wedding

2009-09-21T06:46:00.002-04:00

We went to another beautiful wedding on Saturday.
One of Beth's friends got married and Beth was a bridesmaid. They had a beautiful wedding and a very casual reception.
Mark's sister, Kathy, had offered to do the flowers for the wedding because she found out that the couple had very limited funds for their wedding and she has worked for a florist. Beth's friend bought the flowers at Kroger and Kathy made the bouquets, corsages, and such. Poor Kathy got up Friday morning with a migraine and felt terrible. Mark's older sister, Terri, came over after she finished teaching school, and helped her for a while. All together, they spent about 5 hours working on the flowers and they were beautiful....
Beth and her friends picked them up and took them to the bride's house.
Saturday morning, Liz (the bride) called Beth and said that her refrigerator had been too cold and almost all of the flowers were ruined! We were all sick about it, but didn't want to bother Kathy again since she had already put so much time into them, especially when she hadn't felt well. So three hours before the wedding was about to begin, two of the other bridesmaids went out and bought more flowers and then we took the old ones apart to see how they were done, and to reuse the greens and beads that were still good.
Beth and I spent a half hour constructing a new bouquet for the bride....something that neither one of us had ever dreamed we would ever do! It wasn't quite as pretty as the original, but we were amazed that it looked as well as it did and Liz was quite happy with it.
Beth did the bride's hair and makeup and she was beautiful....of course, me darlin' daughter looked beautiful too!
I, of course, got all teary-eyed as I watched the bride come down the aisle and thought that in the not-too-distant future, I will probably be watching my own beautiful daughter walking down the aisle on the arm of her father....

Life goes by so quickly...
A blessed, peaceful Monday to all.....

Dear Mother of Sorrows, Please Pray for Us

2009-09-15T10:09:00.001-04:00

2009-09-09T21:58:00.001-04:00

I went to confession last week and the priest told me that he felt I had made a very good confession which was wonderful, of course, and now I feel as if the old devil didn't like it one bit and he's attacking big time. Some times I get so weary of the battle. I know I have to keep going but when I struggle with not feeling very energetic, the battle seems even harder.
Mother Mary, please pray for me, your child....

Happy Birthday Dear Blessed Mother!

2009-09-08T09:52:00.001-04:00

This day has not started out well at all.
It's Michael's first day of co-op for the year and every stupid little thing that could go wrong this morning did.
Now all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day but of course, that can't happen.
I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me because all I want to do lately is NOTHING! I have no energy, no ambition, no drive.

Today I am also thinking of our Jack (our nephew who died from brain cancer three years ago)....he would have been 12 years old today on this the birthday of our dear Blessed Mother. We spent Labor Day with Mark's family and the pain is still there so strongly in Jay's voice and eyes. Difficult to see indeed. Losing a child is one of life's hardest heartaches I believe.

A blessed Tuesday to all....

2009-08-31T10:08:00.000-04:00

Someone dear to me has been heavy on my heart for the last 12 hours or so. That happens to me sometimes with this person and I don't why, but when it does I always pray extra for them. I kept waking up through the night and thinking about them and saying little prayers until I drifted off to sleep again. I was also praying for the sister of one of
Beth's friends. She is an ICU nurse at another hospital here and is very sick with a bad case of pneumonia. Yesterday they took her to the hospital because even after taking tylenol, her temperature was still 104. Pretty scary.
She's 24 years old and I can't help thinking about the fact that their whole family was in Mexico a few weeks ago for a wedding and wondering if it's more than pneumonia.
A brother and sister (ages 19 and 26) who lived about 20 miles away from us both died of the swine flu last month. They were their parents' only children and it just grieved my heart to see the pictures of their parents and see the pain in the mother's eyes. The thought of losing all of my children is such a horrendous one...

So I will keep praying this day and hope that the heaviness eases but if not, then I will just keep offering that too.

It's a beautiful morning here...it feels like fall....and I am enjoying the sunshine. Even with this heaviness of heart I feel His quiet joy.

A blessed, peaceful Monday to all of you.....

2009-08-29T23:46:00.000-04:00

I'm tired tonight but a good kind of tired....the kind that comes when you feel like you really helped someone and made a difference in their life for a day.
Mark, the boys, and I spent the day helping Will's dad move from his house to an apartment. Only Will's youngest brother is still at home, so the house was getting to be too much and an apartment just fits their lifestyle better. Will was actually moving from an apartment to a rented house today also and couldn't help his dad so we volunteered. There were just his dad, his brother, another young man we know and us. The guys carried everything out and packed up the moving van and I packed up the kitchen, which hadn't been finished yet. We drove to the new place and started unloading. Fortunately, a few more friends arrived to help unload...especially since the guys were already tired and everything had to be carried up a flight of stairs. Two of the friends were a couple that Will's dad knows and the wife and I spent the next couple hours setting up the new kitchen. It was made easier by the fact that I had just packed everything up and knew what he had and where it was. We hit it off right away...she and her husband have five children, three of whom are adopted, and we talked about some of our experiences and had fun deciding where to put things. We changed our minds a few times and moved things around and knew perfectly well that Will's dad wouldn't care where we put things...he's so easily pleased!
We also spent time deciding how to arrange the furniture which can be a challenge when you're going from a 5 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment! But we did it and his dad was just so grateful to have so much in order so quickly.
Of course, they still have lots of boxes to unpack but the basics were all in place so the rest can be finished gradually.
All in all, it was a good day....
Tomorrow, we get the pleasure of celebrating my brother's 50th birthday with family and I know I will enjoy that.

I hope that all of you have a blessed, joyful Sunday filled with His peace.....

2009-08-21T15:38:00.001-04:00

Life has been crazy and I'm still struggling to blog. I've spent the last week getting things together for school and writing my notification letter to the school district and all that lovely stuff. Throw in a baby shower for my niece, a graduation party for my nephew, hosting a bridal shower for Beth's friend, church home, hosting a birthday party for my Dad's 89th birthday, and all my usual things and all I want to do is sit and do something a bit mindless when I get the chance.
Tomorrow we are having a workday at my parents' house. My dad has really slowed down this summer and it's making us all feel a bit sad to watch. He has been wanting one of my boys to go to the grocery store with him these last few weeks and he rarely comes to the farm to work in the garden any more. That's our clue that it is really getting bad because gardening has always been his favorite pasttime.

The Lord has been doing some pruning in my life these last few months.....He's doing things that make me lean more on Him. He always knows what's best...

A blessed peaceful weekend to you all.....

Changes coming

2009-08-07T23:29:00.001-04:00

I feel life changes coming....
This week Mark and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. Today is the anniversary of when I lost our baby 28 years ago...I cried a few tears thinking about our Anthony today. When we were on vacation, we went to see the movie "Up" and I cried at the beginning when he and his wife are getting ready for a new baby and then you see them in the doctor's office and she is sitting in the chair with her face in her hands crying and instantly, I was back in that doctor's office 28 years ago, reliving those painful moments of grief and sorrow. Tears ran down my face...I couldn't believe how quickly those feelings came back. I could feel her anguish and remember my own.

But today is also the 22nd anniversary of the our final adoption hearing for Beth and the 17th anniversary of when we brought our Michael home. God is good, indeed, to have given me reasons to rejoice on this day.

However, changes are coming. Every night when we sit down to dinner, I think about the fact that in a few short months, I will no longer have all of my children living at home with me. Where did those years go? Last night at dinner, we were talking about all the books I read to the kids over the years. Every night before I put them to bed, I would read a book to the boys and then I would read to Beth. I remembered books they had forgotten and they remembered books I had forgotten. It was funny to listen to all of their reactions now to those stories. I'm so glad that I did that...what wonderful memories.

On Wednesday, Michael passed his driver's test and on Wednesday evening, for the first time, I watched him drive off alone to a friend's house. More changes...

My babies are growing up and I am about to begin a new stage of my life.

A blessed peaceful weekend to you all....

Happy Birthday Michael!!!!

2009-07-27T23:41:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday to me darlin' Michael!!!!!
He's 17 and I can't believe it....
He's away on a fishing trip to Arkansas with my brother Steve, and two of my nephews. They're having a memorial fishing tournament down there this week for my oldest brother David, who died 19 months ago. Mark and I couldn't go because we're working at Presentation's Bible Institute here this week, but Michael was excited to get to go.
I'm missing him, especially today.
A very busy week going on here.

A blessed peaceful night to all....

2009-07-24T00:01:00.001-04:00

I have not blogged in a month...the longest break ever in the four and a half years I've been writing. Now there's so much to write but I can't do it all at once.
I started with bronchitis on July 1 and I haven't felt that well since. Slowly, day by day, things get better but it's slow. I'm not contagious but it just has worn me down. I get tired easily.
My daughter passed her nursing boards and starts her new job at Children's Hospital in the ICU on August 19th. Very exciting!
She signed the papers to buy a brand-new beautiful condo about two miles from our house yesterday. I sat there watching her signing paper after paper and I knew the next stage of my life is soon to begin. She won't be moving out until November or so, but I realize it will be here before I know it. I am happy for her and a little sad for me. I had hoped that she would stay at home until she got married but that is probably at least another 15 months or more away and she is so anxious to start her adult life. It is a very nice condo...1700 square feet with two bedrooms, two full baths, a study, living room, dining room, kitchen, and laundry room. ...bigger than our first house!
I'm bound to cry on moving day when I look at her empty room.
Michael and John are thrilled because now they will each have their own room.
I am struggling through a dry time in my spiritual life when prayer is sometimes difficult and I feel so discouraged about so many situations in my life.
But He is there.
With His quiet presence.

