Sunday, March 29, 2009

Trying to Survive in the River of Death

Another week has gone by....
I haven't updated because, frankly, Thursday and Friday I was so depressed that anything I would have written would have been whiny. The depression was prompted mostly by my deplorable hormones but aggravated by the circumstances of my life and the craziness of this world we're all living in.
On Monday, I attended the funeral of someone from Presentation Ministries, the lay ministry we're involved in...always a reminder that we must always be ready.
Wednesday, Mark told me about one of his coworker's 4 year old son dying suddenly in emergency surgery. He hadn't been feeling well for a few days and when they took him to the doctor, they ran some tests and found a rare kidney disorder. They tried dialysis which didn't help like they hoped. He had some type of surgery and died during it. The father was so distraught when he called to tell his boss about it, that the boss couldn't understand everything he said. Heartbreaking....
We also found out this week that a friend lost his job. He and his wife have five young children that they are trying to homeschool. Their 6 year old son fell and broke his femur, which resulted in surgery and a long recovery ahead. We're not sure what their insurance status is but we do know that the husband and wife are having marital difficulties. Things are not fun at their house these days.

The hormones resulted in me crying at the drop of a hat....Friday night I was literally crying when we went to bed. I was crying to poor Mark that I was scared.
All week long, I've had this picture in my mind....
I'm standing in a river and the water is rushing past me....I'm trying to hold on to my children.....trying to keep them from being swept away. I am overwhelmed with praying and hoping that they will stand in the water on their own....I'm afraid I will lose.
The dear Lord has entrusted me to try to raise these three dear souls for His kingdom. He has also given me a spiritual son to pray for and try to mother. Sometimes I feel as if everything is working against me. They don't always seem to understand the dangers I'm trying to teach them about; I'm so afraid I will fail in my task....

Today I woke up feeling a bit better...the hormones must be beginning to calm down. We went to 11 AM Mass. Beth and Steve were with us and I was glad because Father had an excellent homily....he was on fire.
He started out by talking about today's Gospel..."I am troubled now. Yet, what should I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour." He said to us that Jesus had free will and that He could have chosen to escape this hour. But He suffered through it for us, He suffered the now, to bring us eternal life. Then Father went on to say that we need to be willing to suffer now in order to gain eternal life. We have to think of that, not what we want to enjoy at this moment. He said we have to be willing to be martyred.
He talked about the Notre Dame scandal and how the president of Notre Dame is choosing for the prestige of this moment and is causing scandal to the country and is risking his eternity. He spoke about Cardinal Egan and his recent comments about the need "to rethink priestly celibacy" and how he is risking his eternity for the "now". He spoke about the Catholic politicians, the bishops, and the clergy who are causing scandal with their beliefs and actions, leading people astray, and risking their eternity. He went on to talk about how we need to be willing to bypass the pleasure of the "now" and suffer for the sake of our eternities. He spoke about living together in sin and artificial conception and how people are risking their souls for the pleasure of "now". He spoke about how people say that the Church "needs to get with the times" when the reality is that the times need to get with the Church.
He was awesome...
An image that he used was related to the one I've had in my mind all week. He said that our culture and society are a river of death and that we need to swim against this current; this river of death. Gave me chills to hear him say it when that was the same basic thought I had had in my mind all week.
After Mass, I spoke to a friend and told her how I had had that image in my mind all week of trying to hold onto my children in the river's current and she added that another problem is that as we're standing there trying to hold onto them, that the reality is that sometimes our feet give way and we move in the current with true! I have caught myself in the last few years letting myself give in on something that I shouldn't have and I've been so unhappy with myself....things that I have tried to convince myself were not that bad, but in reality are part of that slippery slope. It is so, so difficult in this culture. Especially when people who we respect are giving in on some things with their children and our children are using them as an example. None of us are perfect and sometimes we can all misjudge.
So Father fired me up to keep fighting the fight. I know I have to keep in mind that I am not in this fight alone. Our dear Lord is right here with me, even if I don't always feel His presence. He loves me and He loves my children even more than I do. I am not alone.
I must keep a prayer, His name, always on my lips, always on my mind.

A blessed Sunday to all.....

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