Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Blessed Christmas

It is almost here...that blessed day.
I have been so happy the last two months or's been awesome. I don't why or what has been different but the Lord has blessed me with joy and contentment. I think it's one reason why I haven't written much...perhaps I was afraid that if I wrote about it, it would suddenly vanish. I did get a bit sad when Beth moved out but it wasn't that heaviness of heart and depression that I've experienced so frequently in the last five years.
Strangely enough it ended this past heaviness of heart has returned. It always makes me turn to our dear Lord more so perhaps He is calling me closer this week before we celebrate His birth. It hasn't been terrible at least and perhaps it is because I have learned that it will pass...that it does not go on is just a phase. I have been offering it up...perhaps someone dear to my heart needs my prayers and I don't even know it. Perhaps there is someone out there that I don't even know that needs me to offer this up. Only He knows...
Today has been the first day that I started to feel a little panic about having everything ready but it subsided rapidly. It's a shame that we don't appreciate how carefree these blessed days are when we are young and can just enjoy. I think back to the joy and carefreeness of Christmas when I was a child and keep reminding myself that I am trying to give that magic to my children.
I do miss having a little one in the house at this time of's always a pleasure to see the wonder of it all in their eyes. Perhaps in a few years, we will be blessed with a grandchild to share it with...won't that be a joy!
The family is coming to my house on Christmas Day this year....right now the count is at 32. We roasted the turkeys already and have the meat and gravy in the fridge all ready to reheat on the big day. Everyone is bringing something so I'm hopeful that the day won't be too stressful, but I know I will be tired when it is over. I'm looking forward to some relaxing days this weekend and next week before I have to start up school again. I am taking Michael out of his high school co-op and am going back to planning his schooldays myself. We've gotten behind on his math and there are several things I would like to focus on to help get him ready for the SAT. I do wish he had some idea what he wants to do after high 17 months he will be finished and I know it will be here in a wink of an babies are growing up so quickly!
A blessed Christmas to all of you....may you feel that magic that the day came bring but even more, may you feel the blessed peace and joy that only He can bring.

Monday, November 23, 2009

I have found the most difficult part of the day when trying to adjust to the fact of one of my babies leaving the nest is bedtime.... when she doesn't come home and we turn out the lights and I come upstairs and she's not in her room...
I guess it will just take a little time to get used to....

A blessed, peaceful night to you all and to me darlin' daughter....

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Busy Month

My life has been a bit hectic lately....
Also my laptop died and I didn't get much computer time for a few weeks but that was a good thing actually. I weaned myself from my addiction....hehe....
I've been doing great with the boys' schoolwork and I've gotten some Christmas shopping finished. Doctor visits have been keeping me busy between my parents, my aunt, and my boys. Last Tuesday we took Michael up to Children's for an orthopedic visit and we found out that not only does he have scoliosis, but he also has kyphosis which means he has a slight case of being hunchbacked. Since he's probably finished growing the doctor says there's a good chance that it won't get any worse now but it's still possible, so he has to be checked every six months. He also is going to start physical therapy to strengthen his back. They also found that his left leg is shorter than his right leg so he needs a shoe lift.
I'm hoping and praying that it won't get worse because the surgery for it is nasty.

My sister-in-law's mother died last week so on Thursday and Friday Mark and I and my youngest brother went to Chicago for the funeral which felt like a whirlwind two days.

My dad's ex-wife died two weeks ago and so now my parents are going to look into seeing if they can be married in the Church. This would be awesome and I'm praying that it is possible. Any prayers you could send their way would be greatly appreciated. My dad is not Catholic but my mom is, and she has been away from the sacraments for 57 years, though she has always gone to Sunday Mass and has raised all of us in the faith. That my mother could someday come back to the sacraments has been my prayer for a long time...

My darlin' daughter closed on her condo last Monday and has gradually been moving in, having her furniture delivered, her security system installed, and such. Last night we went out to dinner for her birthday after I sang my first solo cantoring at the Vigil Mass, (boy was I nervous!) and then she came home and took some of her clothes and left to spend her first night in her condo. I was trying not to cry and thought I was doing a good job, and after she went out the door, the tears came. I hadn't fooled her however, and she came back in and gave me a hug and we cried together.
Mark and I watched her drive off, and even though she is only five minutes away, we both felt the pain of the loss. I kept thinking about how we waited almost 9 years for her to come into our lives; how she had been the answer to our prayers for a baby and I couldn't believe how quickly those years have gone....
She had to work a 12 hour shift today so we haven't seen her and it's so strange to think that she won't be coming home tonight. How difficult it is to let them go.... my mother's heart is aching a bit tonight...

However, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this week....I absolutely love this holiday.... and she will be at Thanksgiving dinner with us and I know that I will get used to this stage in my life. I am so thankful that she is nearby and I know that we will still see her often.

A blessed peaceful week to all....

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A New Phase of Life

Beth received the closing date on her condo Friday and I realize that in just a few weeks she will be leaving home. I laid awake in bed the other night and realized that I am living the last few weeks when all of my children will be sleeping under our roof together....a thought that brings tears to my eyes but also that little joy that I have managed to raise a responsible young lady who is ready to move out into the world.
Another phase of my life is about to begin....

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Sunday.....

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Life has been crazy....

I finally have a few minutes at home alone in which I can write.
Mark and Beth are at work, Michael is at co-op, and John is at the grocery store with my dad.
The last nine days have been a bit crazy.....
Last Monday, it started with my aunt calling me nice and early in the morning and she was crying. She's 88 years old, widowed for almost 30 years, and lives alone. Her only child, her son, died of a pulmonary embolism when he was only 37, so she just has three granddaughters, all in their 20's. She calls me every week and I always ask if she needs anything because she's pretty well homebound now. She told me that she was low on groceries so I told her I would come in the afternoon and go shopping for her. I did my normal morning routine, the boys and I went to noon Mass, home for lunch, and then John and I went to my aunt's. She started crying again when I got there. She tells me that her oldest granddaughter is pregnant (not married). My aunt, of course, is upset about that plus the fact that her granddaughter must have told her that she won't be able to help her much any more. This granddaughter would come once a week and take her to the store or the bank, but now she probably won't be doing this. Her other granddaughters rarely come to see her at all, so of course she is worried about what is going to happen to her. So I tell her that I will help her out. This means, of course, that I will have to go over there at least once a week, if not more. It wouldn't be so bad except that I have my own parents becoming increasingly dependent on me for help. I'm the only one of my siblings that doesn't have an outside job, and all the spouses have jobs too, so everything falls on me during the week. Last week, I was there everyday for at least an hour, usually more and it is so difficult when I'm trying to homeschool the boys and keep up with everything else.