A blessed peaceful night to all....

God is Good, Always...

2009-06-23T16:41:00.001-04:00

Thank you for all of your prayers....I appreciate them so much.

I went for my diagnostic mammogram yesterday and I must admit I was a bit nervous but basically calm.
Sunday night as I said my evening prayers and rosary, I was thinking a bit about what it would be like if the news was bad and I found myself thinking about all of the people and situations I could offer up my suffering for if that was part of our dear Lord's plan for my life.
It really was helpful to think of all those dear people.

I had to wait a bit but when they took me back, the young lady who was doing my procedure showed me the spot they were concerned about on my first mammogram last week. I could see it. She showed me where it would be on myself and I definitely couldn't feel it. She did two more different images and then took me to a room to wait. Several minutes later she came back and said that the doctor wanted another image. That made me feel a bit more nervous. So we went back and did another.
She took me back to that waiting room and left me there for what seemed like forever, but was actually only 5 minutes or so. During this time I prepared myself to hear that I needed a biopsy. I kept praying for strength.When she came back, she didn't look me in the face but told me the doctor wanted to talk to me.
However, when I went back he showed me all of the views and explained everything and then told me that he was 99.9% sure that it wasn't cancer. Huge sigh of relief from me...
He does want me to go back in 6 months and have another one done just to be on the very cautious side. This had been my first mammogram so he has nothing to compare it to and this way he will be sure. He also showed me where to check for it but he said it's too small for me to probably feel right now.

I had an interesting week for sure. It made me look at my own mortality. I guess I think of myself as having 20 or 30 years left and it made me think about the possibility that I could only have a few, though in reality none of us knows the hour or moment....
I am grateful for this temporary reprieve.
God is good, always.

A blessed day to all ......

Waiting

2009-06-20T07:43:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to offer up the waiting....
We've been really busy which helps. Last night we went to the Reds' game. It was stinkin' hot but we still had a good time. They won plus they had a great fireworks show afterwards.
Today and tomorrow we are on the go nearly nonstop...which can be good and bad. Today we have a leadership training seminar to go to all day (which I have to provide the lunch for everyone) and this evening we have a graduation party. Tomorrow we have a baptism to attend with a party afterwards and a Father's Day party in the evening at my brother's for my dad. At least I won't have a lot of time to think about it.
Thank you again for the prayers....I know they're helping to keep me calm.

A blessed weekend to all.....

Vacation Memories

2009-06-17T09:40:00.001-04:00

I really seem to have lost my heart for blogging these last few months. I want to get back to it because I so much enjoy being able to go back and read my life these last four years, but I struggle with forcing myself to write.
Our vacation was very nice, though too short as usual, and we arrived home safe and sound late Saturday night. I wish I would have blogged some of our days when we were there but I didn't, and so I'm going to write down things I want to remember about those days....
My sweetest memory will be sitting on the balcony with Mark saying our rosary every night. Listening to the ocean, watching the moon shine its awesome gleam on the ocean some nights, and watching lightning over the ocean other nights. One night, the moon came up blood red in color...very eerie....and right as we were finishing our rosary, the clouds started rolling in and then we were happy to run in the condo as a storm broke loose.
Our condo was on the 14th floor (actually the 13th floor) and I'm afraid of heights. They didn't have a lower floor available so I asked the dear Lord to take away my fear for the week and thankfully, He did. I wasn't afraid. I could stand on the balcony and look over the railing and I wasn't afraid. Absolutely amazing. In the past I wouldn't have even been able to go out on the balcony.
Other memories....
Mark, John, and I working on the puzzle we brought in the evenings...
All of us going to see UP and wearing our 3D glasses.
All of us going to see Star Trek and trying to figure it out afterwards.
Dancing on our chairs at Senor Frog on our last night....okay, Mark, Beth, and I danced on our chairs and the guys just sat there looking at us.
Going outlet shopping with Beth while the guys went trapshooting....I was so tired by the end of that afternoon!
Reading Les Miserables....I'm still trying to finish it up.
Walking on the beach in the morning with my darlin' husband.
Watching the fireworks at Barefoot Landing and Broadway on the Beach.
Laughing at Beth and Steve's antics and telling Steve that he better not complain after they're married because he KNOWS what he's getting himself into.
Laughing at Michael doing his "Magic Quest" jokes all week and wearing his nerdy 3D glasses.
Enjoying the fact that this year it wasn't bikers' week at the beach.
Going to Mass on Thursday with Mark and out to lunch together....alone...

Just spending time relaxing with all of them.....I know these days of family vacations are coming close to ending.
Beth is talking about moving out next year, and oh, my mother's heart will break a bit more that day. I keep hoping that she'll wait until they get married, but Steve needs a better-paying job and we're all praying for that. The economy is definitely not helping that situation. Beth's best friend from college became engaged over the weekend and I know that they're hoping it can happen soon for them too.

Other news....
On Monday I went for a mammogram. Yesterday I received a call that they want me to go back for more on my right. The nurse told me not to be scared, but there's the little nagging at my heart. I thought I was handling it well but then yesterday it hit me once how hard it would be to have something wrong, and I cried. Of course, they can't do the additional test until next Monday, so I have to wait when all I want is for it to be over with. I'm reminding myself of the people I know who've had to go back and it was nothing; and I'm also reminding myself of all the women I know who have been treated for breast cancer and are still with us, living their lives. They made it through though it wasn't a fun process.
I'm praying and putting my life in His hands and I'm praying for the strength to keep being able to put it in His hands, if you know what I mean. I know He knows what's best....I just would really like to be around at least long enough to finish homeschooling and raising me darlin' children...

It's been rainy and cloudy and gloomy ever since we arrived home and that doesn't help the mood....I sure could use some sunshine. They keep saying later today....I hope so!

A blessed peaceful Wednesday to all....

Heading for the Beach

2009-06-07T01:05:00.001-04:00

We're leaving for the beaches of South Carolina in the morning.....ahhhh.....vacation.....
I'm taking my laptop so hopefully I will have a chance to do some blogging while I'm there.
A blessed, peaceful Sunday to all.....

Listening...

2009-05-25T21:09:00.001-04:00

Last week, I was eating lunch with the kids and we were discussing the fact that I only have three more years of homeschooling left. Beth asked me what I planned on doing when I was finished and I said I didn't know; I would leave it in God's hands when the time came. She suggested I get a job. I told her that I doubted that I would do that; I would most likely do some type of volunteer work depending on my situation at the time. She then suggested that she thought I would make a good counselor. She said I'm always such a good listener and have good advice. What a compliment from my darlin' daughter!! She said that people are always telling me things....

On this past Friday night, Mark and I went to the Annual Archbishop's Dinner. When Will went into our major seminary here several years ago, we thought it would be nice to make a sizable donation every year. It helped me feel as if we were contributing to his education. The amount was large enough that we became members of the Bishop Fenwick Society and this dinner is for its members. We've kept up our yearly donation even though Will isn't in seminary any more... we like the thought of helping educate the young men of our archdiocese who are studying for the priesthood.
So we went to this dinner for the first time this year even though we really don't know anyone there very well. We were seated at a table with three other couples all around our age or a few years younger. The woman next to me was very friendly and we started talking immediately. Over the course of the next two hours she told me various stories about her life that were very personal and I was amazed that she felt so comfortable doing it. I found myself thinking about what Beth had said and wondered if maybe that would be a possibility some day. I was also reminded of a conversation I had with a dear friend who always says I'm easy to talk to. This person has confided in me about things that they said they have never told anyone else.
So this has me thinking a bit and perhaps we'll see what happens when those days of homeschooling are over. I'm open to wherever He leads me....

My heart has been so heavy still and I must admit that this morning I was feeling a bit cranky. But things have improved as the day has gone on. We're having a very large graduation party for Beth next Sunday and I have all of the work involved with that on my mind and I must admit I will be relieved when the preparations are over.
I know part of my depression is grieving about a relationship that is dear to my heart where I feel the person is upset with me, though they won't admit it, because of something I told them several months ago that I felt the dear Lord putting on my heart to tell them and they really didn't like hearing it. I'm missing how close we were this past year up to that time, and my heart is grieving. I keep trying to offer up the pain for this person because I do love them with a mother's heart, but I sometimes wish that God would just take away the love so that the pain would go away too. But a mother's heart isn't like that, I know...

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Memorial Day.....may you be ever mindful of His endless love....

A First Mass

2009-05-25T00:13:00.001-04:00

I cried at Mass again today, but this time for a good reason. A young man from our parish was ordained to the priesthood Saturday and he said his first Mass today. It was beautiful....
I cried when he walked up to the altar at the beginning in his beautiful new vestments and kissed the altar.
I cried when he pronounced the words of Consecration for the first time and thought about how wonderful that must feel.
After Communion, he took a few moments to speak to us and then he pulled out a cloth. He told us that the after his ordination Mass, he took this cloth and wiped the chrism from his hands that the archbishop had anointed him with. He then proceeded to give this cloth to his mother, saying how instrumental she had been in raising him in the faith, and how supportive she had been of his vocation to the priesthood. Then he pulled out a stole and said that he was going to wear it the first time he heard Confessions and that afterwards, he was going to give it to his father because he had taught him about mercy and forgiveness, and he had always given him good counsel. That had lots of people tearing up...including me again, of course. What a blessing it would be to have a son as a priest.

