Halfway to Christmas

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that it is the Feast of the Birth of St. John the Baptist which also means that it is halfway back through the year to Christmas. It's hard to imagine that six months ago it was Christmas Eve and I had no thought in my mind that in six months our friend Kay would be dying of cancer and that I would be getting ready to have radiation treatments for cancer myself. Life surely can change quickly....

I know I haven't written much lately but I've actually spent much of my free time at home reading about treatment options. There is so much information out there and so many different opinions. It boggles my mind at times but I keep praying for direction and discernment. I went to the radiation oncologist on Tuesday for my consultation and she totally agreed with our decision to skip chemo. She couldn't understand why it had even been offered to me. A few other things she said made me think that I definitely need to get a second opinion about hormone therapy. I don't want to be pushed into something I don't need. She also called my surgeon while I was there and asked her why my clear margin was so small on one side (only 1mm). It turns out that my tumor was that close to my chest wall...yikes! I was so close to being stage 3; just 1mm(the thickness of a dime) away...the dear Lord is good indeed. It does reinforce our decision to do the radiation.

On Tuesday, they did a simulation and marked me all up. I am now blessed with some nice black X's and round sticky tape. I will have my first radiation treatment on Monday. I'm going to have 23 treatments to the general area and then a two week break before I get 8 boosts, which are treatments that are directed exactly at the area where my tumor was. This is more than the usual number of boosts but that's because my clear margin was so small on the side that was next to my chest wall. They want to make sure that there are no little bad cells still floating around there. I should hopefully being finishing up just in time to start school with John. The common side effects are burn to the area and fatigue. I've read online that the fatigue can last for months after the treatments are over. Time will tell...

I am so grateful for all of the prayers. I know that His grace is the only thing keeping me from getting in the panic mode. It's also what is keeping me from staying in the self-pity mode. There have been moments when I've fallen into feeling sorry for myself and His grace keeps me from staying there long. I was talking to a friend about it last weekend and told her that I had moments of struggle in this area but then remind myself that lots of people have had to deal with far more than I am and how blessed I feel to have such a wonderfully supportive husband, family, and friends. She said that she always reminds herself when she's tempted to say "Why me?" that she should be saying "Why NOT me?" Wise words indeed and I know that I will keep her words in mind any time that I'm tempted to go there.

Three weeks ago we were at the wedding of the son of dear friends of ours and at the end we were watching the couple dance one more time and two of my friends were sitting by me holding their grandbabies and I got all teary-eyed wondering if I would get to be at my children's weddings and hold my grandbabies someday. I keep telling myself that I have to keep trusting in His plan; that He knows what is best. It's not always easy to do but with His grace I can do all things...

Michael's Graduation Day!!

Today is Michael's high school graduation day! It's a beautiful day and I'm happy and thankful that I'm feeling well and can enjoy it.

Where did the years go? Michael has grown up so quickly. I can't believe that it will just be John and me at the kitchen table doing school next year and then he too will be graduating. I am so grateful to our dear Lord for these years He has given me with my babies....what a blessing they have been to my life!

Tomorrow I go back to the oncologist and find out my test results but today is Michael's day....13 years of his work and mine together coming to an end.

I'm a proud mama indeed.

A blessed day to you all....

Back to Waiting Cancer Day 25

I am relieved to be able to write that the biopsy on my lymph node was negative...no cancer there....what a blessing! I was so happy for a few minutes thinking that now I would only need six weeks of radiation treatment and something to deal with the hormones that were feeding the cancer I had. Then the oncologist broke my happy bubble and told me that I may very well need chemotherapy after all. To say I'm not happy about this is putting it mildly. It's not just the months of feeling lousy; it's also the long-term effects that it could have. Will I be trading one illness for another? Who knows...

Fortunately, there is a new test for people with my type of breast cancer called Oncotype DX. They take a sample of the tumor and do a molecular study of it that can give some indication as to the chance of recurrence. I'm hoping that I have a very low number so that the doctor will think it's pointless to do chemo. Either way, I'm praying that the dear Lord will make whatever I'm supposed to do clear.

All the interruptions in my life is also affecting my prayer life. I've had myself in a routine and when I have early morning doctor appointments to deal with, it starts my day out all wrong. I had medical appointments on the last four days. Michael had an appointment on Monday with a cardiologist that turned out well; I had my bone scan and CT scan on Tuesday; John had an orthodontic appointment yesterday; I had my PET scan today. Monday I missed my morning prayer time because our alarm clock didn't go off and we woke up 35 minutes before it was time to leave for his 7:45 appointment. But fortunately, I did better the last three days and it always makes such a difference in the way my day goes.

