The Pain of Infertility

I've talked to a few people about infertility and adoption lately and it's reminded me of the pain we have endured with our infertility.I wish I could say that all of these issues have been resolved; but every once in a while they rear their ugly heads and make me miserable again for a while. However, each time I draw closer to healing, all with His grace.

I've noticed whenever I talk to young adults or teens that aren't married yet, they almost always assume they'll be able to have children when they marry. Anytime I bring up the other possibility they tend to look at me with disbelief. One of the few who doesn't is my own darlin' daughter; perhaps because she has lived with my infertility too....her (and our dear sons') very presence in our family is a result of that.
Whenever Mark and I talk to an engaged couple from our parish, I always bring the possibility up. Most of them have never discussed it. I know that Mark and I did discuss adoption in our pre-marriage days, but I wonder if we were the exception. I know that I always had a positive outlook towards adoption. I remember reading several books about it as a child and I was always fascinated by the topic. Perhaps our dear Lord was preparing me.
Though many don't think of it, the possibility is there. Mark and I each have five siblings. We suffered through infertility, and we each have a sibling who suffered through it too. We were the only ones to adopt; my brother and his wife and Mark's sister and her husband chose not to.They have remained childless.
None of us were people who would have been considered high risk for infertility. It was just part of God's plan.
The ironical thing in my family was that my brother and his wife and Mark and I were the only ones among my siblings who didn't use artificial contraception. The rest all did, at least in the beginning of their marriages. Some have since come to accept the Church's teaching on it. However, they were the ones who were fertile and we were the ones who weren't. It didn't seem fair....sometimes, the unfairness of it all would anger me.
I know that our dear Lord planned for our family to be the way it is, but I would think "Couldn't you have just sent me one baby after we adopted our others?" Other people would tell me stories all the time about people they knew who adopted and then got pregnant. Not me....
I remember being at a party with a bunch of Mark's friends from college many years ago when we were suffering with longing for a baby and before we were blessed with our Beth. One couple got up and said they had an announcement to make. I thought to myself "Oh no, another pregnancy announcement. Prepare your heart Barb."
However, this was even worse. They announced that they were planning on getting pregnant that month. They had decided this was the right time and they were confident it would happen.
And it did...
Drove me a bit crazy at the time.
I wanted others to be able to have babies, but I wanted to have them too.
Then there were the people who implied that we weren't praying enough; that we were lacking in faith. If we prayed hard enough or in the right way, we would have a baby. In other words, we were doing something wrong. I remember listening to a tape by a Catholic woman (who had five children) that barrenness was a curse from God. She quoted an Old Testament Scripture about it and talked about how they overcame infertility with faith. I couldn't believe it. Once again, momentarily, I felt like a failure.
I threw that tape away. It made me doubt but somehow I kept telling myself that I wasn't a failure; that this woman was wrong. It had nothing to do with Mark and me having a lack of faith. God had a plan even if I didn't like every aspect of it.
Several years ago, Mark and I were out for dinner with friends. We were talking about adoption and the husband said he could never adopt a child; he could never love someone else's child. I've heard that before but it became worse. He told us how he had wanted his wife to go to the doctor before they were married to make sure she could have a baby. She refused. I asked him what he would have done if she had gone and the doctor had said she couldn't and he honestly said that he didn't know; that he might have changed his mind about marrying her. I couldn't believe he was sitting there, saying that in front of his wife. Fortunately for their marriage, the good Lord has blessed them with many children but I couldn't believe the attitude. I felt blessed that I knew that Mark had never felt that way....he loved me, not my ability to bear children.

So our infertility has been a cross to bear and a blessing. Without it, we would not have Beth, Michael, and John. It has bonded Mark and me closer together.
It has brought pain, but it has also brought growth.
I think of the fact that a child is a gift from God. Our modern society tends to think of having a child as a right. When I was going through treatment for the infertility and the treatments that were allowed by the Church weren't helping, my doctor suggested invitro fertilization. He really felt that I was an excellent candidate; that I would get pregnant that way. But I said, "No, it's against my faith." and he laughed at me and told me that many Catholics were using it, but I knew that didn't make it right. I have comfort in that.
Children are a gift, not a right.
Hold yours tight...

A blessed Saturday to all....

The Significance of Dreams...