I remembered him as a young awkward man and today he seemed poised and confident. It has been a joy to watch him grow into the priesthood. He has been in my prayers these last few years of seminary and he will remain in my prayers as a priest.

The rest of the day has been busy with church home which was very pleasant. Everyone stayed for dinner and we had too much good food....makes it hard to lose weight on these occasions.

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Sunday.....

Busy Saturday

2009-05-23T14:11:00.001-04:00

It's so nice having Mark home for three days. It really does help me to have him home. My heart is still heavy, but just by being here, he helps me to be able to get moving and keep moving somehow. Today we had to do a mailing for Presentation Ministries and we're getting ready for churchhome at our house tomorrow, including a dinner. So Beth and I are going grocery shopping, the boys are doing some cleaning, and Mark is working outside. We're hoping to go out for dinner tonight with friends which would be nice....we haven't done that in ages.
Hopefully, I can write more later or tomorrow.

A blessed Saturday to all....may your day be filled with His loving presence....

Battling the Blues

2009-05-22T08:20:00.001-04:00

As I wrote yesterday, I am battling the blues again.
It seems to come up on me every year at this time and usually lasts for several months. I haven't figured out why. It makes no sense. I love the springtime and am tired of winter, so you would think I should be happy. School is winding down to our summer pace and yet this heaviness of heart weighs me down at every turn. I am usually at my best in the evening when Mark is home, but the mornings and afternoons are awful. I have to force myself to do everything.
I haven't been writing because I've been in this funk, but then I thought that perhaps writing about it would help me and hardly anyone reads this any more, so I won't be dragging too many others with me.
I do miss those old Xanga days....
Everyone is on Facebook, but it's just not the same.
It's amazing how every time I feel like this, I cry at every little thing. Drives me crazy...
On Monday, I thought that Will would be coming on Tuesday to teach Michael bass and John, piano, so I went out and spent part of the afternoon shopping for his birthday present. I was really happy about being able to give it to him so close to his birthday because I rarely get to see him on his actual birthday or anywhere close to it. Tuesday afternoon I dug out the boxes and the wrapping paper and had them all ready. Then he called to tell me he couldn't come. It took everything in me not to cry while I was talking to him. Silly, I know. I still haven't seen him and the presents are waiting on our dining room buffet where I don't have to look at them much....
Three weeks ago, one of the men from our parish died suddenly from a heart attack (he was out playing golf). I have known him and his family since I was a little girl (we belong to the parish I grew up in) and the boys and I went to his funeral. It was packed and I never had a chance to talk to his wife because there were so many people there. She's a real sweetheart....
Anyway, last Sunday at Mass, she was in the pew ahead of ours and when she turned around for the sign of peace, I saw her face and the grief in her eyes just overwhelmed me. I stood there silently crying in church. The memory of it is bringing tears to my eyes now....I know that this was a legitimate reason to cry, but I really wish I could have not stood there with tears running down my face at Mass.
I hate when I can't stop the tears...

I am thankful that I do have moments when I feel happy. Last night was the homeschool graduation and even though we don't have anyone graduating, we usually go. We know most of the people there and it's always a good chance to talk and socialize afterwards also. The Mass was beautiful.....they had a choir from one of the local parishes sing and they were wonderful. The closing song was the Hallelujah Chorus and it was awesome...
Our friend Paul gave the commencement speech and did an excellent job and everyone was telling him that he should have given the address at Notre Dame instead of Obama...hehe...
So for a few hours, my heart was lifted and I was happy and I am grateful for those reprieves.
I know that this too shall pass and so I'm finding myself trying to offer it up at every turn and pray that it will do some good, somewhere.
I know I need to get back to my spiritual reading. I have been caught up in reading too much depressing news about our world and other things and I haven't spent enough time reading things to nurture my soul. So I need to get back to that. I know it does me good.

Thanks for reading....a blessed Friday to all....

Living in my Car

2009-05-21T09:19:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, it felt as if I spent most of my day in the car.
I was up early and did a few things around here. The boys and I headed to noon Mass and afterwards Michael went to a friend's house for some schoolwork and John and I met Beth for lunch at Chipotles. After that, I went to my aunt's to pay her bills. When I arrived there, I discovered that she was almost out of food in her house. I always have to probe for this because she doesn't want to "bother" me. All she had left was a box of cereal and a little milk. Drives me crazy when she does this....
So she wrote up a list for me and I went to the grocery store for her. I stayed and chatted with her for a while because I know how lonely she is.
Next it was off to the post office to mail her checks. Then I had to pick up Michael from his friend's house and drop off some of his other friends at their homes. We went back for about 25 minutes and then I took Michael to get something to eat and drove him to driver's ed. Yes, my Michael is now driving. I went back home for about 15 minutes and then I went to get my hair cut. I was home about 20 minutes and then Mark and I took John to the youth group's music practice. Mark and I went out for a nice dinner (our first out together in ages). We were just paying our bill when John called to be picked up. We went back to pick him up and then we drove over to Michael's driver's ed class and picked him up. We arrived home in time for Mark and I to take a walk just before it grew dark...it had been a beautiful day here (and is again today). Afterwards, we came home and watched the rest of the Reds game and then off to bed.
I was so busy that the only time I had to call Will for his birthday (he turned 27 yesterday) was when I was in the car between dropping off Michael at driver's ed and going to my hair appointment.
Today promises to be just as crazy....
And through this all I am battling my early summer blues that I have been getting every year for the last 3 or 4 years and I don't know why...

A blessed day to all of you.....

Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee...

2009-05-19T08:45:00.000-04:00

We had our 40 Hours retreat last weekend and the theme was Pope Benedict's encyclical "On Christian Hope". It is much easier to read than I expected and even though I haven't read through the whole thing yet, there were several things in it that caught my attention.
Lately, I have been thinking about death a lot. I look at my very elderly parents and I know my mother is tired of living....she's tired of feeling bad all the time. She rarely complains, but I can see it in her eyes. Yesterday, we talked about it and I was saying to her that death doesn't hold the fear to me it used to have. If I found out today I was dying the only thing I would really feel bad about would be the impact it would have on Mark, my children, and my parents. I have hope that I will be going to a better life with a delay in purgatory. (I always tease my kids that they need to pray me out of purgatory when I die since they're one of the main reasons I'll have to spend a lot of time there...hehe....)
Pope Benedict quotes St. Ambrose in his encyclical:
"Death was not a part of nature; it became part of nature. God did not decree death from the beginning; he prescribed it as a remedy. Human life, because of sin.....began to experience the burden of wretchedness in unremitting labor and unbearable sorrow. There had to be a limit to its evils; death had to restore what life had forfeited. Without the assistance of grace, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing."
Our Holy Father writes:
"Perhaps many people reject the faith today simply because they do not find the prospect of eternal life attractive. What they desire is not eternal life at all, but this present life, for which faith in eternal life seems something of an impediment. To continue living forever-endlessly- appears more like a curse than a gift. Death, admittedly, one would wish to postpone for as long as possible. But to live always, without end- this, all things considered, can only be monotonous and ultimately unbearable."

The older I get, the more easily I can understand those feelings that to live forever on earth would be a curse. We can never reach here what our hearts ultimately long for. Lately, when I'm praying sometimes, I feel this great urge to be hugged by our Lord. I know it may sound crazy, but I feel this longing well up in me, and nothing can soothe it. I simply have to wait for it to go away...

Recently, I was at a graduation party for one of Beth's friends and a lot of the young adults I know were there. They were talking and singing and joking around, drinking a few beers, and planning on staying up late...something that a lot of them seem to do lately. Sometimes all night....and I was watching them wondering why they felt that need to stay up all night and it hit me that they were searching for something....some fulfillment in each other's company. Their hearts are searching and they think that, for now, this is the answer to their loneliness. I know that they have to feel unfulfilled by it, yet some of them keep trying to fill up that emptiness with the partying.
Beth hasn't ever really gotten into the all-night parties, though she does occasionally stay out until 2 AM or so, but she said to me recently how empty it is all getting; how she's tired of the partying; she's ready to grow up and move on with her life. But some of these young adults are in their late 20's, and they still don't seem to realize that their lives are meant to be more than the "good time".

I'm rambling on here and I need to get the boys going; dentist appointments this morning (yuck!).
Please forgive me for my boring musings....

A blessed day to all.....

Graduation Day!!!

2009-05-09T11:00:00.001-04:00

Today is Beth's graduation day!!! These last four years have flown past so quickly....my baby is all grown up.

It's going to be a bit crazy today. I have a bridal shower at noon, Beth's graduation at 3, and a graduation party tonight for Beth's best friend, Alicia, who is graduating with her today. A happy, but busy day!

Tomorrow is a Mother's Day party at my brother's house.

I hope all of you have a blessed, peaceful weekend....