Wednesday morning Mom had a doctor appointment and had to have blood tests done at the hospital so we were up early and didn't get home until after 1 PM. In the afternoon, Mark took Michael to the doctor because he has been complaining about his back and we found out he probably has scoliosis. I felt terrible because I hadn't noticed. It seems that his left shoulder is lower than his right shoulder which is a symptom and I've just been grumbling at him to stand up straight because I thought it was just bad posture. The doctor they recommended he see doesn't have an open appointment until February so now I need to see if I can find a different doctor who can see him sooner. I cried a few tears over that situation, feeling that I should have figured that out a long time ago and wondering if it will be too late to help it.
Thursday was a nice, normal crazy school day. I was behind because of my busy days on Monday and Wednesday, so I rushed around all day. Mark and I actually went to the grocery store at 10:30 PM and 11:45 found us putting the last of the groceries away.
Friday morning I was all ready to do my exercise routine when the phone rang and it's my mother. My dad had been up with a stomach bug all night and was now appearing to be dehydrated. We're told to take him to the hospital so off we went. I had rushed out of the house with no breakfast and without taking my shower so it made for a long morning of sitting in the emergency room. My mom also had left without breakfast and taking her morning medications so she was worried about that and Dad. We were also surrounded by people who were there because they had the flu and H1N1 is in full force around here.
I offered to go home and get Mom's medicine but she didn't want me to leave because she was afraid they would tell her something and she wouldn't remember. (She has been struggling with dementia for about two years now). So I started calling my brothers to see if anyone can leave work for an hour to get Mom's medicine and give us a chance to get something to eat. I finally got in touch with my brother Steve who was able to get the meds and stay with Dad for 20 minutes while Mom and I got lunch in the hospital's cafeteria. Thank the dear Lord for cell phones! I don't know what I would have done without it. Around 5 o'clock, my brother Chuck and my sister came to relieve me after they got home from work. By this time, they had decided to admit my dad and had moved him to a room. Mom and I were exhausted by this point. Eight hours in the emergency room is no fun. I took her home and then went home to get dinner for us. After dinner, we took John to my mom's so that he could spend the night with her, bless his sweet heart!
On Saturday, Beth and I took Mom up to the hospital in the morning and they decided to keep Dad another day. Thankfully, my siblings took over for the rest of the weekend. I am so thankful to have siblings; I can't imagine being an only child in these situations. Saturday evening Beth and Michael went out with friends and John went to stay with my mom again, so Mark and I had an opportunity to go out for dinner alone and we took advantage of it...very nice indeed.
Despite the fact that my week was so hectic, I still was able to find His peace in it all. None of my days went as I had planned but each time I just kept remembering that it is all in His hands. On Wednesday and Friday I wasn't able to get to daily Mass as I usually do but on both days, I found myself looking at the clock at noon when I would normally be at Mass, and His peace just flooded over me. I felt His comfort that I was where I was supposed to be....
God is good indeed, always.
A blessed Tuesday to all....

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Thank You St. Bernard....

I was reading an article about miscarriage on another blog which included the words that St. Bernard of Clairvaux said to someone who was suffering after miscarriage, wondering about the eternal salvation of her child. Here are his words:
St. Bernard said, “Your faith spoke for this child. Baptism for this child was only delayed by time. Your faith suffices. The waters of your womb — were they not the waters of life for this child? Look at your tears. Are they not like the waters of baptism? Do not fear this. God’s ability to love is greater than our fears. Surrender everything to God.”

Several years ago I had written on my blog about hoping that my only biological child who died before birth, was in heaven. A young man who sometimes read my blog, wrote to tell me that my baby was definitely in hell because he hadn't been baptized. Others wrote to give me hope, but he kept writing back insisting otherwise and his words were so wounding. This young man is now in seminary and I surely hope that while there, he learns something about pastoral care and is not so harsh with some poor mother in the future who has suffered the loss of her baby before birth.
Thank you St. Bernard....

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all.....

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Gift of Being a Nurse

Me darlin' daughter saved her patient's life today...a tiny 4 month old baby. The wonder of it was all over her face when she came home tonight.
What a wondrous gift from God....

Friday, September 25, 2009

Going on Retreat

Life is stressful lately.
Mark and I are going on a mini retreat this weekend, leaving late this afternoon. I was really looking forward to it but now there has been some drama going on with some of the people going and I'm wondering how restful it will be. Doesn't it just figure? Poor Mark is stuck in the middle of it all....long story involved. (Mark is not the one causing the drama...not his style at all). Because he is one of the directors in the ministry we're involved in, he has to be a mediator at times....a job I don't envy.
The devil is definitely attacking. He seems to be doing a lot of that recently.
The retreat lasts until Sunday but Mark and I are only staying until Saturday evening because tomorrow is my darlin' Johnny's 16th birthday and we want to be able to take him out for his birthday dinner.
I'm looking forward to some good Adoration time....

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all....

Monday, September 21, 2009

Liz's Wedding

We went to another beautiful wedding on Saturday.
One of Beth's friends got married and Beth was a bridesmaid. They had a beautiful wedding and a very casual reception.
Mark's sister, Kathy, had offered to do the flowers for the wedding because she found out that the couple had very limited funds for their wedding and she has worked for a florist. Beth's friend bought the flowers at Kroger and Kathy made the bouquets, corsages, and such. Poor Kathy got up Friday morning with a migraine and felt terrible. Mark's older sister, Terri, came over after she finished teaching school, and helped her for a while. All together, they spent about 5 hours working on the flowers and they were beautiful....
Beth and her friends picked them up and took them to the bride's house.
Saturday morning, Liz (the bride) called Beth and said that her refrigerator had been too cold and almost all of the flowers were ruined! We were all sick about it, but didn't want to bother Kathy again since she had already put so much time into them, especially when she hadn't felt well. So three hours before the wedding was about to begin, two of the other bridesmaids went out and bought more flowers and then we took the old ones apart to see how they were done, and to reuse the greens and beads that were still good.
Beth and I spent a half hour constructing a new bouquet for the bride....something that neither one of us had ever dreamed we would ever do! It wasn't quite as pretty as the original, but we were amazed that it looked as well as it did and Liz was quite happy with it.
Beth did the bride's hair and makeup and she was beautiful....of course, me darlin' daughter looked beautiful too!
I, of course, got all teary-eyed as I watched the bride come down the aisle and thought that in the not-too-distant future, I will probably be watching my own beautiful daughter walking down the aisle on the arm of her father....

Life goes by so quickly...
A blessed, peaceful Monday to all.....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I went to confession last week and the priest told me that he felt I had made a very good confession which was wonderful, of course, and now I feel as if the old devil didn't like it one bit and he's attacking big time. Some times I get so weary of the battle. I know I have to keep going but when I struggle with not feeling very energetic, the battle seems even harder.
Mother Mary, please pray for me, your child....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Happy Birthday Dear Blessed Mother!

This day has not started out well at all.
It's Michael's first day of co-op for the year and every stupid little thing that could go wrong this morning did.
Now all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day but of course, that can't happen.
I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me because all I want to do lately is NOTHING! I have no energy, no ambition, no drive.

