Listening...

Last week, I was eating lunch with the kids and we were discussing the fact that I only have three more years of homeschooling left. Beth asked me what I planned on doing when I was finished and I said I didn't know; I would leave it in God's hands when the time came. She suggested I get a job. I told her that I doubted that I would do that; I would most likely do some type of volunteer work depending on my situation at the time. She then suggested that she thought I would make a good counselor. She said I'm always such a good listener and have good advice. What a compliment from my darlin' daughter!! She said that people are always telling me things....

On this past Friday night, Mark and I went to the Annual Archbishop's Dinner. When Will went into our major seminary here several years ago, we thought it would be nice to make a sizable donation every year. It helped me feel as if we were contributing to his education. The amount was large enough that we became members of the Bishop Fenwick Society and this dinner is for its members. We've kept up our yearly donation even though Will isn't in seminary any more... we like the thought of helping educate the young men of our archdiocese who are studying for the priesthood.
So we went to this dinner for the first time this year even though we really don't know anyone there very well. We were seated at a table with three other couples all around our age or a few years younger. The woman next to me was very friendly and we started talking immediately. Over the course of the next two hours she told me various stories about her life that were very personal and I was amazed that she felt so comfortable doing it. I found myself thinking about what Beth had said and wondered if maybe that would be a possibility some day. I was also reminded of a conversation I had with a dear friend who always says I'm easy to talk to. This person has confided in me about things that they said they have never told anyone else.
So this has me thinking a bit and perhaps we'll see what happens when those days of homeschooling are over. I'm open to wherever He leads me....

My heart has been so heavy still and I must admit that this morning I was feeling a bit cranky. But things have improved as the day has gone on. We're having a very large graduation party for Beth next Sunday and I have all of the work involved with that on my mind and I must admit I will be relieved when the preparations are over.
I know part of my depression is grieving about a relationship that is dear to my heart where I feel the person is upset with me, though they won't admit it, because of something I told them several months ago that I felt the dear Lord putting on my heart to tell them and they really didn't like hearing it. I'm missing how close we were this past year up to that time, and my heart is grieving. I keep trying to offer up the pain for this person because I do love them with a mother's heart, but I sometimes wish that God would just take away the love so that the pain would go away too. But a mother's heart isn't like that, I know...

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Memorial Day.....may you be ever mindful of His endless love....

A First Mass

I cried at Mass again today, but this time for a good reason. A young man from our parish was ordained to the priesthood Saturday and he said his first Mass today. It was beautiful....
I cried when he walked up to the altar at the beginning in his beautiful new vestments and kissed the altar.
I cried when he pronounced the words of Consecration for the first time and thought about how wonderful that must feel.
After Communion, he took a few moments to speak to us and then he pulled out a cloth. He told us that the after his ordination Mass, he took this cloth and wiped the chrism from his hands that the archbishop had anointed him with. He then proceeded to give this cloth to his mother, saying how instrumental she had been in raising him in the faith, and how supportive she had been of his vocation to the priesthood. Then he pulled out a stole and said that he was going to wear it the first time he heard Confessions and that afterwards, he was going to give it to his father because he had taught him about mercy and forgiveness, and he had always given him good counsel. That had lots of people tearing up...including me again, of course. What a blessing it would be to have a son as a priest.

I remembered him as a young awkward man and today he seemed poised and confident. It has been a joy to watch him grow into the priesthood. He has been in my prayers these last few years of seminary and he will remain in my prayers as a priest.

The rest of the day has been busy with church home which was very pleasant. Everyone stayed for dinner and we had too much good food....makes it hard to lose weight on these occasions.

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Sunday.....

Busy Saturday

It's so nice having Mark home for three days. It really does help me to have him home. My heart is still heavy, but just by being here, he helps me to be able to get moving and keep moving somehow. Today we had to do a mailing for Presentation Ministries and we're getting ready for churchhome at our house tomorrow, including a dinner. So Beth and I are going grocery shopping, the boys are doing some cleaning, and Mark is working outside. We're hoping to go out for dinner tonight with friends which would be nice....we haven't done that in ages.
Hopefully, I can write more later or tomorrow.

A blessed Saturday to all....may your day be filled with His loving presence....