2009-05-07T07:40:00.002-04:00

Something I forgot to add to last night's post....
That friend of Beth's birthmother who contacted me last year after googling my name and getting my email address off a Caring Bridge site I had left a message on, is bugging me again. Obviously she didn't get the message last year that the decision to have a relationship with her birthmother is Beth's choice and that trying to guilt-trip us is counterproductive.
She sent me an email on Sunday morning and wanted to come visit us either Sunday afternoon or this coming weekend. (She lives a 2 hour drive away from us.) She wants to talk to Mark and me. Last year, she kept trying to tell me how healing it would be for Beth's birthmother and all of her family and friends if Beth would just reach out to her. She also tried to impress me with her own personal credentials. This woman is a lawyer and she sent me a link to her business website; she also sent me a link to some website that showed she had won some honors; and then she also sent me pictures of herself, her husband, and her two sons on their Caribbean Christmas vacation. She doesn't realize that made no great impression on me or Beth. I tried to explain to her in a charitable way then, our feelings and Beth's feelings, but she doesn't seem to get it.
It actually all has the exact opposite effect. It makes Beth even more nervous about the thought of a relationship with any of these people. Who wants to feel that they're in charge of a whole group of strangers' healing? She's afraid that it would be an awkward, demanding, complicated relationship and she really doesn't want that now.
I do write to Beth's birthmother; I do send pictures. She knows where Beth has gone to college; where we live; I sent her a link to the college soccer website so that she could keep up with Beth's team and personal accomplishments. She can see that she's happy and well. Maybe someday Beth will want a relationship with her, but I think it has to be Beth's choice and I'm not going to try to push her into it, and I really don't appreciate this woman trying to push me to do so.
So I guess I'm going to have to be more forceful in my reply this time. I've waited several days to reply to give myself time to calm down, but I realize that some people just don't seem to want to take no for an answer. She thinks that her feelings are more important than Beth's. She wrote that she will respect my decision but obviously she doesn't because she told me the same thing the last time she wrote, and here she is writing again.
So please say a prayer for me that I do this well.....

A blessed day to you all....

Yes, I am Alive

2009-05-06T22:11:00.002-04:00

have been so bad about updating lately. It gets worse the longer it goes because there's so much to write about that I don't know where to begin.
So I'll just go back to late last week. Will's sister, Liz, was married Friday night and many of us helped in food preparation for the reception. I went shopping Thursday for about a million grapes and strawberries, well maybe not a million, but it sure seemed like it when I was washing all of them Friday morning...
Thursday evening I went to a fellow homeschooler's home to make sandwiches. We had a lot of fun talking and working.
Friday morning dawned gray and rainy.... We went to the reception hall with the food we had at our house and helped with getting things ready there. Lots of excitement in the air! The boys and I went out for lunch and after we arrived home, it dawned on me that the boys had not worn their suits in several months and I should check to see how they fit. So four hours before we were scheduled to leave the house for the wedding, I discover that both boys were in desperate need of a new suit. Their sleeves were too short and John's pants were too short and tight. I would have laughed to see it if I hadn't been in a panic. I called Beth and she met me at Kohl's and we spent a lively 45 minutes finding new suits, shirts, and ties. We rushed home so that I could wash and iron the shirts, then Beth and I spent time getting ready.
The rain stopped but it was still gloomy, however it was a beautiful wedding. The bride was radiant and the groom was beaming....
We had a great time because so many of our friends were there. I also was able to meet some of Will's aunts who live in different parts of the country and his grandmother who lives in NJ near Philadelphia. What a lovely, wise woman! After the reception, we cleaned up and during this time, I had the opportunity to spend at least 15 minutes in discussion with her which I enjoyed immensely. We, however, did not get to bed until almost 3 AM.
Saturday morning we had bookpacking at the ministry center and Saturday evening was the homeschool prom. Beth and Steve were the DJs and Mark and I were chaperones. The boys were all handsome in their suits again and they had a wonderful time. Afterwards we had to clean up again and we didn't get to bed until after 2.
I was exhausted.
Sunday morning, Mark woke up with a migraine which made him sick to his stomach, so I took the boys to church alone.
Sunday afternoon found us at churchhome while poor Mark stayed home. We were all ready to get to bed early after that weekend!
Monday started early and I dragged around all day. It also brought sad news....the death of a fellow homeschooling mom from cancer....the mother of 5, ages 2 - 17; it also brought news that the father of a friend I've known since childhood, died suddenly from a heart attack.
However, life always conquers over death. Today, our friends, Paul and Denise became grandparents for the first time with the birth of Isabella Rose. Steve is now an uncle too...
Joy mixed with sorrow...
Birth, marriage, death....

I know I'm probably leaving out a lot, but that's the basics.

A blessed, peaceful night to all....

Happy Feast of St. Mark

2009-04-25T10:42:00.002-04:00

There must be something about me and April 25th. I was looking back at my old postings (I also have a Xanga blog that I started over 4 years ago) and four years ago today, I had bronchitis. Three years ago, I wasn't sick, but I was worried sick about my darlin' daughter who was having "Steve" woes, and wasn't eating. Two years ago, I had a bad migraine headache. One year ago, I had a sinus infection and found out that I have high blood pressure.
Last night, I was awakened abruptly when I turned over in my sleep and had a horrible pain in my back. I must have pulled a muscle somehow and wow....did it hurt! The pain was so bad that I was literally panting to breathe and since it was in my upper back, it hurt even more with every breath. I couldn't get comfortable, so I got up and tried walking around. It was one of those places on my back that I can't reach well, so trying to rub it was pretty well impossible. I woke up my poor husband with my moving around.
I tried laying down again but that was useless, so I sat in my chair in our bedroom. I took some Advil and waited a while, sat in my chair, and prayed, and started offering up the pain for people....my parents, my dear husband, me darlin' children, the dear son of my heart, our friends, my godchildren...and somehow, being able to offer it up for all those people I love best brought me some joy. I found myself thanking our Lord for letting me share in His suffering a little. I tried to imagine how He must have suffered so much more than I was....and it brought me peace.
After about an hour, I was able to lay down (very carefully!) and sleep a little but then I had to get up early to take Michael, and his friend, Phil, who stayed overnight to Mass.
I think after this, I will take some more Advil and see if I can take a little nap.....

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all....

2009-04-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

I didn't have the most productive day, but that happens sometimes. We were up to go to early Mass; then we drove to the seminary here for a library tour with Michael's religion class from co-op. We didn't get home until almost 3 o'clock, which put all of my normal Thursday duties behind. However, we did manage to get some of the basic school subjects covered and I did make it to Adoration tonight....my favorite part of the week....His blessed presence and peace.

Easter Friday

2009-04-18T01:01:00.001-04:00

It was an absolutely beautiful April day here. We grilled out steaks for dinner and afterwards, Mark wanted to work in the yard for a while before we went to Adoration, so we arrived a bit later than we usually do.
The church where we go on Friday nights has a small chapel that they use for Adoration. When Mark and I walked in tonight, I immediately felt uncomfortable. One of our friends was there and another older woman in her 60's. Across the room, sitting on the side, was a man. He was the cause of my discomfort. He sat sideways, not facing the altar, and was looking at us with a strange smile on his face. He was drinking from a bottle of soft drink and had no book in hand; he wasn't even looking at our Lord. He was just looking at all of us. I felt those waves of evil that I have felt in other places, at other times.
We knelt down and I could feel his eyes on us. I struggled to pray....
About five minutes later, our friend, Lynn, got up to leave and came over to me. She whispered to me, asking me if I knew the man. I told her no, and she said that he had been there when she had arrived over an hour ago. She had planned on leaving earlier, but he had unnerved her so, that she didn't want to leave the older woman there alone with him. I told her that he was making me very uncomfortable also...
I whispered to Mark what she had said to me and the whole time, I could feel him watching us. I started praying to our dear Lord to send His angels to watch over us, guard us. I actually found myself wondering if he would whip out a gun and shoot us or something. Sounds crazy, I know, but with so much of that stuff going on lately, it didn't seem impossible. My thoughts immediately went to my dear children and wondering how such a tragedy would affect them. I kept praying for protection. I didn't think we should leave....I didn't want to leave the other woman alone with him, and I knew that if the woman left too, he would be alone with the Eucharist, and I was afraid he might have plans of desecration.

Later, Mark told me that he started praying that if the man wasn't supposed to be there, that he would leave. About five minutes later, he stood up, and without genuflecting or even looking in the Lord's direction, he left. I was so relieved. The other woman turned around and looked at me with a huge look of relief on her face too.
I must admit, every time the door opened after that, I held my breath wondering if it would be him coming back again, but thankfully, he didn't.
It always amazes me how I've become more sensitive to those waves of evil. I have felt them when we have prayed in front of abortion clinics and in certain parts of the city that we live in. I have felt them when we have been other places on vacation. I remember once several years ago, we drove through what appeared to be a quiet little town. The waves of evil struck me as we drove down the street. I said something to Mark and he had felt it too. A bit unnerving....

Thank you, Lord, for your loving presence; your comforting protection.

A blessed Easter Saturday to all.....

He is Risen!!! Alleluia!!!

2009-04-12T09:57:00.000-04:00

A happy, blessed Easter to all!!!!