Today I am also thinking of our Jack (our nephew who died from brain cancer three years ago)....he would have been 12 years old today on this the birthday of our dear Blessed Mother. We spent Labor Day with Mark's family and the pain is still there so strongly in Jay's voice and eyes. Difficult to see indeed. Losing a child is one of life's hardest heartaches I believe.

A blessed Tuesday to all....

Monday, August 31, 2009

Someone dear to me has been heavy on my heart for the last 12 hours or so. That happens to me sometimes with this person and I don't why, but when it does I always pray extra for them. I kept waking up through the night and thinking about them and saying little prayers until I drifted off to sleep again. I was also praying for the sister of one of
Beth's friends. She is an ICU nurse at another hospital here and is very sick with a bad case of pneumonia. Yesterday they took her to the hospital because even after taking tylenol, her temperature was still 104. Pretty scary.
She's 24 years old and I can't help thinking about the fact that their whole family was in Mexico a few weeks ago for a wedding and wondering if it's more than pneumonia.
A brother and sister (ages 19 and 26) who lived about 20 miles away from us both died of the swine flu last month. They were their parents' only children and it just grieved my heart to see the pictures of their parents and see the pain in the mother's eyes. The thought of losing all of my children is such a horrendous one...

So I will keep praying this day and hope that the heaviness eases but if not, then I will just keep offering that too.

It's a beautiful morning feels like fall....and I am enjoying the sunshine. Even with this heaviness of heart I feel His quiet joy.

A blessed, peaceful Monday to all of you.....

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm tired tonight but a good kind of tired....the kind that comes when you feel like you really helped someone and made a difference in their life for a day.
Mark, the boys, and I spent the day helping Will's dad move from his house to an apartment. Only Will's youngest brother is still at home, so the house was getting to be too much and an apartment just fits their lifestyle better. Will was actually moving from an apartment to a rented house today also and couldn't help his dad so we volunteered. There were just his dad, his brother, another young man we know and us. The guys carried everything out and packed up the moving van and I packed up the kitchen, which hadn't been finished yet. We drove to the new place and started unloading. Fortunately, a few more friends arrived to help unload...especially since the guys were already tired and everything had to be carried up a flight of stairs. Two of the friends were a couple that Will's dad knows and the wife and I spent the next couple hours setting up the new kitchen. It was made easier by the fact that I had just packed everything up and knew what he had and where it was. We hit it off right away...she and her husband have five children, three of whom are adopted, and we talked about some of our experiences and had fun deciding where to put things. We changed our minds a few times and moved things around and knew perfectly well that Will's dad wouldn't care where we put things...he's so easily pleased!
We also spent time deciding how to arrange the furniture which can be a challenge when you're going from a 5 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment! But we did it and his dad was just so grateful to have so much in order so quickly.
Of course, they still have lots of boxes to unpack but the basics were all in place so the rest can be finished gradually.
All in all, it was a good day....
Tomorrow, we get the pleasure of celebrating my brother's 50th birthday with family and I know I will enjoy that.

I hope that all of you have a blessed, joyful Sunday filled with His peace.....

Friday, August 21, 2009

Life has been crazy and I'm still struggling to blog. I've spent the last week getting things together for school and writing my notification letter to the school district and all that lovely stuff. Throw in a baby shower for my niece, a graduation party for my nephew, hosting a bridal shower for Beth's friend, church home, hosting a birthday party for my Dad's 89th birthday, and all my usual things and all I want to do is sit and do something a bit mindless when I get the chance.
Tomorrow we are having a workday at my parents' house. My dad has really slowed down this summer and it's making us all feel a bit sad to watch. He has been wanting one of my boys to go to the grocery store with him these last few weeks and he rarely comes to the farm to work in the garden any more. That's our clue that it is really getting bad because gardening has always been his favorite pasttime.

The Lord has been doing some pruning in my life these last few months.....He's doing things that make me lean more on Him. He always knows what's best...

A blessed peaceful weekend to you all.....

Friday, August 7, 2009

Changes coming

I feel life changes coming....
This week Mark and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. Today is the anniversary of when I lost our baby 28 years ago...I cried a few tears thinking about our Anthony today. When we were on vacation, we went to see the movie "Up" and I cried at the beginning when he and his wife are getting ready for a new baby and then you see them in the doctor's office and she is sitting in the chair with her face in her hands crying and instantly, I was back in that doctor's office 28 years ago, reliving those painful moments of grief and sorrow. Tears ran down my face...I couldn't believe how quickly those feelings came back. I could feel her anguish and remember my own.

But today is also the 22nd anniversary of the our final adoption hearing for Beth and the 17th anniversary of when we brought our Michael home. God is good, indeed, to have given me reasons to rejoice on this day.

However, changes are coming. Every night when we sit down to dinner, I think about the fact that in a few short months, I will no longer have all of my children living at home with me. Where did those years go? Last night at dinner, we were talking about all the books I read to the kids over the years. Every night before I put them to bed, I would read a book to the boys and then I would read to Beth. I remembered books they had forgotten and they remembered books I had forgotten. It was funny to listen to all of their reactions now to those stories. I'm so glad that I did that...what wonderful memories.

On Wednesday, Michael passed his driver's test and on Wednesday evening, for the first time, I watched him drive off alone to a friend's house. More changes...

My babies are growing up and I am about to begin a new stage of my life.

A blessed peaceful weekend to you all....

Monday, July 27, 2009

Happy Birthday Michael!!!!

Happy Birthday to me darlin' Michael!!!!!
He's 17 and I can't believe it....
He's away on a fishing trip to Arkansas with my brother Steve, and two of my nephews. They're having a memorial fishing tournament down there this week for my oldest brother David, who died 19 months ago. Mark and I couldn't go because we're working at Presentation's Bible Institute here this week, but Michael was excited to get to go.
I'm missing him, especially today.
A very busy week going on here.

A blessed peaceful night to all....

Friday, July 24, 2009

I have not blogged in a month...the longest break ever in the four and a half years I've been writing. Now there's so much to write but I can't do it all at once.
I started with bronchitis on July 1 and I haven't felt that well since. Slowly, day by day, things get better but it's slow. I'm not contagious but it just has worn me down. I get tired easily.
My daughter passed her nursing boards and starts her new job at Children's Hospital in the ICU on August 19th. Very exciting!
She signed the papers to buy a brand-new beautiful condo about two miles from our house yesterday. I sat there watching her signing paper after paper and I knew the next stage of my life is soon to begin. She won't be moving out until November or so, but I realize it will be here before I know it. I am happy for her and a little sad for me. I had hoped that she would stay at home until she got married but that is probably at least another 15 months or more away and she is so anxious to start her adult life. It is a very nice condo...1700 square feet with two bedrooms, two full baths, a study, living room, dining room, kitchen, and laundry room. ...bigger than our first house!
I'm bound to cry on moving day when I look at her empty room.
Michael and John are thrilled because now they will each have their own room.
I am struggling through a dry time in my spiritual life when prayer is sometimes difficult and I feel so discouraged about so many situations in my life.
But He is there.
With His quiet presence.