For the most part, I have done well with handling it all emotionally but last Friday was a bad day. I have to admit I let myself get into a self-pity mode and cried a lot. Part of it is just all the changes in my life because of the disease and the feeling that I've lost control of my days. Friday night Mark and I went to Adoration for an hour and a half and what a difference it made! By the end of our time there, I had calmed down again and was feeling better about things. I'm really striving to trust our dear Lord with my life, but I do have moments of just plain feeling scared and sad.

On Tuesday, they had problems with my IV and ended up infiltrating me. By midafternoon, my arm was swelling up and then my hand starting getting numb and tingling. I called my doctor who told me to go to the ER. Poor Michael drove me there; he was more nervous than I was but I had heard some horror stories about infiltration and it's a bit unnerving to feel your skin getting tighter and tighter. Fortunately, a steroid shot helped a lot and by Wednesday afternoon, it was much better. I laughingly told the nurse who called me the next day that my tests might kill me before the cancer!

With three tests this week and my oncotype DX, I'm back to waiting for results again. I have an appointment with my oncologist next Thursday and I'm wondering if she will make me wait until then for the results. I know she won't want to tell me anything until she has all the results and with the holiday weekend, I'm not sure when that will be. I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's not always easy. I was laying on the table, going through the PET scan this morning, praying and hoping that nothing shows up...a strange feeling.

It is nice to think that I have no doctor appointments for a whole week....Yay!!! Tomorrow is our last day of school and I'm going to strive to just enjoy the long weekend and having some normal days. I'm also looking online for a place for Mark and I to go on vacation when my treatment is over. I'm really hoping that I just need radiation which means we could go on vacation in September. A week at the beach with my darlin' husband would be wonderful. If I need chemo, it might not happen. The earliest I would be able to finish my treatments in that case would be late November and I love the holidays so much that I wouldn't want to go then. I'll just have to put it all in His hands.

Jesus, I trust in You..

Thank you again, everyone, for your prayers...they mean so much to me. I hope and pray that all of you are having a blessed Thursday.

Morning of Surgery Day 15

I was awake early this morning....my hands are a bit shaky as I type. It is a cool, cloudy day...when I put up the shade in our bathroom this morning and I looked out, I asked the dear Lord if I could see one little glimpse of blue sky. Just then some clouds moved and I got a glimpse of a tiny patch of blue; very quickly it disappeared again. God is good, indeed.

"O God beyond all praising,

We worship you today

And sing the love amazing

That songs cannot repay;

For we can only wonder

At every gift you send,

At blessings without number

And mercies without end;

We lift our hearts before you

And wait upon your word,

We honor and adore you,

Our great and mighty Lord."

Friday evening, Mark and I went to the archbishop's dinner at the seminary here in Cincinnati. We donate to the seminary every year and so we are invited to this dinner. It begins with Mass at 5:30. This was the first verse of the closing hymn.

After Mass, they have a social hour where everyone stands around, having a glass of wine and eating appetizers. Mark and I don't actually know many people at this, but every year we meet someone new. We were standing alone talking for a few minutes when a man in his early 40's came up to us and introduced himself as one of the seminarians from the diocese of Toledo, Ohio. We started talking and he told us about his life in the Coast Guard for twenty years before deciding to enter the seminary. He then proceeded to tell us that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, stage 4, last fall. I had thought earlier that he didn't look very healthy....I ended up telling him about my diagnosis. We talked about how he had managed to get through the school year undergoing treatment.

"The flower of earthly splendor in time must surely die,

It's fragile bloom surrender to you, the Lord most high;

But hidden from all nature the eternal seed is sown

Though small in mortal stature, to heaven's garden grown;

For Christ the man from heaven and death has set us free,

And we through him are given the final victory."

I didn't tell him about my brother, David, dying from pancreatic cancer three years ago...I'm sure he is already well aware of his odds. I was in awe at the peace in him. A few minutes later, a couple from our parish, who have a son who is a priest, came up to us and interrupted our conversation but we promised to pray for one another.