The Easter Vigil Mass last night was beautiful....it always brings tears to my eyes. The moments I love best are when the Easter Proclamation is sung with the church all dark except for the candlelight; the Gloria when the church bells ring; the baptisms, confirmations, First Communions; watching the priest put the reserved Eucharist back into the tabernacle so that it is no longer empty; going to Communion myself.
Two little brothers were brought into the Church last night. One was an adorable little 3 year old and the other was his 8 year brother who was also celebrating his birthday. So that little guy will always be able to remember that he was baptized, confirmed, and made his First Communion on his birthday....isn't that awesome??!!
It's a beautiful morning here....hopefully it is at your house too....

Holy Monday

2009-04-06T23:54:00.001-04:00

It was a cold rainy day here....more like February than April. We even had snow flurries for a while.
I didn't have the best day, I must confess. John had a rough school day....he struggled with everything and I had to spend a lot of time with him and we still didn't get finished. I had to do the ironing for my mom and run some errands, go to my parents, pick up Michael from co-op, and try to listen to the Reds' game when possible. Unfortunately, they lost, 2-1.
I rushed around to get to my hair appointment at 5, only to find out that they had forgotten to call me to cancel. My hairstylist was sick, which means that my hair won't be able to be done before Easter.
I had been looking forward to those 90 minutes of sitting there and relaxing. Instead, I went back home and did some more school with John and made dinner, then went off to a planning meeting for the food for the wedding of Will's sister in a few weeks. That lasted until after 9. I'm in charge of the fruit, grapes and strawberries....doesn't sound too bad.
So now a tired me is off to bed. My day didn't go like I planned; my heart was heavy all day; but I offered it all up to Him. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad day after all...
A blessed, peaceful night to all.....

Palm Sunday

2009-04-05T22:54:00.004-04:00

Another week has gone by...I can't believe it's Palm Sunday already. Lent has flown by so quickly.
I love Palm Sunday Mass, though I must admit I cried during the Gospel. It's always difficult for me to imagine the pain and suffering our dear Lord endured because I know it's much greater than anything I could possibly imagine, but I have little difficulty in relating to how Peter felt when he denied Him. It brings tears to my eyes every time I read that Peter went out and wept.
I always find myself wondering what thoughts and feelings were running through our dear Blessed Mother's mind...the heartache she endured. This last week, I've been having a little heartache myself and I keep reminding myself that I am enduring only a little of what her heart must have endured. Sometimes, having to hold love in is a heartache in itself. I keep offering it up for the person who is causing it and for my dear children.

We had a busy weekend. Friday night I helped serve at the rehearsal dinner for the daughter of friends of ours. It was a very busy 4 hours of being on my feet (I never sat down once the whole time) and washing lots of dishes! By the time it was our turn to eat, I had scraped so much leftovers off the plates, that the food didn't look too appetizing to me!
Saturday morning we were up early to go to a conference. The guest speakers were Fr. Mitch Pacwa and Dr. Scott Hahn. They were awesome! Dr.Hahn was especially interesting. We arrived home just in time to clean up to go to the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and a lovely reception, but I was really tired before midnight had even arrived.
The week ahead brings taxes, schoolwork, errands, and Holy Week. We finally received the last paper we needed to do our taxes and I'm dreading them, but I know I must do them this week. It's also my mother's 85th birthday on Good Friday and I'm trying to figure out what we can do to celebrate a little without breaking our fast or the seriousness of the day.
I don't know when I'll have a chance to get on here again this week, but I do want to wish all of you a blessed Holy Week....a time when you can hopefully grow closer to our Blessed Saviour.
His peace to you all.....

Trying to Survive in the River of Death

2009-03-29T15:02:00.003-04:00

Another week has gone by....
I haven't updated because, frankly, Thursday and Friday I was so depressed that anything I would have written would have been whiny. The depression was prompted mostly by my deplorable hormones but aggravated by the circumstances of my life and the craziness of this world we're all living in.
On Monday, I attended the funeral of someone from Presentation Ministries, the lay ministry we're involved in...always a reminder that we must always be ready.
Wednesday, Mark told me about one of his coworker's 4 year old son dying suddenly in emergency surgery. He hadn't been feeling well for a few days and when they took him to the doctor, they ran some tests and found a rare kidney disorder. They tried dialysis which didn't help like they hoped. He had some type of surgery and died during it. The father was so distraught when he called to tell his boss about it, that the boss couldn't understand everything he said. Heartbreaking....
We also found out this week that a friend lost his job. He and his wife have five young children that they are trying to homeschool. Their 6 year old son fell and broke his femur, which resulted in surgery and a long recovery ahead. We're not sure what their insurance status is but we do know that the husband and wife are having marital difficulties. Things are not fun at their house these days.

The hormones resulted in me crying at the drop of a hat....Friday night I was literally crying when we went to bed. I was crying to poor Mark that I was scared.
All week long, I've had this picture in my mind....
I'm standing in a river and the water is rushing past me....I'm trying to hold on to my children.....trying to keep them from being swept away. I am overwhelmed with praying and hoping that they will stand in the water on their own....I'm afraid I will lose.
The dear Lord has entrusted me to try to raise these three dear souls for His kingdom. He has also given me a spiritual son to pray for and try to mother. Sometimes I feel as if everything is working against me. They don't always seem to understand the dangers I'm trying to teach them about; I'm so afraid I will fail in my task....

Today I woke up feeling a bit better...the hormones must be beginning to calm down. We went to 11 AM Mass. Beth and Steve were with us and I was glad because Father had an excellent homily....he was on fire.
He started out by talking about today's Gospel..."I am troubled now. Yet, what should I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour." He said to us that Jesus had free will and that He could have chosen to escape this hour. But He suffered through it for us, He suffered the now, to bring us eternal life. Then Father went on to say that we need to be willing to suffer now in order to gain eternal life. We have to think of that, not what we want to enjoy at this moment. He said we have to be willing to be martyred.
He talked about the Notre Dame scandal and how the president of Notre Dame is choosing for the prestige of this moment and is causing scandal to the country and is risking his eternity. He spoke about Cardinal Egan and his recent comments about the need "to rethink priestly celibacy" and how he is risking his eternity for the "now". He spoke about the Catholic politicians, the bishops, and the clergy who are causing scandal with their beliefs and actions, leading people astray, and risking their eternity. He went on to talk about how we need to be willing to bypass the pleasure of the "now" and suffer for the sake of our eternities. He spoke about living together in sin and artificial conception and how people are risking their souls for the pleasure of "now". He spoke about how people say that the Church "needs to get with the times" when the reality is that the times need to get with the Church.
He was awesome...
An image that he used was related to the one I've had in my mind all week. He said that our culture and society are a river of death and that we need to swim against this current; this river of death. Gave me chills to hear him say it when that was the same basic thought I had had in my mind all week.
After Mass, I spoke to a friend and told her how I had had that image in my mind all week of trying to hold onto my children in the river's current and she added that another problem is that as we're standing there trying to hold onto them, that the reality is that sometimes our feet give way and we move in the current with them....so true! I have caught myself in the last few years letting myself give in on something that I shouldn't have and I've been so unhappy with myself....things that I have tried to convince myself were not that bad, but in reality are part of that slippery slope. It is so, so difficult in this culture. Especially when people who we respect are giving in on some things with their children and our children are using them as an example. None of us are perfect and sometimes we can all misjudge.
So Father fired me up to keep fighting the fight. I know I have to keep in mind that I am not in this fight alone. Our dear Lord is right here with me, even if I don't always feel His presence. He loves me and He loves my children even more than I do. I am not alone.
I must keep a prayer, His name, always on my lips, always on my mind.

A blessed Sunday to all.....

Beautiful spring...

2009-03-22T22:56:00.000-04:00

It was a beautiful weekend here...very springlike. In fact my 88 year old father was out plowing the garden today. Every fall he says that he's not going to garden next year and every spring the planting bug bites him and he is out in the garden. I will be so sad the year it doesn't happen....

Mark painted our bathroom ceiling and prepared the walls for painting. Then he began work on stripping the wallpaper in our kitchen. He knew that he had to begin it....I just couldn't bear to start tearing off the paper. It's been on the walls for 19 years, but I still like it...I'm not tired of it. But I know it has to come down...it is getting dirty and torn and it looks old. It's definitely going to be a long, slow job, but I know that it will look nice when we're finished with it all. I'm still trying to decide what color to paint it.

Less time on the internet has definitely resulted in more schoolwork and housework finished and I like it. I'm definitely going to have to stick to this routine when Lent is over. I keep telling myself that when it's summertime and I'm only doing minimum school, I will be able to get lots of little projects finished. I'm just hoping that my summer blues don't strike this year....they have the last several summers and it's been difficult to get what I want accomplished. I'm going to make more effort to work through it if it happens again.

I've been thinking a lot about time....the Lord is putting it on my heart in a big way lately. It's so easy to fall into the thought that our time is our own. I have to keep reminding myself that every moment of my life is a gift to me from God and I want to use it the way He wills me to use it...that is what will give me the most peace. I have definitely felt a difference about it on the days that I have strived to use it to the best. What quiet joy and blessed satisfaction it brings!

I hope you all have had a peaceful, holy Sunday....filled with His wondrous grace....

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2009-03-17T17:53:00.002-04:00

I'm back again....