A blessed peaceful night to all....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

God is Good, Always...

Thank you for all of your prayers....I appreciate them so much.

I went for my diagnostic mammogram yesterday and I must admit I was a bit nervous but basically calm.
Sunday night as I said my evening prayers and rosary, I was thinking a bit about what it would be like if the news was bad and I found myself thinking about all of the people and situations I could offer up my suffering for if that was part of our dear Lord's plan for my life.
It really was helpful to think of all those dear people.

I had to wait a bit but when they took me back, the young lady who was doing my procedure showed me the spot they were concerned about on my first mammogram last week. I could see it. She showed me where it would be on myself and I definitely couldn't feel it. She did two more different images and then took me to a room to wait. Several minutes later she came back and said that the doctor wanted another image. That made me feel a bit more nervous. So we went back and did another.
She took me back to that waiting room and left me there for what seemed like forever, but was actually only 5 minutes or so. During this time I prepared myself to hear that I needed a biopsy. I kept praying for strength.When she came back, she didn't look me in the face but told me the doctor wanted to talk to me.
However, when I went back he showed me all of the views and explained everything and then told me that he was 99.9% sure that it wasn't cancer. Huge sigh of relief from me...
He does want me to go back in 6 months and have another one done just to be on the very cautious side. This had been my first mammogram so he has nothing to compare it to and this way he will be sure. He also showed me where to check for it but he said it's too small for me to probably feel right now.

I had an interesting week for sure. It made me look at my own mortality. I guess I think of myself as having 20 or 30 years left and it made me think about the possibility that I could only have a few, though in reality none of us knows the hour or moment....
I am grateful for this temporary reprieve.
God is good, always.

A blessed day to all ......

Saturday, June 20, 2009


I've been trying to offer up the waiting....
We've been really busy which helps. Last night we went to the Reds' game. It was stinkin' hot but we still had a good time. They won plus they had a great fireworks show afterwards.
Today and tomorrow we are on the go nearly nonstop...which can be good and bad. Today we have a leadership training seminar to go to all day (which I have to provide the lunch for everyone) and this evening we have a graduation party. Tomorrow we have a baptism to attend with a party afterwards and a Father's Day party in the evening at my brother's for my dad. At least I won't have a lot of time to think about it.
Thank you again for the prayers....I know they're helping to keep me calm.

A blessed weekend to all.....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Vacation Memories

I really seem to have lost my heart for blogging these last few months. I want to get back to it because I so much enjoy being able to go back and read my life these last four years, but I struggle with forcing myself to write.
Our vacation was very nice, though too short as usual, and we arrived home safe and sound late Saturday night. I wish I would have blogged some of our days when we were there but I didn't, and so I'm going to write down things I want to remember about those days....
My sweetest memory will be sitting on the balcony with Mark saying our rosary every night. Listening to the ocean, watching the moon shine its awesome gleam on the ocean some nights, and watching lightning over the ocean other nights. One night, the moon came up blood red in color...very eerie....and right as we were finishing our rosary, the clouds started rolling in and then we were happy to run in the condo as a storm broke loose.
Our condo was on the 14th floor (actually the 13th floor) and I'm afraid of heights. They didn't have a lower floor available so I asked the dear Lord to take away my fear for the week and thankfully, He did. I wasn't afraid. I could stand on the balcony and look over the railing and I wasn't afraid. Absolutely amazing. In the past I wouldn't have even been able to go out on the balcony.
Other memories....
Mark, John, and I working on the puzzle we brought in the evenings...
All of us going to see UP and wearing our 3D glasses.
All of us going to see Star Trek and trying to figure it out afterwards.
Dancing on our chairs at Senor Frog on our last night....okay, Mark, Beth, and I danced on our chairs and the guys just sat there looking at us.
Going outlet shopping with Beth while the guys went trapshooting....I was so tired by the end of that afternoon!
Reading Les Miserables....I'm still trying to finish it up.
Walking on the beach in the morning with my darlin' husband.
Watching the fireworks at Barefoot Landing and Broadway on the Beach.
Laughing at Beth and Steve's antics and telling Steve that he better not complain after they're married because he KNOWS what he's getting himself into.
Laughing at Michael doing his "Magic Quest" jokes all week and wearing his nerdy 3D glasses.
Enjoying the fact that this year it wasn't bikers' week at the beach.
Going to Mass on Thursday with Mark and out to lunch together....alone...

Just spending time relaxing with all of them.....I know these days of family vacations are coming close to ending.
Beth is talking about moving out next year, and oh, my mother's heart will break a bit more that day. I keep hoping that she'll wait until they get married, but Steve needs a better-paying job and we're all praying for that. The economy is definitely not helping that situation. Beth's best friend from college became engaged over the weekend and I know that they're hoping it can happen soon for them too.

Other news....
On Monday I went for a mammogram. Yesterday I received a call that they want me to go back for more on my right. The nurse told me not to be scared, but there's the little nagging at my heart. I thought I was handling it well but then yesterday it hit me once how hard it would be to have something wrong, and I cried. Of course, they can't do the additional test until next Monday, so I have to wait when all I want is for it to be over with. I'm reminding myself of the people I know who've had to go back and it was nothing; and I'm also reminding myself of all the women I know who have been treated for breast cancer and are still with us, living their lives. They made it through though it wasn't a fun process.
I'm praying and putting my life in His hands and I'm praying for the strength to keep being able to put it in His hands, if you know what I mean. I know He knows what's best....I just would really like to be around at least long enough to finish homeschooling and raising me darlin' children...

It's been rainy and cloudy and gloomy ever since we arrived home and that doesn't help the mood....I sure could use some sunshine. They keep saying later today....I hope so!

A blessed peaceful Wednesday to all....

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Heading for the Beach

We're leaving for the beaches of South Carolina in the morning.....ahhhh.....vacation.....
I'm taking my laptop so hopefully I will have a chance to do some blogging while I'm there.
A blessed, peaceful Sunday to all.....

Monday, May 25, 2009


Last week, I was eating lunch with the kids and we were discussing the fact that I only have three more years of homeschooling left. Beth asked me what I planned on doing when I was finished and I said I didn't know; I would leave it in God's hands when the time came. She suggested I get a job. I told her that I doubted that I would do that; I would most likely do some type of volunteer work depending on my situation at the time. She then suggested that she thought I would make a good counselor. She said I'm always such a good listener and have good advice. What a compliment from my darlin' daughter!! She said that people are always telling me things....

