Halfway to Christmas

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that it is the Feast of the Birth of St. John the Baptist which also means that it is halfway back through the year to Christmas. It's hard to imagine that six months ago it was Christmas Eve and I had no thought in my mind that in six months our friend Kay would be dying of cancer and that I would be getting ready to have radiation treatments for cancer myself. Life surely can change quickly....

I know I haven't written much lately but I've actually spent much of my free time at home reading about treatment options. There is so much information out there and so many different opinions. It boggles my mind at times but I keep praying for direction and discernment. I went to the radiation oncologist on Tuesday for my consultation and she totally agreed with our decision to skip chemo. She couldn't understand why it had even been offered to me. A few other things she said made me think that I definitely need to get a second opinion about hormone therapy. I don't want to be pushed into something I don't need. She also called my surgeon while I was there and asked her why my clear margin was so small on one side (only 1mm). It turns out that my tumor was that close to my chest wall...yikes! I was so close to being stage 3; just 1mm(the thickness of a dime) away...the dear Lord is good indeed. It does reinforce our decision to do the radiation.

On Tuesday, they did a simulation and marked me all up. I am now blessed with some nice black X's and round sticky tape. I will have my first radiation treatment on Monday. I'm going to have 23 treatments to the general area and then a two week break before I get 8 boosts, which are treatments that are directed exactly at the area where my tumor was. This is more than the usual number of boosts but that's because my clear margin was so small on the side that was next to my chest wall. They want to make sure that there are no little bad cells still floating around there. I should hopefully being finishing up just in time to start school with John. The common side effects are burn to the area and fatigue. I've read online that the fatigue can last for months after the treatments are over. Time will tell...

I am so grateful for all of the prayers. I know that His grace is the only thing keeping me from getting in the panic mode. It's also what is keeping me from staying in the self-pity mode. There have been moments when I've fallen into feeling sorry for myself and His grace keeps me from staying there long. I was talking to a friend about it last weekend and told her that I had moments of struggle in this area but then remind myself that lots of people have had to deal with far more than I am and how blessed I feel to have such a wonderfully supportive husband, family, and friends. She said that she always reminds herself when she's tempted to say "Why me?" that she should be saying "Why NOT me?" Wise words indeed and I know that I will keep her words in mind any time that I'm tempted to go there.

Three weeks ago we were at the wedding of the son of dear friends of ours and at the end we were watching the couple dance one more time and two of my friends were sitting by me holding their grandbabies and I got all teary-eyed wondering if I would get to be at my children's weddings and hold my grandbabies someday. I keep telling myself that I have to keep trusting in His plan; that He knows what is best. It's not always easy to do but with His grace I can do all things...