2009-03-16T22:52:00.001-04:00

Wow... I haven't updated in ten days....I have never gone that long. I have been spending less time on the internet and it is helping me to accomplish more, but I do miss updating. By the time I'm finished with everything and have time to get on here, I end up reading things and not posting. I'm forcing myself tonight.

The singing at Mass last week went very well. We were a hit! They want us to do it more often...the music director already is plotting to have us sing together at the Christmas Mass. I must admit that it felt so different to not be in a pew for Mass...I almost felt as if I had missed it. My sister says that that feeling will wear off the more often I do it.

We have begun to have some spring weather. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and 70 degrees...makes it difficult to do school, but we manage because I'm determined to get it finished!
I've had a whole new appreciation lately for the setting of our home. When I had the shower for Will's sister several weeks ago, I overheard several of the women who had never been to my home before, comment on the great views out our windows. I guess it's one of those things that I've grown up with and am used to, and it gave me a whole new appreciation for the blessing it is to be able to live on the family farm. I'll have to take some pictures soon and show you all...

I'm also getting ready to start doing some painting and redecorating in our kitchen and master bath. We did our bedroom two years ago, but have never finished our bathroom, so it is next on the list. Mark and I went out and bought paint tonight and I also picked up some paint chip samples to pick a color to paint our kitchen. We haven't done anything to our kitchen since we first decorated it 19 years ago when we built our house. The wallpaper is beginning to be in bad shape and our vinyl floor is in terrible shape. I never dreamed when we built the house that I would be homeschooling and that we would literally spend most of our day in the kitchen. The floor under the kitchen table is especially bad, so after we take down the wallpaper and paint, we will be replacing that too. I bought new curtains for my windows and would also like to get a new counter top. I'm hoping to get it finished before we have Beth's graduation party at the end of May.

I will try to update more frequently this week....I hope and pray that all of you are having a blessed Lenten season...

Call to Prayer

2009-03-06T15:09:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had an overwhelming urge to pray for someone?
It's happened to me twice this past week and both times when I didn't expect it.
Last Saturday, Will was in Washington DC with friends. Mark and I were at a meeting Saturday evening for our ministry leaders when I suddenly knew I needed to pray for Will. I started saying little prayers to myself and still listen to the meeting. After the meeting, we went to Paul and Denise's house and several times there, I knew I should pray again. When we arrived home shortly after midnight, I knew I needed to pray some more so Mark and I said a rosary together for him. I knew it was for some type of protection for him. Sounds crazy, I know.
Last night Beth went out with some friends rather late. In the last year or so I've grown used to this and can even go to bed while she's still out. Sometimes, I even sleep through the noise she makes coming home.
But last night was different. I was uncomfortable about her going from the moment she left. I started praying and asked Mark to pray for her too though the poor man was already in bed.
I couldn't go to sleep. I stayed up until after 1 AM, surfing the net and saying prayers. I finally was so tired that I went to bed about 1:30 and asked the dear Lord to wake me up when she came home so that I would know she was safe (or if she needed more prayers).
I woke up at 2:28 with a bad dream, and not even two minutes later, I heard her coming in the front door. What a relief! She told me that everything was fine. I can't help but think that maybe my prayers had something to do with everything being fine!
Sometimes, adult children can keep you up at nights even more than babies....

Hope you're all having a blessed Lenten Friday....

Singing practice

2009-03-04T21:14:00.000-05:00

We had our practice for Sunday's Mass this evening and it went pretty well. We just have to keep my brother Bill from making us laugh all through Mass on Sunday. He had us in stitches whenever we took a breather tonight.
He'll behave on Sunday, though. We actually sounded pretty good considering we haven't really sung together in over 30 years. We grew up singing....my mother was always singing and all five of us could sing too. We would sing while we were doing the dishes and other chores. There was always music in our house growing up...
Greg, our music director, is having us do a little harmonizing on two of the songs that we'll be singing during Communion and our spouses told us that we did a good job so we'll see what Sunday brings.
Afterwards, we went out to dinner together which is something we haven't done in a long time....it made for a very pleasant evening.
Off now to say my evening prayers and rosary.....may our dear Lord bless your evening with His peace....

Lent so far....

2009-03-03T23:45:00.001-05:00

My Lenten discipline has been going well. I have managed to follow my rules on being on the internet less time and I can really see the difference in what I've been getting accomplished. I've been able to get school finished everyday plus some extra housework. My Saturday didn't go like I planned but I went to the funeral of the mother of one of my fellow homeschooling moms, so I don't consider it a wasted day.
This week is one of those when I have something going on every evening. Tomorrow I have music practice at church with my siblings. All five of us are going to be singing together at 8:30 Mass on Sunday morning...the first time we've ever done anything like this. My sister has been cantoring at Mass for years and has told our music director that all five of us can sing, so he has been itching to have all of us sing together and they finally talked all of us into it. So tomorrow night we practice and Sunday is our big debut. We haven't sung together in years so I don't know how it will go, but I don't think we're going to do much harmonizing to begin with. If this goes well, maybe we can work on doing more at another Mass down the road. I am a bit nervous about it. My parents are excited about it...even my dad is going to come to Mass on Sunday (and he's not even Catholic).
Thursday night is the Lenten Soup Night at our parish so I have to make soup for that, do school, go to confession (it's our day before First Friday) and go to the soup night. It's also my usual night for Adoration. Friday night we have a family pancake breakfast at Mark's sister's house. Sunday afternoon I have a baby shower to attend.

I don't know how much I'll be writing on here in the weeks to come; I've really been struggling with writers' block. I just started my fifth year of blogging and I sometimes think I've run out of things to say. Maybe I just need to give it some time.

My heart is longing for spring..

I hope all of you are having a good blessed Lenten season....

Eve of Ash Wednesday

2009-02-24T23:40:00.001-05:00

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil 4:8

That is what I am going to strive to do this Lenten season. I am going to cut way back on my internet time, though I will be here everyday at least. I know that I have been spending too much time on my computer and that I need to force myself to curtail it and this is the best way I know how.
I am going to strive to fix my mind more on our dear Lord. I truly think that difficult times are coming; I feel it in my heart. The world is about to change somehow, unless there are many conversions and that would be a change in itself.
I am finding myself praying more and more for His wisdom and strength. I am not afraid right now though I know that I may have moments of fear if bad times come. I pray that I may have the grace to persevere; that my children and extended family; my dear friends all have the strength and grace to persevere.

"Walk while you may have the light, so that darkness may not overcome you." Jn 12:35

There may be very dark times coming, but the Lord will be our light. Always remember that the light of even one small candle can overcome the darkness but it is impossible for darkness to overcome the light of even just one small candle. Let Christ be your light that the darkness can never overcome.

Be not afraid...

A blessed night to all.....

Writer's block

2009-02-22T18:11:00.001-05:00

There are so many things I should be writing. I have at least three emails I should be answering and another that our dear Lord is putting on my heart, but I keep hesitating to write them. I have posts that I have been pondering and thoughts going through my head, but I have felt too weary to put them down here.
Perhaps when the time is right, the words will flow.
I have been seeing lately that my dear husband is becoming more wise. Sometimes the words just flow out of him that I know must be the Holy Spirit at work. Some of these words have been comforting; some have been convicting. Last night he said words that were convicting to a group of our dear friends that were greeted with various reactions.
Last week, he spoke words of comfort to me concerning someone dear to my heart who has been pushing me away lately. He pointed out to me the reason why this is probably happening and it was such a comfort to know that it is because I have been doing something right, not wrong.

We have been working on praying together more, always something that the evil one works against because it has such power. It is such a comfort.

On a lighter note, the shower went well, though I was exhausted when it ended. I realized that I had not sat down the whole afternoon except for one brief respite. My kitchen is still not completely back to order but I have been working on it in bits and pieces. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest after all....
I hope and pray that all of you have had the peace and joy of His love this blessed day...

A Bridal Shower

2009-02-20T16:55:00.000-05:00

I'm going a little crazy this week....
I'm having a bridal shower tomorrow for Will's sister. We invited about 40 people, it's for lunch, and I've only heard back from 10 of them. Trying to guess how much food to make is interesting. I'm figuring on 30 people and if there's leftovers, I'm sure I can feed them to my teenage sons who always seem to be hungry....hehe.....
It's also supposed to snow tomorrow and I'm worried about where everyone will park if it does. Our driveway will hold about 10 cars and we don't live on the type of street where you can park on it. Usually we have extra people park on our lawn, but that probably won't work tomorrow. I think I'll send Mark outside and he can handle it....
Hopefully, I will have time on Sunday to write some more.
A blessed weekend to all....

My Box of Memories

2009-02-13T00:43:00.001-05:00

I know I've been very quiet on here this week....
I have been catching up with some of the people I taught 25 years ago on Facebook. I found a group for the alumni of the school and I've written messages back and forth with some of my students who are now all in their late 30's. I'm finding out all about their lives...
I have often wondered about them and how they're all doing. I do pray for them as a group often and when one of them in particular pops into my mind, I pray for them individually.
Some people have put up pictures from way back when including one of my class from 1983-1984. All those beautiful young faces....