On this past Friday night, Mark and I went to the Annual Archbishop's Dinner. When Will went into our major seminary here several years ago, we thought it would be nice to make a sizable donation every year. It helped me feel as if we were contributing to his education. The amount was large enough that we became members of the Bishop Fenwick Society and this dinner is for its members. We've kept up our yearly donation even though Will isn't in seminary any more... we like the thought of helping educate the young men of our archdiocese who are studying for the priesthood.
So we went to this dinner for the first time this year even though we really don't know anyone there very well. We were seated at a table with three other couples all around our age or a few years younger. The woman next to me was very friendly and we started talking immediately. Over the course of the next two hours she told me various stories about her life that were very personal and I was amazed that she felt so comfortable doing it. I found myself thinking about what Beth had said and wondered if maybe that would be a possibility some day. I was also reminded of a conversation I had with a dear friend who always says I'm easy to talk to. This person has confided in me about things that they said they have never told anyone else.
So this has me thinking a bit and perhaps we'll see what happens when those days of homeschooling are over. I'm open to wherever He leads me....

My heart has been so heavy still and I must admit that this morning I was feeling a bit cranky. But things have improved as the day has gone on. We're having a very large graduation party for Beth next Sunday and I have all of the work involved with that on my mind and I must admit I will be relieved when the preparations are over.
I know part of my depression is grieving about a relationship that is dear to my heart where I feel the person is upset with me, though they won't admit it, because of something I told them several months ago that I felt the dear Lord putting on my heart to tell them and they really didn't like hearing it. I'm missing how close we were this past year up to that time, and my heart is grieving. I keep trying to offer up the pain for this person because I do love them with a mother's heart, but I sometimes wish that God would just take away the love so that the pain would go away too. But a mother's heart isn't like that, I know...

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Memorial Day.....may you be ever mindful of His endless love....

A First Mass

I cried at Mass again today, but this time for a good reason. A young man from our parish was ordained to the priesthood Saturday and he said his first Mass today. It was beautiful....
I cried when he walked up to the altar at the beginning in his beautiful new vestments and kissed the altar.
I cried when he pronounced the words of Consecration for the first time and thought about how wonderful that must feel.
After Communion, he took a few moments to speak to us and then he pulled out a cloth. He told us that the after his ordination Mass, he took this cloth and wiped the chrism from his hands that the archbishop had anointed him with. He then proceeded to give this cloth to his mother, saying how instrumental she had been in raising him in the faith, and how supportive she had been of his vocation to the priesthood. Then he pulled out a stole and said that he was going to wear it the first time he heard Confessions and that afterwards, he was going to give it to his father because he had taught him about mercy and forgiveness, and he had always given him good counsel. That had lots of people tearing up...including me again, of course. What a blessing it would be to have a son as a priest.

I remembered him as a young awkward man and today he seemed poised and confident. It has been a joy to watch him grow into the priesthood. He has been in my prayers these last few years of seminary and he will remain in my prayers as a priest.

The rest of the day has been busy with church home which was very pleasant. Everyone stayed for dinner and we had too much good food....makes it hard to lose weight on these occasions.

I hope that all of you have had a blessed Sunday.....

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Busy Saturday

It's so nice having Mark home for three days. It really does help me to have him home. My heart is still heavy, but just by being here, he helps me to be able to get moving and keep moving somehow. Today we had to do a mailing for Presentation Ministries and we're getting ready for churchhome at our house tomorrow, including a dinner. So Beth and I are going grocery shopping, the boys are doing some cleaning, and Mark is working outside. We're hoping to go out for dinner tonight with friends which would be nice....we haven't done that in ages.
Hopefully, I can write more later or tomorrow.

A blessed Saturday to all....may your day be filled with His loving presence....

Friday, May 22, 2009

Battling the Blues

As I wrote yesterday, I am battling the blues again.
It seems to come up on me every year at this time and usually lasts for several months. I haven't figured out why. It makes no sense. I love the springtime and am tired of winter, so you would think I should be happy. School is winding down to our summer pace and yet this heaviness of heart weighs me down at every turn. I am usually at my best in the evening when Mark is home, but the mornings and afternoons are awful. I have to force myself to do everything.
I haven't been writing because I've been in this funk, but then I thought that perhaps writing about it would help me and hardly anyone reads this any more, so I won't be dragging too many others with me.
I do miss those old Xanga days....
Everyone is on Facebook, but it's just not the same.
It's amazing how every time I feel like this, I cry at every little thing. Drives me crazy...
On Monday, I thought that Will would be coming on Tuesday to teach Michael bass and John, piano, so I went out and spent part of the afternoon shopping for his birthday present. I was really happy about being able to give it to him so close to his birthday because I rarely get to see him on his actual birthday or anywhere close to it. Tuesday afternoon I dug out the boxes and the wrapping paper and had them all ready. Then he called to tell me he couldn't come. It took everything in me not to cry while I was talking to him. Silly, I know. I still haven't seen him and the presents are waiting on our dining room buffet where I don't have to look at them much....
Three weeks ago, one of the men from our parish died suddenly from a heart attack (he was out playing golf). I have known him and his family since I was a little girl (we belong to the parish I grew up in) and the boys and I went to his funeral. It was packed and I never had a chance to talk to his wife because there were so many people there. She's a real sweetheart....
Anyway, last Sunday at Mass, she was in the pew ahead of ours and when she turned around for the sign of peace, I saw her face and the grief in her eyes just overwhelmed me. I stood there silently crying in church. The memory of it is bringing tears to my eyes now....I know that this was a legitimate reason to cry, but I really wish I could have not stood there with tears running down my face at Mass.
I hate when I can't stop the tears...

I am thankful that I do have moments when I feel happy. Last night was the homeschool graduation and even though we don't have anyone graduating, we usually go. We know most of the people there and it's always a good chance to talk and socialize afterwards also. The Mass was beautiful.....they had a choir from one of the local parishes sing and they were wonderful. The closing song was the Hallelujah Chorus and it was awesome...
Our friend Paul gave the commencement speech and did an excellent job and everyone was telling him that he should have given the address at Notre Dame instead of Obama...hehe...
So for a few hours, my heart was lifted and I was happy and I am grateful for those reprieves.
I know that this too shall pass and so I'm finding myself trying to offer it up at every turn and pray that it will do some good, somewhere.
I know I need to get back to my spiritual reading. I have been caught up in reading too much depressing news about our world and other things and I haven't spent enough time reading things to nurture my soul. So I need to get back to that. I know it does me good.

