Living with Cancer Day 3

I've debated to myself about writing about my experiences these last three weeks...would it seem like whining? Would it help someone else who's going through it too? I'm hopeful that it will be of help to someone else someday who googles those words.

I woke up this morning and it hit me again....I have cancer. For almost three weeks, I woke up with the thought that I might have it and in my heart I knew I did those weeks of waiting.But now I know for sure.

Lent began wonderfully. I was inspired to do a better fast than I ever have; my prayerlife was flowing; I started doing my reconsecration to our dear Blessed Mother and it was having so much more meaning to me than ever. The consolations were flowing. Life was very good. Around week 3 of Lent, I started realizing that our dear Lord was getting me ready for something, but I didn't know what.

The first week in April, I scheduled my yearly mammogram and had it done on Friday, April 8th. I walked out of there not even thinking that there would be a problem but that it was just one of those things checked off on my list of things to do. My mom's 87th birthday was that weekend and I spent the next two days getting ready for her birthday party that I was hosting at our house. I was busy and the mammogram went to the back of mind. On Tuesday morning, I had a dental appointment. I had a tooth that needed a crown and I was dreading the procedure. My new dentist is a very nice man but slow. It took two hours of dental torture before he was finished.

When I got home, a message was on the answering machine. I needed to call the hospital where I had the mammogram done. And that's when it hit me; in my heart I knew.

I called and the woman told me quickly that I needed to have a diagnostic mammogram done on my left side and that scheduling would call me. Several hours later, a pleasant young man who seemed all flustered called me. I unfortunately would have to wait a week for it to be done. The waiting began...

The boys knew; they had heard the message on the machine. I called Mark and Beth. I told two of my brothers that I saw in the week ahead and I told a few close friends that I knew would pray for me.

My prayer life continued to go well but part of me knew what was coming. This would be something I could offer up.

I woke up with nervous anticipation on that Tuesday morning, April 19th. I went and had the same tech that I had done my first one. We talked of the terrible storm that we had had the night before. I sat in a waiting room, clutching my hospital gown around me while she went to show it to the radiologist. I sat and prayed for the strength to bear the words I knew were coming. She came back in and said that the radiologist wanted me to have an ultrasound. I sat and waited for ten minutes more until the ultrasound technician came.The radiologist came in and told me that it wasn't clear on the X-rays and that ultrasound would help them know if it was a cyst or solid.

She was a sweet young lady, young enough to be my daughter. I laid down on the table watching the screen while she searched for it and quickly it appeared. As soon as I saw it, I knew it wasn't a cyst. She told me it was small, less than a centimeter. It looked huge on that screen....

The radiologist came in, took one look, and said "It's definitely not a cyst. I don't know what it is."

I did.

It must have shown on my face. The technician grew quiet. The radiologist started explaining about having a biopsy done in a matter of fact way. I needed to see a surgeon first. My gp would call me and recommend someone. I quietly went back to the dressing room, quickly changed my clothes and walked out into the rainy day to my car, praying constantly. I sat in the car, called Mark and burst into tears. I calmed down...poor Mark...he has endured the times of my tears.

I called Beth; I called my friend Denise. I knew that she would call a few friends and start the prayers. Everyone kept telling me stories of how they had had a biopsy but it was benign. 80 percent of biopsies come back benign.....but someone has to be in those 20% that don't and I knew I would be one of them.

I had to wait another week to see the surgeon. Finally, last Thursday, April 28th, I had the biopsy. Not as painfree as I had been told to expect, but I got through it, praying constantly. I was laying on the table with the radiologist to my left, the ultrasound screen and tech to my right. There were only three places my eyes could go....up to the ceiling, on the doctor and the actual procedure or on the ultrasound screen. I alternated between the screen, the ceiling, and closing my eyes.....

I will write more later....a blessed day to all...

Jesus, I trust in You.

Camelot

I spent half of the afternoon crying through "Camelot" today. Now I remember why I haven't watched that movie in years....

It's so frustrating to watch. When I was younger, I would get so angry at Guinevere, Lancelot, and Mordred but as I've grown older, I realize the fault lies not with just them, but with the sins of many...

Arthur sleeping with Mordred's mother which results in his birth. (more below)

Guinevere and Lancelot's sin of adultery.

Mordred's hatred which leads to the final catastrophe.

The sin of revenge desired by the knights.

Now I can feel more pity for Guinevere and Lance, though I find it so ironical that it is Lancelot's purity and goodness that enables his prayer to be able to raise his fellow knight from death and that this is the moment that Guinevere falls in love with him. She falls in love with his goodness and this love ultimately leads to the fall of his purity.