Tonight I pulled out my box of memories...memories that go back 40 years. Papers I wrote in grade school, high school, college. Pictures, cards, calendars....one including the first year Mark and I were dating. Every week I wrote down what we did on our date.
Letters and cards from my students, pictures they drew for me, lesson plans and grade books....
So many memories....
But it felt so strange....as if I was looking at the memories of someone else....a girl I no longer am. It made me realize how much my life has changed; how much I have changed. The young girl with all those dreams has grown up and has new dreams....
If the dear Lord blesses me with 40 more years, I wonder what I will think when I look back at the box of memories from now....

A blessed, peaceful night to all.....

2009-02-10T15:45:00.001-05:00

I was just thinking that I have never added any pictures to this blog. Here is one of me and me darlin' family last year on our beach vacation.

2009-02-07T11:11:00.000-05:00

The snow is melting.....the wind is blowing.....I hear the water dripping from the eaves. It feels like a March day.

I am thankful for the love of my dear Lord and my dear Blessed Mother. I am thankful for the love of my faithful husband, my parents, my children. Their love soothes my heart when others wound it.
I am not perfect....I am not a perfect mother, a perfect wife, a perfect daughter, a perfect friend....yet I am a child of our Lord and still lovable. He sees me as I will be when His work is finished in me. He is always patient with me. He sends His consolations when my soul needs them most.
I pray that I may have the grace to keep loving; to do whatever He wills with my life. I put it in His hands. I will ever strive to follow Him, though I know sometimes I will fail, will fall. He will hold my hand and pick me up again.
I have His peace; His quiet joy....

In an instant

2009-02-04T14:26:00.001-05:00

I was reading some blogs last night after my last post and I was saddened to read of the death of Amy Welborn's husband. I don't know how many of you have read her blog but she's been around a long time and she and her husband Michael Dubruiel are both speakers and authors of Catholic books.
He had just turned 50 several months ago and was working out at the gym when he had a heart attack and died. They have 5 children, aged 26 to 4, and I just laid awake for a long time last night thinking how devastated she must be feeling. I'm sure she's feeling like she's living in a nightmare she wishes she could wake up from.
It makes you think again about how quickly live can be over and how our circumstances can change in an instant. Here is a man who seemed to be in good physical shape, younger than myself, and he's gone without warning.
May our dear Lord have mercy on his soul and grant him eternal rest and may He comfort his wife and children and surround them with His peace and strength....

Facebook

2009-02-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

I joined Facebook several months back and today has brought some happy memories back to me. I had found a Facebook group for the alumni of the school where I taught and I recognized one of my former students and sent her a message. She messaged me back tonight and it was so good to hear from her. I always find myself wondering what happened to all of them...they were all so special to me. The school had very small classes and I taught the only 6th grade and changed classes with the 7th and 8th grade, so I had some of the same students for 3 years. Some of them came from such sad family lives and I was always wishing I could take a few of them home with me. Those were the years I was struggling with my infertility and I was always wanting to mother some of those poor kids who needed it.
So I am glad to make contact and maybe I will find a few more on there too...

Today is my birthday....I'm one more year old....

2009-01-29T00:31:00.000-05:00

Today I get to be the birthday girl.....if you can call someone who is 51 years old a girl....
Mark and Beth went shopping and baked a cake....triple chocolate cake........it smells heavenly!
Mark is taking off work and the roads should be fine for going to noon Mass and out to lunch and out to dinner. After dinner, we will take the cake and ice cream to my parents to celebrate some more. It ought to be a good day....they're spoiling me rotten.

A blessed Thursday to all....

Another Snowday

2009-01-28T12:57:00.001-05:00

Mark finally left for work only to find out that we're under a level 3 snow emergency. Since he's already there, we don't know what will happen now. Technically, he could get arrested driving home if the level 3 emergency is still on. Crazy enough, he had very little trouble driving in. It actually took him less time than usual because traffic was so light.
The snow has finally stopped and looks like a winter wonderland with the ice and snow. Staying in makes me realize how much my daily routine keeps me motivated and how much I rely on it. When I know that I'm not going to noon Mass it's so easy to goof off and not get much finished. Yesterday and today have really shown that to me...
I did get a lot of school finished yesterday but mostly late in the day. Having Mark home always makes me feel like it should be a day off for me too. He's supposed to be off tomorrow for my birthday, so I guess I better get in gear and get a lot accomplished today so that we can play tomorrow.. Hopefully, things will clear up enough so that we can go to noon Mass and out for dinner like we planned.

A blessed day to all....

Freezing rain

2009-01-27T17:37:00.001-05:00

Freezing rain and sleet are falling now so we're a bit worried about losing our power. We do have a fireplace and we do have some firewood, thankfully. However, Mark already has been called from work that he should be ready to go out with line crews if necessary. They have line crews coming in from the south and they need people to show them around town and such, so the engineers and people like that get called in from their desk jobs to help out.
It's looking nasty and my darlin' husband isn't too thrilled about it all.
Will had to drive to Dayton to pick his dad up from the airport this afternoon, so I've been praying for their safe travels too. Thankfully, Beth isn't scheduled to work these next few days, so she can just stay home.
I'm making a batch of my spaghetti sauce and meatballs and Michael is helping me. Mark has been doing school with John all afternoon which is definitely a blessing to me.

I hope and pray that all of you are well....God bless....

Snowday

2009-01-27T06:47:00.001-05:00

The snow is gently falling and is supposed to keep falling through until tomorrow. 10 to 15 inches they say now.
My darlin' daughter is happy because her classes are canceled for today and she had a big test. Now she has two more days to study.
My darlin' husband took one look outside and heard the forecast and went back to bed. A day of vacation ahead....maybe two if this forecast holds up. The day after that is my birthday and he already has it scheduled to be off. The poor guy will end up taking 5 or 6 days of vacation in January after being off three days last week for the March for Life in Washington DC.
I'm going back to bed....more later.

2009-01-25T23:13:00.001-05:00

"A mother is only as happy as her saddest child."
This was a line from the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie "Loving Leah" that was on tonight.
It struck me....it tells so much about a mother's heart.

"At the evening of life, we shall be judged on love." St. John of the Cross

2009-01-23T23:48:00.001-05:00

We made it back home safe and sound.....I hopefully will write more tomorrow. Thank you for the prayers!!

Packed for Washington DC and the March for Life

2009-01-20T22:26:00.002-05:00

We're all packed to leave for our trip to Washington DC. We have to get up at 3:30 so that we can get to the church to get the bus at 5AM. I know I won't get much sleep tonight....but I'll probably nap on the bus.
I must admit I've been a bit nervous about the trip this year. I know one reason is just the old devil working on me...he does it every year. But it is stronger than usual this year and Michael is nervous too. So I ask for your prayers for peace and safety for everyone going for the March.
The trip will be shorter this year, only two days instead of three. Good in some ways, bad in others. But it's definitely something that's meant to be a pilgrimage, not a pleasure trip so we try to keep that perspective about it all.

I am so grateful for my blogging friends....I feel like we are all a circle of prayer warriors for each other. It was amazing to me how I actually could feel your prayers lifting me up the other day when I asked for them. God is so good to give us the gift of intercession; the gift of prayer; the gift of our brothers and sisters in Christ. I had been praying for guidance about a certain situation that had been nagging at me for a while and I knew I was ready to talk to the person it concerned, when I stopped feeling agitated about and started feeling His peace about it. It doesn't mean that I still wasn't scared to have to do it, but I felt confident that it was the right timing. I have paid a price for it but sometimes you have to do what you know you should and I did it out of love. I just hope that the person involves really does know that I did it out of love for them....

Hopefully, Friday I will be able to write you all about our trip...it always seems to be an adventure every year.
May our dear Lord bless all of you with His peace and everlasting joy....

2009-01-20T08:27:00.000-05:00

Today feels like a day of mourning to me. I just read an article that said that one of the first things Obama plans to do is reverse the Mexico City policy that Reagan had first instated, was reversed by Clinton, and then reinstated by George Bush. Our money will be going back to funding abortions in other countries. Makes me feel sick....
Dear Lord, please have mercy on our country...

Baby, it's cold outside....

2009-01-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

We're having a cold morning here....the temperature is 6 degrees below zero with the wind chill making it feel even colder. But the sun is shining and that helps me feel cheerier. I am cringing thinking about our electric bill....

I read a magazine called Faith and Family and they usually have a story every month about how a couple saves their distressed marriage. They're always written from the perspective of our faith. This month's story talks about a young couple with three children struggling with wanting to divorce and the wife goes to talk to her parish priest. These are the words he said to her and they are so true that I wanted to write them here to save them in case I ever need to say them to someone....."Divorce is when parents give up and lay down their crosses and their children have to pick the crosses up and carry them". Wow....that is so true....my brother and his first wife divorced when their son was 17, and even then it had a great impact on him. He's 35 years old now and he still says that he hates being from a broken home. He understands the circumstances, and his mother drives him crazy, but he still hates the fact that his parents aren't together; that his parents don't love each other. The wound goes deep....

I am so grateful for a stable, loving marriage. Mark's not perfect, and I am far from it but our kids know we love each other even when we've had our occasional arguments. We laugh because every time Mark and I are getting a little affectionate with each other in front of the kids, Michael yells "Get a room!" hehe....and we just tell him to be grateful that we're still together and Mark does something to flourish it up a bit more just to make him sputter and mumble some more.