I've always wondered about the significance of dreams. I know I dream every night, but I usually only remember bits and pieces of my dreams and rarely do I remember a dream vividly. In the last few years, however, there have been a few times that I do remember a particular dream and I wonder if they mean anything or why I remember those in particular.
Sometime in the last few years, I blogged about a dream (but I can't go back and find it easily; I guess I should start tagging my entries) where I was in what seemed to be a huge glass ball. There were many other people in it with me, but I knew no one else. We were out in space and it was all dark except for the stars. I remember being afraid...I didn't know who I was with or where we were going. We could see out all around us...
Suddenly, I could see the sun ahead of us and we were moving towards it...I knew we were on a collision course and that when we hit it, my life would end. My heart was pounding, anticipating it. I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces, and then noticed a woman walking towards me, smiling. She held out her hand to me and I kept thinking that she looked strangely familiar. She looked like me, only better and I realized that she was my guardian angel. She told me that she would stay with me through it all and that I needn't be afraid...that everything would be all right. I felt His peace come over me and all fear left me...
That was when I woke up.
Several months ago, I had a dream where I was walking down the street from our house to my parents' house. It was a cloudy, cold day and no one was out and about. I heard the noise of a large vehicle behind me, and I turned around to see. At first, it looked like a large red truck but then I realized that it was a large red train car on wheels. It came slowly down the street and stopped right by me. There was glass in the front that was for the person driving it to see, but it was all dark and I couldn't see inside. My heart was pounding as it slowly moved past me and the side door slid open and I could see all these people inside, crying and sobbing. Someone motioned to me to come near but I shook my head no. It went by and up the street and over the hill. I was very afraid by now so I ran down the street to my parents' house. I rang the doorbell but they didn't answer. I could hear the sound of the train car coming back up the hill, so I ran around the house to the basement door. It was unlocked and I flew in. I tried to relock the door, but the lock wouldn't work. I saw a shadow by the basement windows and looked over to see the train car slowly backing down my parents' driveway. I knew they were after me, but the door wouldn't lock. My heart was pounding as I could see them coming nearer, and at that moment, I thankfully woke up. All I could think of then was the pictures of the victims of the Holocaust in train cars that I had seen...
Last night, I had another strange dream. I was in an unfamiliar house. There were many people there, but I didn't know anyone. I knew we were all in some kind of war situation. The enemy was near...
I don't know exactly how it happened, but suddenly there was a man standing in front of me. I knew he was the leader of the enemy...I felt evil coming forth from him and my heart started pounding. He handed some pills to me and the man standing next to me. They were odd-looking, reminding me of candy, but I knew they weren't candy...they were poison. He told the other man and me to take them. He said they would be good for us, but I knew he was lying. I stood there holding them in my hand and the evil man moved back away and out of my sight. The man next to me decided to take them and put them in his mouth and for a moment, I was tempted to take them also, but didn't. I crushed them and threw them away. A woman standing next to me asked me what I was doing, and all I could say was that they were poison. At that moment, the man who had taken the pills started becoming sick to his stomach. He collapsed and passed out. I knew then that I had been right and that they were poison. I looked up through the crowd of people around me watching and I could see the evil man coming back; he was glaring at me and very angry; he knew I hadn't taken the pills....my heart started pounding and then thankfully, I woke up.
I laid awake a long time after this one....it took a while for the beat of my heart to return to normal.

It is strange to me that in all three dreams there was no one I knew with me. I was either alone or with a group of people unknown to me. I'm not sure of the significance of that...
Crazy, I know, but these dreams all stay with me.

A blessed, peaceful Sunday to all.....