I cried through the scene where Arthur realizes that they are in love with each other, and his first impulse is anger and revenge but his love for both of them prevails and his desire for goodness allows him to feel pity and mercy knowing that they desire not this pain nor his pain..

I still have a difficult time feeling any pity for Mordred. The movie doesn't tell much of his past, but if my memory serves me correctly, more of that is explained in the book, "The Once and Future King" which I read my senior year in high school (35 years ago). I think the book also gives more detail as to the circumstances surrounding Arthur sleeping with Mordred's mother. If my memory serves me correctly, Mordred's mother drugged Arthur at that time.

All reminders of the wide-reaching effect of his sin.

I am always touched by Arthur's continuing to love Guinevere and Lancelot despite the heartache they bring him. It reminds me of how our dear Lord continues to love us despite our sins; despite our rejection of Him; of how we are all called to continue loving even those who hurt us the most.

I hope all of you have had a blessed, peaceful weekend.

St. Francis de Sales

I have come to love St. Francis de Sales. Several years ago, I bought a book that contained the letters he exchanged with St. Jane de Chantal. I was drawn by St. Jane because she was a saint that was a mother and wife. Reading the letters drew me to buy An Introduction to the Devout Life. I was amazed because shortly after I bought it, I went to confession to my favorite confessor who told me that he thought I was ready to read Intro. One of those little God moments....

That was several years ago. Recently, I have felt drawn to read it again. It is definitely one of those books that you can go back to and get something more from every time. So last week I started looking for it among the many places we have books stored in the house. It was driving me crazy because things kept falling off the shelf onto me and making a mess yet I couldn't find the book. I told Mark that the devil really didn't want me to read it again...

So tonight I decided that I would try again. I said a prayer to St. Francis and the first place I looked (where I had already looked the other day), I found it. Less than a moment's time...I'm guessing his feast day was the perfect day!

Here's a quote from this holy bishop and Doctor of the Church....

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”

Wouldn't it have been awesome to have him for your spiritual director?

A blessed day to you all....

It's been a while again since I've written but here I am! Life has been incredibly busy and I've reduced my online time since school began. I can't believe I only have 18 months of homeschooling left. It's been such a huge part of my life these last 17 years that it's almost difficult to imagine my life without it! The result is that I've really been pouring myself into it and try to make the best of these least few precious months with my boys.

Michael will graduate in May and is planning on going to culinary school. Even that will be a big change next year with just John to teach. I will probably be finding myself free from afternoon school most days at that point. We still don't know what the dear Lord has planned for our John after next year but I am leaving it in His hands and know that He will some how lead us there. I know that John won't be able to handle college but perhaps a job in his future. Mark and I have come to the realization that we will probably have John living with us for a long time.

Our darlin' daughter turned 24 yesterday and that is still so hard to believe. I know she's a bit frustrated with her life right now but I keep praying that the dear Lord will lead her heart where He wants her to go. I can only watch, pray, and be here if she needs me.

We are also in the middle of doing a bit of redecorating. Our house is now 20 years old and we haven't changed much in that time. So last week Mark painted the half bath and I bought all new accessories to update its look. The carpet in the living room and dining room is well worn from twenty years of raising a family and it's going to be replaced the Monday after Thanksgiving. We are having Thanksgiving dinner at our house for our family members who can make it...this year it will probably be only 16....but I'm so excited about having it! For some crazy reason, I love hosting Thanksgiving some years. I find it so much easier than Christmas for some reason.

The carpet guys wanted to come the day before Thanksgiving to install it but I vetoed that...too much craziness when I have so much to do that day already. Today Mark and Michael are painting Michael's bedroom which has been in disarray since Beth moved out a year ago. Then the second week in December, new carpet will be arriving for the boys' bedrooms and the upstairs hall. I am also planning on remodeling our kitchen next summer which should be a lot of fun too. = )

I pray that our dear Lord will bless your Thanksgiving Day with His joy and peace.....

Sick Days

My home school year has gotten off to a bad start unfortunately. I started feeling bad on Tuesday and by the evening, I was achy all over, running a fever, had a headache, and was coughing like crazy. I have spent the rest of the week on the couch or in bed. I went to the doctor this morning and I have bronchitis. He gave me an antibiotic so hopefully, I will be feeling better in a few days.

The other thing that has made it harder to bear is that the weather has been absolutely gorgeous the last few days; the nicest days we have had in over two months. I have had the windows open which is a good thing but I do so wish that I felt well enough to be out and about in it. I just keep telling myself that the dear Lord has a better plan; there's a reason for everything...

I pray that all of you have a blessed, peaceful weekend....

Year 17

Year 17 of homeschooling begins! Only two years to go....

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

90 years old today....

It is such a blessing to still have him with us..