Battling the Blues

As I wrote yesterday, I am battling the blues again.
It seems to come up on me every year at this time and usually lasts for several months. I haven't figured out why. It makes no sense. I love the springtime and am tired of winter, so you would think I should be happy. School is winding down to our summer pace and yet this heaviness of heart weighs me down at every turn. I am usually at my best in the evening when Mark is home, but the mornings and afternoons are awful. I have to force myself to do everything.
I haven't been writing because I've been in this funk, but then I thought that perhaps writing about it would help me and hardly anyone reads this any more, so I won't be dragging too many others with me.
I do miss those old Xanga days....
Everyone is on Facebook, but it's just not the same.
It's amazing how every time I feel like this, I cry at every little thing. Drives me crazy...
On Monday, I thought that Will would be coming on Tuesday to teach Michael bass and John, piano, so I went out and spent part of the afternoon shopping for his birthday present. I was really happy about being able to give it to him so close to his birthday because I rarely get to see him on his actual birthday or anywhere close to it. Tuesday afternoon I dug out the boxes and the wrapping paper and had them all ready. Then he called to tell me he couldn't come. It took everything in me not to cry while I was talking to him. Silly, I know. I still haven't seen him and the presents are waiting on our dining room buffet where I don't have to look at them much....
Three weeks ago, one of the men from our parish died suddenly from a heart attack (he was out playing golf). I have known him and his family since I was a little girl (we belong to the parish I grew up in) and the boys and I went to his funeral. It was packed and I never had a chance to talk to his wife because there were so many people there. She's a real sweetheart....
Anyway, last Sunday at Mass, she was in the pew ahead of ours and when she turned around for the sign of peace, I saw her face and the grief in her eyes just overwhelmed me. I stood there silently crying in church. The memory of it is bringing tears to my eyes now....I know that this was a legitimate reason to cry, but I really wish I could have not stood there with tears running down my face at Mass.
I hate when I can't stop the tears...

I am thankful that I do have moments when I feel happy. Last night was the homeschool graduation and even though we don't have anyone graduating, we usually go. We know most of the people there and it's always a good chance to talk and socialize afterwards also. The Mass was beautiful.....they had a choir from one of the local parishes sing and they were wonderful. The closing song was the Hallelujah Chorus and it was awesome...
Our friend Paul gave the commencement speech and did an excellent job and everyone was telling him that he should have given the address at Notre Dame instead of Obama...hehe...
So for a few hours, my heart was lifted and I was happy and I am grateful for those reprieves.
I know that this too shall pass and so I'm finding myself trying to offer it up at every turn and pray that it will do some good, somewhere.
I know I need to get back to my spiritual reading. I have been caught up in reading too much depressing news about our world and other things and I haven't spent enough time reading things to nurture my soul. So I need to get back to that. I know it does me good.

Thanks for reading....a blessed Friday to all....

Living in my Car

Yesterday, it felt as if I spent most of my day in the car.
I was up early and did a few things around here. The boys and I headed to noon Mass and afterwards Michael went to a friend's house for some schoolwork and John and I met Beth for lunch at Chipotles. After that, I went to my aunt's to pay her bills. When I arrived there, I discovered that she was almost out of food in her house. I always have to probe for this because she doesn't want to "bother" me. All she had left was a box of cereal and a little milk. Drives me crazy when she does this....
So she wrote up a list for me and I went to the grocery store for her. I stayed and chatted with her for a while because I know how lonely she is.
Next it was off to the post office to mail her checks. Then I had to pick up Michael from his friend's house and drop off some of his other friends at their homes. We went back for about 25 minutes and then I took Michael to get something to eat and drove him to driver's ed. Yes, my Michael is now driving. I went back home for about 15 minutes and then I went to get my hair cut. I was home about 20 minutes and then Mark and I took John to the youth group's music practice. Mark and I went out for a nice dinner (our first out together in ages). We were just paying our bill when John called to be picked up. We went back to pick him up and then we drove over to Michael's driver's ed class and picked him up. We arrived home in time for Mark and I to take a walk just before it grew dark...it had been a beautiful day here (and is again today). Afterwards, we came home and watched the rest of the Reds game and then off to bed.
I was so busy that the only time I had to call Will for his birthday (he turned 27 yesterday) was when I was in the car between dropping off Michael at driver's ed and going to my hair appointment.
Today promises to be just as crazy....
And through this all I am battling my early summer blues that I have been getting every year for the last 3 or 4 years and I don't know why...