Thanks for reading....a blessed Friday to all....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Living in my Car

Yesterday, it felt as if I spent most of my day in the car.
I was up early and did a few things around here. The boys and I headed to noon Mass and afterwards Michael went to a friend's house for some schoolwork and John and I met Beth for lunch at Chipotles. After that, I went to my aunt's to pay her bills. When I arrived there, I discovered that she was almost out of food in her house. I always have to probe for this because she doesn't want to "bother" me. All she had left was a box of cereal and a little milk. Drives me crazy when she does this....
So she wrote up a list for me and I went to the grocery store for her. I stayed and chatted with her for a while because I know how lonely she is.
Next it was off to the post office to mail her checks. Then I had to pick up Michael from his friend's house and drop off some of his other friends at their homes. We went back for about 25 minutes and then I took Michael to get something to eat and drove him to driver's ed. Yes, my Michael is now driving. I went back home for about 15 minutes and then I went to get my hair cut. I was home about 20 minutes and then Mark and I took John to the youth group's music practice. Mark and I went out for a nice dinner (our first out together in ages). We were just paying our bill when John called to be picked up. We went back to pick him up and then we drove over to Michael's driver's ed class and picked him up. We arrived home in time for Mark and I to take a walk just before it grew had been a beautiful day here (and is again today). Afterwards, we came home and watched the rest of the Reds game and then off to bed.
I was so busy that the only time I had to call Will for his birthday (he turned 27 yesterday) was when I was in the car between dropping off Michael at driver's ed and going to my hair appointment.
Today promises to be just as crazy....
And through this all I am battling my early summer blues that I have been getting every year for the last 3 or 4 years and I don't know why...

A blessed day to all of you.....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee...

We had our 40 Hours retreat last weekend and the theme was Pope Benedict's encyclical "On Christian Hope". It is much easier to read than I expected and even though I haven't read through the whole thing yet, there were several things in it that caught my attention.
Lately, I have been thinking about death a lot. I look at my very elderly parents and I know my mother is tired of living....she's tired of feeling bad all the time. She rarely complains, but I can see it in her eyes. Yesterday, we talked about it and I was saying to her that death doesn't hold the fear to me it used to have. If I found out today I was dying the only thing I would really feel bad about would be the impact it would have on Mark, my children, and my parents. I have hope that I will be going to a better life with a delay in purgatory. (I always tease my kids that they need to pray me out of purgatory when I die since they're one of the main reasons I'll have to spend a lot of time there...hehe....)
Pope Benedict quotes St. Ambrose in his encyclical:
"Death was not a part of nature; it became part of nature. God did not decree death from the beginning; he prescribed it as a remedy. Human life, because of sin.....began to experience the burden of wretchedness in unremitting labor and unbearable sorrow. There had to be a limit to its evils; death had to restore what life had forfeited. Without the assistance of grace, immortality is more of a burden than a blessing."
Our Holy Father writes:
"Perhaps many people reject the faith today simply because they do not find the prospect of eternal life attractive. What they desire is not eternal life at all, but this present life, for which faith in eternal life seems something of an impediment. To continue living forever-endlessly- appears more like a curse than a gift. Death, admittedly, one would wish to postpone for as long as possible. But to live always, without end- this, all things considered, can only be monotonous and ultimately unbearable."

The older I get, the more easily I can understand those feelings that to live forever on earth would be a curse. We can never reach here what our hearts ultimately long for. Lately, when I'm praying sometimes, I feel this great urge to be hugged by our Lord. I know it may sound crazy, but I feel this longing well up in me, and nothing can soothe it. I simply have to wait for it to go away...

Recently, I was at a graduation party for one of Beth's friends and a lot of the young adults I know were there. They were talking and singing and joking around, drinking a few beers, and planning on staying up late...something that a lot of them seem to do lately. Sometimes all night....and I was watching them wondering why they felt that need to stay up all night and it hit me that they were searching for something....some fulfillment in each other's company. Their hearts are searching and they think that, for now, this is the answer to their loneliness. I know that they have to feel unfulfilled by it, yet some of them keep trying to fill up that emptiness with the partying.
Beth hasn't ever really gotten into the all-night parties, though she does occasionally stay out until 2 AM or so, but she said to me recently how empty it is all getting; how she's tired of the partying; she's ready to grow up and move on with her life. But some of these young adults are in their late 20's, and they still don't seem to realize that their lives are meant to be more than the "good time".

I'm rambling on here and I need to get the boys going; dentist appointments this morning (yuck!).
Please forgive me for my boring musings....

A blessed day to all.....

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Graduation Day!!!

Today is Beth's graduation day!!! These last four years have flown past so baby is all grown up.

It's going to be a bit crazy today. I have a bridal shower at noon, Beth's graduation at 3, and a graduation party tonight for Beth's best friend, Alicia, who is graduating with her today. A happy, but busy day!

Tomorrow is a Mother's Day party at my brother's house.

I hope all of you have a blessed, peaceful weekend....

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Something I forgot to add to last night's post....
That friend of Beth's birthmother who contacted me last year after googling my name and getting my email address off a Caring Bridge site I had left a message on, is bugging me again. Obviously she didn't get the message last year that the decision to have a relationship with her birthmother is Beth's choice and that trying to guilt-trip us is counterproductive.
She sent me an email on Sunday morning and wanted to come visit us either Sunday afternoon or this coming weekend. (She lives a 2 hour drive away from us.) She wants to talk to Mark and me. Last year, she kept trying to tell me how healing it would be for Beth's birthmother and all of her family and friends if Beth would just reach out to her. She also tried to impress me with her own personal credentials. This woman is a lawyer and she sent me a link to her business website; she also sent me a link to some website that showed she had won some honors; and then she also sent me pictures of herself, her husband, and her two sons on their Caribbean Christmas vacation. She doesn't realize that made no great impression on me or Beth. I tried to explain to her in a charitable way then, our feelings and Beth's feelings, but she doesn't seem to get it.
It actually all has the exact opposite effect. It makes Beth even more nervous about the thought of a relationship with any of these people. Who wants to feel that they're in charge of a whole group of strangers' healing? She's afraid that it would be an awkward, demanding, complicated relationship and she really doesn't want that now.
I do write to Beth's birthmother; I do send pictures. She knows where Beth has gone to college; where we live; I sent her a link to the college soccer website so that she could keep up with Beth's team and personal accomplishments. She can see that she's happy and well. Maybe someday Beth will want a relationship with her, but I think it has to be Beth's choice and I'm not going to try to push her into it, and I really don't appreciate this woman trying to push me to do so.
So I guess I'm going to have to be more forceful in my reply this time. I've waited several days to reply to give myself time to calm down, but I realize that some people just don't seem to want to take no for an answer. She thinks that her feelings are more important than Beth's. She wrote that she will respect my decision but obviously she doesn't because she told me the same thing the last time she wrote, and here she is writing again.
So please say a prayer for me that I do this well.....

A blessed day to you all....