A Blessed Christmas

It is almost here...that blessed day.
I have been so happy the last two months or so...it's been awesome. I don't why or what has been different but the Lord has blessed me with joy and contentment. I think it's one reason why I haven't written much...perhaps I was afraid that if I wrote about it, it would suddenly vanish. I did get a bit sad when Beth moved out but it wasn't that heaviness of heart and depression that I've experienced so frequently in the last five years.
Strangely enough it ended this past week....my heaviness of heart has returned. It always makes me turn to our dear Lord more so perhaps He is calling me closer this week before we celebrate His birth. It hasn't been terrible at least and perhaps it is because I have learned that it will pass...that it does not go on forever....it is just a phase. I have been offering it up...perhaps someone dear to my heart needs my prayers and I don't even know it. Perhaps there is someone out there that I don't even know that needs me to offer this up. Only He knows...
Today has been the first day that I started to feel a little panic about having everything ready but it subsided rapidly. It's a shame that we don't appreciate how carefree these blessed days are when we are young and can just enjoy. I think back to the joy and carefreeness of Christmas when I was a child and keep reminding myself that I am trying to give that magic to my children.
I do miss having a little one in the house at this time of year...it's always a pleasure to see the wonder of it all in their eyes. Perhaps in a few years, we will be blessed with a grandchild to share it with...won't that be a joy!
The family is coming to my house on Christmas Day this year....right now the count is at 32. We roasted the turkeys already and have the meat and gravy in the fridge all ready to reheat on the big day. Everyone is bringing something so I'm hopeful that the day won't be too stressful, but I know I will be tired when it is over. I'm looking forward to some relaxing days this weekend and next week before I have to start up school again. I am taking Michael out of his high school co-op and am going back to planning his schooldays myself. We've gotten behind on his math and there are several things I would like to focus on to help get him ready for the SAT. I do wish he had some idea what he wants to do after high school...in 17 months he will be finished and I know it will be here in a wink of an eye...my babies are growing up so quickly!
A blessed Christmas to all of you....may you feel that magic that the day came bring but even more, may you feel the blessed peace and joy that only He can bring.

I have found the most difficult part of the day when trying to adjust to the fact of one of my babies leaving the nest is bedtime.... when she doesn't come home and we turn out the lights and I come upstairs and she's not in her room...
I guess it will just take a little time to get used to....

A blessed, peaceful night to you all and to me darlin' daughter....

A Busy Month

My life has been a bit hectic lately....
Also my laptop died and I didn't get much computer time for a few weeks but that was a good thing actually. I weaned myself from my addiction....hehe....
I've been doing great with the boys' schoolwork and I've gotten some Christmas shopping finished. Doctor visits have been keeping me busy between my parents, my aunt, and my boys. Last Tuesday we took Michael up to Children's for an orthopedic visit and we found out that not only does he have scoliosis, but he also has kyphosis which means he has a slight case of being hunchbacked. Since he's probably finished growing the doctor says there's a good chance that it won't get any worse now but it's still possible, so he has to be checked every six months. He also is going to start physical therapy to strengthen his back. They also found that his left leg is shorter than his right leg so he needs a shoe lift.
I'm hoping and praying that it won't get worse because the surgery for it is nasty.

My sister-in-law's mother died last week so on Thursday and Friday Mark and I and my youngest brother went to Chicago for the funeral which felt like a whirlwind two days.

My dad's ex-wife died two weeks ago and so now my parents are going to look into seeing if they can be married in the Church. This would be awesome and I'm praying that it is possible. Any prayers you could send their way would be greatly appreciated. My dad is not Catholic but my mom is, and she has been away from the sacraments for 57 years, though she has always gone to Sunday Mass and has raised all of us in the faith. That my mother could someday come back to the sacraments has been my prayer for a long time...

My darlin' daughter closed on her condo last Monday and has gradually been moving in, having her furniture delivered, her security system installed, and such. Last night we went out to dinner for her birthday after I sang my first solo cantoring at the Vigil Mass, (boy was I nervous!) and then she came home and took some of her clothes and left to spend her first night in her condo. I was trying not to cry and thought I was doing a good job, and after she went out the door, the tears came. I hadn't fooled her however, and she came back in and gave me a hug and we cried together.
Mark and I watched her drive off, and even though she is only five minutes away, we both felt the pain of the loss. I kept thinking about how we waited almost 9 years for her to come into our lives; how she had been the answer to our prayers for a baby and I couldn't believe how quickly those years have gone....
She had to work a 12 hour shift today so we haven't seen her and it's so strange to think that she won't be coming home tonight. How difficult it is to let them go.... my mother's heart is aching a bit tonight...

However, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this week....I absolutely love this holiday.... and she will be at Thanksgiving dinner with us and I know that I will get used to this stage in my life. I am so thankful that she is nearby and I know that we will still see her often.

A blessed peaceful week to all....

A New Phase of Life

Beth received the closing date on her condo Friday and I realize that in just a few weeks she will be leaving home. I laid awake in bed the other night and realized that I am living the last few weeks when all of my children will be sleeping under our roof together....a thought that brings tears to my eyes but also that little joy that I have managed to raise a responsible young lady who is ready to move out into the world.
Another phase of my life is about to begin....

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Sunday.....

Life has been crazy....