A blessed day to all of you.....

Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee...

We had our 40 Hours retreat last weekend and the theme was Pope Benedict's encyclical "On Christian Hope". It is much easier to read than I expected and even though I haven't read through the whole thing yet, there were several things in it that caught my attention.
Lately, I have been thinking about death a lot. I look at my very elderly parents and I know my mother is tired of living....she's tired of feeling bad all the time. She rarely complains, but I can see it in her eyes. Yesterday, we talked about it and I was saying to her that death doesn't hold the fear to me it used to have. If I found out today I was dying the only thing I would really feel bad about would be the impact it would have on Mark, my children, and my parents. I have hope that I will be going to a better life with a delay in purgatory. (I always tease my kids that they need to pray me out of purgatory when I die since they're one of the main reasons I'll have to spend a lot of time there...hehe....)
Pope Benedict quotes St. Ambrose in his encyclical:
"Death was not a part of nature; it became part of nature. God did not decree death from the beginning; he prescribed it as a remedy. Human life, because of sin.....began to experience the burden of wretchedness in unremitting labor and unbearable sorrow. There had to be a limit to its evils; death had to restore what life had forfeited. Without the assistance of grace, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing."
Our Holy Father writes:
"Perhaps many people reject the faith today simply because they do not find the prospect of eternal life attractive. What they desire is not eternal life at all, but this present life, for which faith in eternal life seems something of an impediment. To continue living forever-endlessly- appears more like a curse than a gift. Death, admittedly, one would wish to postpone for as long as possible. But to live always, without end- this, all things considered, can only be monotonous and ultimately unbearable."

The older I get, the more easily I can understand those feelings that to live forever on earth would be a curse. We can never reach here what our hearts ultimately long for. Lately, when I'm praying sometimes, I feel this great urge to be hugged by our Lord. I know it may sound crazy, but I feel this longing well up in me, and nothing can soothe it. I simply have to wait for it to go away...

Recently, I was at a graduation party for one of Beth's friends and a lot of the young adults I know were there. They were talking and singing and joking around, drinking a few beers, and planning on staying up late...something that a lot of them seem to do lately. Sometimes all night....and I was watching them wondering why they felt that need to stay up all night and it hit me that they were searching for something....some fulfillment in each other's company. Their hearts are searching and they think that, for now, this is the answer to their loneliness. I know that they have to feel unfulfilled by it, yet some of them keep trying to fill up that emptiness with the partying.
Beth hasn't ever really gotten into the all-night parties, though she does occasionally stay out until 2 AM or so, but she said to me recently how empty it is all getting; how she's tired of the partying; she's ready to grow up and move on with her life. But some of these young adults are in their late 20's, and they still don't seem to realize that their lives are meant to be more than the "good time".

I'm rambling on here and I need to get the boys going; dentist appointments this morning (yuck!).
Please forgive me for my boring musings....

A blessed day to all.....

Graduation Day!!!

Today is Beth's graduation day!!! These last four years have flown past so quickly....my baby is all grown up.

It's going to be a bit crazy today. I have a bridal shower at noon, Beth's graduation at 3, and a graduation party tonight for Beth's best friend, Alicia, who is graduating with her today. A happy, but busy day!

Tomorrow is a Mother's Day party at my brother's house.

I hope all of you have a blessed, peaceful weekend....