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Yes, I am Alive

have been so bad about updating lately. It gets worse the longer it goes because there's so much to write about that I don't know where to begin.
So I'll just go back to late last week. Will's sister, Liz, was married Friday night and many of us helped in food preparation for the reception. I went shopping Thursday for about a million grapes and strawberries, well maybe not a million, but it sure seemed like it when I was washing all of them Friday morning...
Thursday evening I went to a fellow homeschooler's home to make sandwiches. We had a lot of fun talking and working.
Friday morning dawned gray and rainy.... We went to the reception hall with the food we had at our house and helped with getting things ready there. Lots of excitement in the air! The boys and I went out for lunch and after we arrived home, it dawned on me that the boys had not worn their suits in several months and I should check to see how they fit. So four hours before we were scheduled to leave the house for the wedding, I discover that both boys were in desperate need of a new suit. Their sleeves were too short and John's pants were too short and tight. I would have laughed to see it if I hadn't been in a panic. I called Beth and she met me at Kohl's and we spent a lively 45 minutes finding new suits, shirts, and ties. We rushed home so that I could wash and iron the shirts, then Beth and I spent time getting ready.
The rain stopped but it was still gloomy, however it was a beautiful wedding. The bride was radiant and the groom was beaming....
We had a great time because so many of our friends were there. I also was able to meet some of Will's aunts who live in different parts of the country and his grandmother who lives in NJ near Philadelphia. What a lovely, wise woman! After the reception, we cleaned up and during this time, I had the opportunity to spend at least 15 minutes in discussion with her which I enjoyed immensely. We, however, did not get to bed until almost 3 AM.
Saturday morning we had bookpacking at the ministry center and Saturday evening was the homeschool prom. Beth and Steve were the DJs and Mark and I were chaperones. The boys were all handsome in their suits again and they had a wonderful time. Afterwards we had to clean up again and we didn't get to bed until after 2.
I was exhausted.
Sunday morning, Mark woke up with a migraine which made him sick to his stomach, so I took the boys to church alone.
Sunday afternoon found us at churchhome while poor Mark stayed home. We were all ready to get to bed early after that weekend!
Monday started early and I dragged around all day. It also brought sad news....the death of a fellow homeschooling mom from cancer....the mother of 5, ages 2 - 17; it also brought news that the father of a friend I've known since childhood, died suddenly from a heart attack.
However, life always conquers over death. Today, our friends, Paul and Denise became grandparents for the first time with the birth of Isabella Rose. Steve is now an uncle too...
Joy mixed with sorrow...
Birth, marriage, death....

I know I'm probably leaving out a lot, but that's the basics.

A blessed, peaceful night to all....

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Happy Feast of St. Mark

There must be something about me and April 25th. I was looking back at my old postings (I also have a Xanga blog that I started over 4 years ago) and four years ago today, I had bronchitis. Three years ago, I wasn't sick, but I was worried sick about my darlin' daughter who was having "Steve" woes, and wasn't eating. Two years ago, I had a bad migraine headache. One year ago, I had a sinus infection and found out that I have high blood pressure.
Last night, I was awakened abruptly when I turned over in my sleep and had a horrible pain in my back. I must have pulled a muscle somehow and wow....did it hurt! The pain was so bad that I was literally panting to breathe and since it was in my upper back, it hurt even more with every breath. I couldn't get comfortable, so I got up and tried walking around. It was one of those places on my back that I can't reach well, so trying to rub it was pretty well impossible. I woke up my poor husband with my moving around.
I tried laying down again but that was useless, so I sat in my chair in our bedroom. I took some Advil and waited a while, sat in my chair, and prayed, and started offering up the pain for parents, my dear husband, me darlin' children, the dear son of my heart, our friends, my godchildren...and somehow, being able to offer it up for all those people I love best brought me some joy. I found myself thanking our Lord for letting me share in His suffering a little. I tried to imagine how He must have suffered so much more than I was....and it brought me peace.
After about an hour, I was able to lay down (very carefully!) and sleep a little but then I had to get up early to take Michael, and his friend, Phil, who stayed overnight to Mass.
I think after this, I will take some more Advil and see if I can take a little nap.....

A blessed, peaceful weekend to all....

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I didn't have the most productive day, but that happens sometimes. We were up to go to early Mass; then we drove to the seminary here for a library tour with Michael's religion class from co-op. We didn't get home until almost 3 o'clock, which put all of my normal Thursday duties behind. However, we did manage to get some of the basic school subjects covered and I did make it to Adoration favorite part of the week....His blessed presence and peace.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Easter Friday

It was an absolutely beautiful April day here. We grilled out steaks for dinner and afterwards, Mark wanted to work in the yard for a while before we went to Adoration, so we arrived a bit later than we usually do.
The church where we go on Friday nights has a small chapel that they use for Adoration. When Mark and I walked in tonight, I immediately felt uncomfortable. One of our friends was there and another older woman in her 60's. Across the room, sitting on the side, was a man. He was the cause of my discomfort. He sat sideways, not facing the altar, and was looking at us with a strange smile on his face. He was drinking from a bottle of soft drink and had no book in hand; he wasn't even looking at our Lord. He was just looking at all of us. I felt those waves of evil that I have felt in other places, at other times.
We knelt down and I could feel his eyes on us. I struggled to pray....
About five minutes later, our friend, Lynn, got up to leave and came over to me. She whispered to me, asking me if I knew the man. I told her no, and she said that he had been there when she had arrived over an hour ago. She had planned on leaving earlier, but he had unnerved her so, that she didn't want to leave the older woman there alone with him. I told her that he was making me very uncomfortable also...
I whispered to Mark what she had said to me and the whole time, I could feel him watching us. I started praying to our dear Lord to send His angels to watch over us, guard us. I actually found myself wondering if he would whip out a gun and shoot us or something. Sounds crazy, I know, but with so much of that stuff going on lately, it didn't seem impossible. My thoughts immediately went to my dear children and wondering how such a tragedy would affect them. I kept praying for protection. I didn't think we should leave....I didn't want to leave the other woman alone with him, and I knew that if the woman left too, he would be alone with the Eucharist, and I was afraid he might have plans of desecration.

Later, Mark told me that he started praying that if the man wasn't supposed to be there, that he would leave. About five minutes later, he stood up, and without genuflecting or even looking in the Lord's direction, he left. I was so relieved. The other woman turned around and looked at me with a huge look of relief on her face too.
I must admit, every time the door opened after that, I held my breath wondering if it would be him coming back again, but thankfully, he didn't.
It always amazes me how I've become more sensitive to those waves of evil. I have felt them when we have prayed in front of abortion clinics and in certain parts of the city that we live in. I have felt them when we have been other places on vacation. I remember once several years ago, we drove through what appeared to be a quiet little town. The waves of evil struck me as we drove down the street. I said something to Mark and he had felt it too. A bit unnerving....

Thank you, Lord, for your loving presence; your comforting protection.

A blessed Easter Saturday to all.....

Sunday, April 12, 2009

He is Risen!!! Alleluia!!!

A happy, blessed Easter to all!!!!

The Easter Vigil Mass last night was always brings tears to my eyes. The moments I love best are when the Easter Proclamation is sung with the church all dark except for the candlelight; the Gloria when the church bells ring; the baptisms, confirmations, First Communions; watching the priest put the reserved Eucharist back into the tabernacle so that it is no longer empty; going to Communion myself.
Two little brothers were brought into the Church last night. One was an adorable little 3 year old and the other was his 8 year brother who was also celebrating his birthday. So that little guy will always be able to remember that he was baptized, confirmed, and made his First Communion on his birthday....isn't that awesome??!!
It's a beautiful morning here....hopefully it is at your house too....