Believe it or not, we still have our Christmas tree up. We've been taking decorations down, a little at a time each day this week and tomorrow we'll work on the tree and finish it up. Next week is going to be crazy with our trip to Washington for the March for Life, so I know I need to finish it all up this weekend.

Please say a little prayer for me....my heart is aching a bit right now over a certain situation in my life. Have you ever wondered what actually causes the physical discomfort and tightness in your chest when you're feeling sad? I have...no wonder they call it heartache...

A blessed Friday to all ....may our dear Lord's love ever warm your heart and soul....

Lessons of motherhood

2009-01-14T16:47:00.001-05:00

I was just reflecting how motherhood can change and mold us. Day by day, another piece of the self-centered child in me is chipped away. Day by day he is using my experiences as a mother and spiritual mother to turn me into the person He wants me to be. Marriage began that work in me, but motherhood has multiplied it greatly; spiritual motherhood even more.
I know it will be a lifelong process....I know He uses it to help me to turn to Him; to rely on Him to be my comfort.

A blessed day to you all....

2009-01-12T07:26:00.001-05:00

I need to think less and pray more.

A blessed Monday to all...

Hopefully not a third time....

2009-01-09T14:54:00.003-05:00

All day yesterday, I was looking forward to going to Adoration. I usually try to go on Thursday evenings but I haven't been able to these last three weeks. Three weeks ago was the night the kids gave us the tickets for the Nutcracker, so we went there of course. Two weeks ago was Christmas Day and no Adoration and last week was New Year's Day with no Adoration. So I was eagerly awaiting it yesterday.
We usually go to confession on the Thursday afternoon before First Friday, but since that was on New Year's Day last week, that didn't happen. So I thought that I would take the boys to confession last night at 7:30, take them back home and then go to the other church where Adoration is. Mark had a meeting to go to, so he wouldn't be able to go with us.
As it turned out, Michael started with one of his migraines in the late afternoon and didn't feel up to going to confession, so I figured that he could go with Mark next week and just John and I went. Making dinner took me longer than I expected, so John and I didn't get out of the house until 7:25 and the church is almost 15 minutes away. We arrived at 7:40 and there was someone in the confessional and another homeschooling family we know with 3 children ahead of us. The person in the confessional didn't come out until 8 and then we had to wait for the family ahead of us. We ended up being there until almost 8:30. I wasn't too concerned because Adoration goes until 10. So I took John home, collected my prayer books for Adoration, and happily left to go to the other church. I was feeling so wonderful.....I always feel such peace after confession and I had lots on my mind to pray about. I arrived at the church a few minutes before 9, just in time for the final prayers being said to end Adoration. I was majorly disappointed. The person who was running it was different from the usual person and I stayed as long as I could until he put everything away. I walked out with him and mentioned that I thought Adoration usually lasted until 10, and he said that he had been told to end it at 9, so there was the explanation but it didn't help me feel any less sad. I came home to everybody watching the football game and lots of noise and went up to my room to say my rosary. I was so disappointed by this point, that I first just had a good old cry.
I had another bad night of sleeping....lots of bad dreams which has been the norm lately. I laid awake for a while, and couldn't sleep. I got up while Mark was getting ready for work and decided to lay back down for a few minutes after he left. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up again until almost 10. Yikes! Sleeping late always makes for a bad morning. I took my shower and got the boys going and we arrived at noon Mass on time. Then I started feeling bad....some girl woes, to put it nicely. The pain was really bad, much worse than usual. Right before Communion, I started feeling like I was going to faint....everything started looking foggy, I felt hot, and the pain was making me feel nauseous too. Poor Michael could tell that something wasn't right. I sat down and a woman I know was sitting behind us. She came up to check on me, and I sent Michael and John up to Communion while she sat there with me. When they came back, the faintness was wearing off and all I wanted to do was go outside and get some fresh air. So I gathered my boys up and out we went. The air did help but I was still not feeling well so we left and I missed out on Communion. Another disappointment.
Poor Michael and John kept watching me with those sweet concerned looks on their faces all the way home. I went up to my room for a while and afterwards sat on the couch while they brought me some lunch. John got me something to drink and Michael made me a delicious omelet.I am feeling better now, thankfully.
So I'm hoping that Mark and I can go to Adoration tonight...I'm really hoping that it doesn't happen a third time.
I almost afraid to look forward to it.
EDIT: I just found out that we're not going to being able to have churchhome tomorrow and I was really looking forward to that too. We haven't had it in almost two months and I was really looking forward to the prayer time together. Things have been working against this group too lately.
Actually, I think it's old satan at work.....trying to discourage me. I must be doing something right..

A blessed Friday to all......

Getting ready?

2009-01-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about the fact that I've written very little with spiritual substance on my blog lately. Perhaps because it takes so much more time to write something of that nature. It's so much easier to just tell about instances in my day-to-day life than to write out something with some thought. I do want to get back to that....
There has been lots on my mind in that regard and I have been thinking about the state of our world and about issues concerning my children. I've been having lots of bad dreams lately....I find myself wondering if our dear Lord is trying to tell me something in them. I've been lying awake at night thinking and saying little prayers and wondering if things are going to happen; if things are going to change; if God is calling me to get ready and to help those I love get ready.
We live in challenging times.

A blessed Wednesday to you all....

Sounds like a good time to take a nap....

2009-01-03T16:08:00.000-05:00

Having a busy weekend....
Last night we went out with Paul and Denise to dinner and a movie.
This morning we went to the funeral for Suzy's dad.
Tonight we are chaperoning the homeschoolers' Christmas Dance.
Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to go to in the afternoon.

I have the largest pile of shirts and pants in my ironing basket that I have ever had....it is overflowing.
I have bills to pay and lesson plans to write for school Monday.
I'm also beginning to plan a bridal shower for Will's sister next month and I have a baby shower to plan also.

I think I'll go take a nap.

A blessed weekend to all.......

2009-01-01T13:34:00.001-05:00

A Happy Blessed 2009 to All!!!!!

I'm busy getting ready to have a dinner party for Mark's family and our family friend from England who is visiting us this Christmas season. But I did want to take the time to wish all my dear blogging friends a blessed, holy new year....

A Better Day

2008-12-31T00:49:00.001-05:00

I did have a better day today. I had a talk with both of the people who I was upset about yesterday and things have improved. I was upset with two of the people dearest to my heart and I was having a hard time dealing with the anger I felt. At Mass today, I lifted up the anger to God and asked Him to please help me deal with it and in both cases, He did.
I always struggle with my prayer life when I'm angry about something. I tend to think of anger as being something bad but I know I need to get away from that feeling. It's not the anger that's wrong, it losing your temper and/or acting in an inappropriate way with it that's wrong. I need to learn that lesson. Growing up, anger was always thought of as a bad thing at my house and I know it's because my poor mom had to deal with her father's alcoholic temper. I don't blame her, she was just reacting to the trauma of her childhood and never had anybody to help her really deal with all of it.
So I need to get past that mindset and know that just because I'm angry doesn't mean I'm being bad unless I act in a sinful manner because of it (and I must admit that sometimes I do lose my temper in those situations.) In one situation yesterday I did lose my temper and yelled (which I felt really bad about and apologized for) and in the other, I kept praying for the Lord to help me with the anger and He did and hopefully, I didn't handle it too badly.
I guess that's a bit confusing...
But anyway, thank you for the prayers sent my way. I do really appreciate it and I know those prayers helped me.

I'm off to bed. We're having Mark's family over for New Year's Day and I have a lot of work to do tomorrow plus the homeschool moms are having a Mom's Lunch out, which we haven't done in over a year. I'm really looking forward to that.

A blessed peaceful night to all......I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of the year.....

2008-12-29T23:49:00.001-05:00

I had a crummy day.
It started crummy and it ended it crummy and inbetween wasn't too great either.
I want to write about all the crummy stuff but I guess I shouldn't. I'm just going to bed.

God bless...

Christmas Weekend

2008-12-29T00:00:00.002-05:00

The last few days have been very busy....
Our Christmas Day went very well. We actually had sunshine for a change...a beautiful day. My parents were healthy and we were able to spend Christmas dinner together at my sister's home.
Friday we spent a bit of time cleaning up our house after the mess and I made a huge batch of barbecue for dinner today. We had Community Mass in the evening and then went to friends' home afterwards for some Christmas cookies and a lot of fun conversation.
Saturday found me up early to morning Mass. I came home to Michael making marvelous omelets...they were wonderful! I told him he can make me an omelet any time his little heart desires. I spent the afternoon with grocery shopping and getting ready for today's dinner. Last night found us at a local pub listening to Will's Irish band.
Today was 11AM Mass and lunch out afterwards. I had invited Will's band to our house for dinner so they arrived around 5. They decided to turn it into a recording session using our piano. So all evening they have been singing and playing Christmas carols. Many beautifully done....
The only problem is that it is now almost midnight and my dear husband has to get up at 5:45 to go to work. I really didn't expect them to go this late and I'm hoping he can sleep. He put in the earplugs he uses when he goes shooting and hopefully he will be able to drift off. If he can't sleep, I guess I'll just have to kick them out...hehe....

I hope all of you have had a blessed Christmas weekend....may you sleep tonight in the comfort of His gift of love..