Something I forgot to add to last night's post....
That friend of Beth's birthmother who contacted me last year after googling my name and getting my email address off a Caring Bridge site I had left a message on, is bugging me again. Obviously she didn't get the message last year that the decision to have a relationship with her birthmother is Beth's choice and that trying to guilt-trip us is counterproductive.
She sent me an email on Sunday morning and wanted to come visit us either Sunday afternoon or this coming weekend. (She lives a 2 hour drive away from us.) She wants to talk to Mark and me. Last year, she kept trying to tell me how healing it would be for Beth's birthmother and all of her family and friends if Beth would just reach out to her. She also tried to impress me with her own personal credentials. This woman is a lawyer and she sent me a link to her business website; she also sent me a link to some website that showed she had won some honors; and then she also sent me pictures of herself, her husband, and her two sons on their Caribbean Christmas vacation. She doesn't realize that made no great impression on me or Beth. I tried to explain to her in a charitable way then, our feelings and Beth's feelings, but she doesn't seem to get it.
It actually all has the exact opposite effect. It makes Beth even more nervous about the thought of a relationship with any of these people. Who wants to feel that they're in charge of a whole group of strangers' healing? She's afraid that it would be an awkward, demanding, complicated relationship and she really doesn't want that now.
I do write to Beth's birthmother; I do send pictures. She knows where Beth has gone to college; where we live; I sent her a link to the college soccer website so that she could keep up with Beth's team and personal accomplishments. She can see that she's happy and well. Maybe someday Beth will want a relationship with her, but I think it has to be Beth's choice and I'm not going to try to push her into it, and I really don't appreciate this woman trying to push me to do so.
So I guess I'm going to have to be more forceful in my reply this time. I've waited several days to reply to give myself time to calm down, but I realize that some people just don't seem to want to take no for an answer. She thinks that her feelings are more important than Beth's. She wrote that she will respect my decision but obviously she doesn't because she told me the same thing the last time she wrote, and here she is writing again.
So please say a prayer for me that I do this well.....

A blessed day to you all....

Yes, I am Alive

have been so bad about updating lately. It gets worse the longer it goes because there's so much to write about that I don't know where to begin.
So I'll just go back to late last week. Will's sister, Liz, was married Friday night and many of us helped in food preparation for the reception. I went shopping Thursday for about a million grapes and strawberries, well maybe not a million, but it sure seemed like it when I was washing all of them Friday morning...
Thursday evening I went to a fellow homeschooler's home to make sandwiches. We had a lot of fun talking and working.
Friday morning dawned gray and rainy.... We went to the reception hall with the food we had at our house and helped with getting things ready there. Lots of excitement in the air! The boys and I went out for lunch and after we arrived home, it dawned on me that the boys had not worn their suits in several months and I should check to see how they fit. So four hours before we were scheduled to leave the house for the wedding, I discover that both boys were in desperate need of a new suit. Their sleeves were too short and John's pants were too short and tight. I would have laughed to see it if I hadn't been in a panic. I called Beth and she met me at Kohl's and we spent a lively 45 minutes finding new suits, shirts, and ties. We rushed home so that I could wash and iron the shirts, then Beth and I spent time getting ready.
The rain stopped but it was still gloomy, however it was a beautiful wedding. The bride was radiant and the groom was beaming....
We had a great time because so many of our friends were there. I also was able to meet some of Will's aunts who live in different parts of the country and his grandmother who lives in NJ near Philadelphia. What a lovely, wise woman! After the reception, we cleaned up and during this time, I had the opportunity to spend at least 15 minutes in discussion with her which I enjoyed immensely. We, however, did not get to bed until almost 3 AM.
Saturday morning we had bookpacking at the ministry center and Saturday evening was the homeschool prom. Beth and Steve were the DJs and Mark and I were chaperones. The boys were all handsome in their suits again and they had a wonderful time. Afterwards we had to clean up again and we didn't get to bed until after 2.
I was exhausted.
Sunday morning, Mark woke up with a migraine which made him sick to his stomach, so I took the boys to church alone.
Sunday afternoon found us at churchhome while poor Mark stayed home. We were all ready to get to bed early after that weekend!
Monday started early and I dragged around all day. It also brought sad news....the death of a fellow homeschooling mom from cancer....the mother of 5, ages 2 - 17; it also brought news that the father of a friend I've known since childhood, died suddenly from a heart attack.
However, life always conquers over death. Today, our friends, Paul and Denise became grandparents for the first time with the birth of Isabella Rose. Steve is now an uncle too...
Joy mixed with sorrow...
Birth, marriage, death....

I know I'm probably leaving out a lot, but that's the basics.

A blessed, peaceful night to all....