I finally have a few minutes at home alone in which I can write.
Mark and Beth are at work, Michael is at co-op, and John is at the grocery store with my dad.
The last nine days have been a bit crazy.....
Last Monday, it started with my aunt calling me nice and early in the morning and she was crying. She's 88 years old, widowed for almost 30 years, and lives alone. Her only child, her son, died of a pulmonary embolism when he was only 37, so she just has three granddaughters, all in their 20's. She calls me every week and I always ask if she needs anything because she's pretty well homebound now. She told me that she was low on groceries so I told her I would come in the afternoon and go shopping for her. I did my normal morning routine, the boys and I went to noon Mass, home for lunch, and then John and I went to my aunt's. She started crying again when I got there. She tells me that her oldest granddaughter is pregnant (not married). My aunt, of course, is upset about that plus the fact that her granddaughter must have told her that she won't be able to help her much any more. This granddaughter would come once a week and take her to the store or the bank, but now she probably won't be doing this. Her other granddaughters rarely come to see her at all, so of course she is worried about what is going to happen to her. So I tell her that I will help her out. This means, of course, that I will have to go over there at least once a week, if not more. It wouldn't be so bad except that I have my own parents becoming increasingly dependent on me for help. I'm the only one of my siblings that doesn't have an outside job, and all the spouses have jobs too, so everything falls on me during the week. Last week, I was there everyday for at least an hour, usually more and it is so difficult when I'm trying to homeschool the boys and keep up with everything else.

Wednesday morning Mom had a doctor appointment and had to have blood tests done at the hospital so we were up early and didn't get home until after 1 PM. In the afternoon, Mark took Michael to the doctor because he has been complaining about his back and we found out he probably has scoliosis. I felt terrible because I hadn't noticed. It seems that his left shoulder is lower than his right shoulder which is a symptom and I've just been grumbling at him to stand up straight because I thought it was just bad posture. The doctor they recommended he see doesn't have an open appointment until February so now I need to see if I can find a different doctor who can see him sooner. I cried a few tears over that situation, feeling that I should have figured that out a long time ago and wondering if it will be too late to help it.
Thursday was a nice, normal crazy school day. I was behind because of my busy days on Monday and Wednesday, so I rushed around all day. Mark and I actually went to the grocery store at 10:30 PM and 11:45 found us putting the last of the groceries away.
Friday morning I was all ready to do my exercise routine when the phone rang and it's my mother. My dad had been up with a stomach bug all night and was now appearing to be dehydrated. We're told to take him to the hospital so off we went. I had rushed out of the house with no breakfast and without taking my shower so it made for a long morning of sitting in the emergency room. My mom also had left without breakfast and taking her morning medications so she was worried about that and Dad. We were also surrounded by people who were there because they had the flu and H1N1 is in full force around here.
I offered to go home and get Mom's medicine but she didn't want me to leave because she was afraid they would tell her something and she wouldn't remember. (She has been struggling with dementia for about two years now). So I started calling my brothers to see if anyone can leave work for an hour to get Mom's medicine and give us a chance to get something to eat. I finally got in touch with my brother Steve who was able to get the meds and stay with Dad for 20 minutes while Mom and I got lunch in the hospital's cafeteria. Thank the dear Lord for cell phones! I don't know what I would have done without it. Around 5 o'clock, my brother Chuck and my sister came to relieve me after they got home from work. By this time, they had decided to admit my dad and had moved him to a room. Mom and I were exhausted by this point. Eight hours in the emergency room is no fun. I took her home and then went home to get dinner for us. After dinner, we took John to my mom's so that he could spend the night with her, bless his sweet heart!
On Saturday, Beth and I took Mom up to the hospital in the morning and they decided to keep Dad another day. Thankfully, my siblings took over for the rest of the weekend. I am so thankful to have siblings; I can't imagine being an only child in these situations. Saturday evening Beth and Michael went out with friends and John went to stay with my mom again, so Mark and I had an opportunity to go out for dinner alone and we took advantage of it...very nice indeed.
Despite the fact that my week was so hectic, I still was able to find His peace in it all. None of my days went as I had planned but each time I just kept remembering that it is all in His hands. On Wednesday and Friday I wasn't able to get to daily Mass as I usually do but on both days, I found myself looking at the clock at noon when I would normally be at Mass, and His peace just flooded over me. I felt His comfort that I was where I was supposed to be....
God is good indeed, always.
A blessed Tuesday to all....