Monday, April 6, 2009

Holy Monday

It was a cold rainy day here....more like February than April. We even had snow flurries for a while.
I didn't have the best day, I must confess. John had a rough school day....he struggled with everything and I had to spend a lot of time with him and we still didn't get finished. I had to do the ironing for my mom and run some errands, go to my parents, pick up Michael from co-op, and try to listen to the Reds' game when possible. Unfortunately, they lost, 2-1.
I rushed around to get to my hair appointment at 5, only to find out that they had forgotten to call me to cancel. My hairstylist was sick, which means that my hair won't be able to be done before Easter.
I had been looking forward to those 90 minutes of sitting there and relaxing. Instead, I went back home and did some more school with John and made dinner, then went off to a planning meeting for the food for the wedding of Will's sister in a few weeks. That lasted until after 9. I'm in charge of the fruit, grapes and strawberries....doesn't sound too bad.
So now a tired me is off to bed. My day didn't go like I planned; my heart was heavy all day; but I offered it all up to Him. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad day after all...
A blessed, peaceful night to all.....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Palm Sunday

Another week has gone by...I can't believe it's Palm Sunday already. Lent has flown by so quickly.
I love Palm Sunday Mass, though I must admit I cried during the Gospel. It's always difficult for me to imagine the pain and suffering our dear Lord endured because I know it's much greater than anything I could possibly imagine, but I have little difficulty in relating to how Peter felt when he denied Him. It brings tears to my eyes every time I read that Peter went out and wept.
I always find myself wondering what thoughts and feelings were running through our dear Blessed Mother's mind...the heartache she endured. This last week, I've been having a little heartache myself and I keep reminding myself that I am enduring only a little of what her heart must have endured. Sometimes, having to hold love in is a heartache in itself. I keep offering it up for the person who is causing it and for my dear children.

We had a busy weekend. Friday night I helped serve at the rehearsal dinner for the daughter of friends of ours. It was a very busy 4 hours of being on my feet (I never sat down once the whole time) and washing lots of dishes! By the time it was our turn to eat, I had scraped so much leftovers off the plates, that the food didn't look too appetizing to me!
Saturday morning we were up early to go to a conference. The guest speakers were Fr. Mitch Pacwa and Dr. Scott Hahn. They were awesome! Dr.Hahn was especially interesting. We arrived home just in time to clean up to go to the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and a lovely reception, but I was really tired before midnight had even arrived.
The week ahead brings taxes, schoolwork, errands, and Holy Week. We finally received the last paper we needed to do our taxes and I'm dreading them, but I know I must do them this week. It's also my mother's 85th birthday on Good Friday and I'm trying to figure out what we can do to celebrate a little without breaking our fast or the seriousness of the day.
I don't know when I'll have a chance to get on here again this week, but I do want to wish all of you a blessed Holy Week....a time when you can hopefully grow closer to our Blessed Saviour.
His peace to you all.....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Trying to Survive in the River of Death

Another week has gone by....
I haven't updated because, frankly, Thursday and Friday I was so depressed that anything I would have written would have been whiny. The depression was prompted mostly by my deplorable hormones but aggravated by the circumstances of my life and the craziness of this world we're all living in.
On Monday, I attended the funeral of someone from Presentation Ministries, the lay ministry we're involved in...always a reminder that we must always be ready.
Wednesday, Mark told me about one of his coworker's 4 year old son dying suddenly in emergency surgery. He hadn't been feeling well for a few days and when they took him to the doctor, they ran some tests and found a rare kidney disorder. They tried dialysis which didn't help like they hoped. He had some type of surgery and died during it. The father was so distraught when he called to tell his boss about it, that the boss couldn't understand everything he said. Heartbreaking....
We also found out this week that a friend lost his job. He and his wife have five young children that they are trying to homeschool. Their 6 year old son fell and broke his femur, which resulted in surgery and a long recovery ahead. We're not sure what their insurance status is but we do know that the husband and wife are having marital difficulties. Things are not fun at their house these days.

The hormones resulted in me crying at the drop of a hat....Friday night I was literally crying when we went to bed. I was crying to poor Mark that I was scared.
All week long, I've had this picture in my mind....
I'm standing in a river and the water is rushing past me....I'm trying to hold on to my children.....trying to keep them from being swept away. I am overwhelmed with praying and hoping that they will stand in the water on their own....I'm afraid I will lose.
The dear Lord has entrusted me to try to raise these three dear souls for His kingdom. He has also given me a spiritual son to pray for and try to mother. Sometimes I feel as if everything is working against me. They don't always seem to understand the dangers I'm trying to teach them about; I'm so afraid I will fail in my task....

Today I woke up feeling a bit better...the hormones must be beginning to calm down. We went to 11 AM Mass. Beth and Steve were with us and I was glad because Father had an excellent homily....he was on fire.
He started out by talking about today's Gospel..."I am troubled now. Yet, what should I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour." He said to us that Jesus had free will and that He could have chosen to escape this hour. But He suffered through it for us, He suffered the now, to bring us eternal life. Then Father went on to say that we need to be willing to suffer now in order to gain eternal life. We have to think of that, not what we want to enjoy at this moment. He said we have to be willing to be martyred.
He talked about the Notre Dame scandal and how the president of Notre Dame is choosing for the prestige of this moment and is causing scandal to the country and is risking his eternity. He spoke about Cardinal Egan and his recent comments about the need "to rethink priestly celibacy" and how he is risking his eternity for the "now". He spoke about the Catholic politicians, the bishops, and the clergy who are causing scandal with their beliefs and actions, leading people astray, and risking their eternity. He went on to talk about how we need to be willing to bypass the pleasure of the "now" and suffer for the sake of our eternities. He spoke about living together in sin and artificial conception and how people are risking their souls for the pleasure of "now". He spoke about how people say that the Church "needs to get with the times" when the reality is that the times need to get with the Church.
He was awesome...
An image that he used was related to the one I've had in my mind all week. He said that our culture and society are a river of death and that we need to swim against this current; this river of death. Gave me chills to hear him say it when that was the same basic thought I had had in my mind all week.
After Mass, I spoke to a friend and told her how I had had that image in my mind all week of trying to hold onto my children in the river's current and she added that another problem is that as we're standing there trying to hold onto them, that the reality is that sometimes our feet give way and we move in the current with true! I have caught myself in the last few years letting myself give in on something that I shouldn't have and I've been so unhappy with myself....things that I have tried to convince myself were not that bad, but in reality are part of that slippery slope. It is so, so difficult in this culture. Especially when people who we respect are giving in on some things with their children and our children are using them as an example. None of us are perfect and sometimes we can all misjudge.
So Father fired me up to keep fighting the fight. I know I have to keep in mind that I am not in this fight alone. Our dear Lord is right here with me, even if I don't always feel His presence. He loves me and He loves my children even more than I do. I am not alone.
I must keep a prayer, His name, always on my lips, always on my mind.

A blessed Sunday to all.....