Shortly before 7:30, they called us in for dinner. Table seating is assigned and we ended up being at a table with that seminarian, two other seminarians, a retired priest, and a deacon and his wife. I was seated next to a seminarian named Andrew, who went to the Josephinum with Will and Johnny, and we struck up a conversation. He told me how amazing the seminarian with cancer has been all year; how he has persevered despite difficult treatments and illness. What a blessing it was to me to hear this...

"Then hear, O gracious Savior,

Accept the love we bring,

That we who know your favor

May serve you as our King;

And whether our tomorrows,

Be filled with good or ill,

We'll triumph through our sorrows

And rise to bless you still;

To marvel at your beauty

And glory in your ways,

And make a joyful duty

Our sacrifice of praise."

All night long, every time I awakened, this hymn was running through my mind. It is on my lips this morning; especially this last verse. I wish I could say that my fears are completely gone, however I am comforted in knowing that He is with me through it all.

I am thankful indeed for that, and for all of the prayers of my dear friends, near and far.

A blessed, peaceful day to all.....

This Roller Coaster Ride Called Cancer Day 12

I found out yesterday that my surgery will be Monday afternoon at 2:30. Today, a nurse from the hospital called to tell me that I need to be there by noon because I'm scheduled for a needle localization at 1 before the surgery. News to me. It turns out that I have to have dye injected into the area before the surgery and the idea doesn't sound too appealing, especially since I will be awake.

I have to admit I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. Most days I have done very well, being upbeat and cheerful. Today I was fine until the nurse called me and it all struck me again. I ended up crying while I took my shower...a good place to do it because then the boys don't see. I've tried very hard to keep my spirits up in front of them so that I don't scare them.

All along, some of the mornings have been the hardest and I've always felt better after I go to noon Mass. The Eucharist is such a gift! Today, however, I didn't go to noon Mass because Mark and I have been invited to the Archbishop's dinner at the seminary and they are having Mass before dinner. At this point, I don't really feel like going to the dinner but I know I will feel better once I get out of the house and think about something else. I also know that the Mass there will be beautiful....it always is. =)

I think I'll go take a nap and then finish up all the prep work for the boys' schoolwork for next week. I want to have everything ready before Monday so that we can get through the school week easily. I have no idea how I will feel after surgery. I've checked some forums and some women have little discomfort after surgery and some are miserable for weeks...time will tell! I just keep praying and know that our dear Lord and His Blessed Mother will see me through.

A blessed, peaceful Friday to all....

Waiting, Waiting, and More Waiting....Day 10

Now that the MRI is over, I'm waiting for the surgeon's scheduler to call me to tell me when my surgery is going to be. I think the woman may be into torture....hehe....I definitely think the dear Lord is trying to teach me more patience and is reminding me that I'm not in control of my life.

The MRI was interesting. When they called me back into the room where the scanner was, all dressed up in my hospital gown, the young lady tech asked me if they had explained the procedure I was about to undergo. I answered that they hadn't. She then proceeded to tell me that I was about to endure an hour of torture. The exact word she used was "torture". She said it with a very serious face.

She wasn't kidding.

I won't go into all the details but I had hoped that I could say my rosary while I was in there. That didn't happen. All I could manage was a few "Hail Mary's" and little prayers to our dear Lord, the Blessed Mother, and my guardian angel to keep me from moving and yelling out, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" I have a bit of claustrophobia and laying in there, face-down, with an IV in my arm, my arms above my head, constant pressure on my breastbone, all of which was very uncomfortable, and not being allowed to move one tiny bit for an hour was difficult. Every time I started to feel a moment of panic, I thought of our dear Lord hanging on the Cross, and offered it up to Him.

I lost all track of time. I was so grateful when she called in to me and told me that there were 3 more three minute intervals to go....the end was near.

I was so happy and relieved to get out of there, that I practically ran out to Beth who was in the waiting room. We went outside into a beautiful spring day and I felt like someone had given my life back to me. =) We went out for a very nice mother-daughter lunch and I could laugh at my panicky moments and be so thankful that I had only to endure one hour of torture where our dear Lord endured more than three of much, much worse.

God is good indeed, always.....

A blessed day to all....

MRI today

I have my MRI today at noon...I'm praying that I can lay still for that hour...I'm such a fidgety person. One of my friends told me..."Remember when your kids were little and you prayed that you could lay down for an hour? Well, God is answering your prayer." Hehehe....
Smiling about that and praying will get me through...