Wednesday, July 2, 2008

That Same Old Pain....

Having one of my sad days...not depressed, but just sad. There's a relationship in my life that causes me pain sometimes and the last few days it has been building up. Especially today. But it's funny that when those sad days come, I find myself feeling a bit of comfort from our dear Lord. I've been going through a dry period in my spiritual life, (which is probably my fault) but today I'm feeling a bit of His peace. Every cloud has a silver lining....

I've also found myself thinking about that old infertility stuff again. You would think that I would be over it now that I've reached the golden age of 50, but still it haunts me sometimes. This past month I had the longest cycle that I've had in about 20 years and a part of me was beginning to wonder. I kept telling myself that it's just because I'm getting old, but I still found myself feeling a bit hopeful. I told Beth about it last week and she me told to go buy a pregnancy test, but I didn't. We talked for a bit about what it would be like if I was pregnant. Crazy, I know. Part of me was scared to death to think about it.....carrying a baby at age 50 when I already have high blood pressure. I could imagine how our families would have reacted.....hehe.....but I knew deep inside that I would have been so happy.
A bit scared, but happy.
But, of course, I'm not.
I linked to someone's blog these last few days who is suffering through infertility. She was writing about all of her feelings and everything she's going through. I want to write her sometime and tell her how blessed she is that there is so much more treatment available now than when I was suffering through it 25 years ago. In those days, there was only one infertility specialist in Cincinnati and he just kept pushing the in vitro fertilization, which of course, I couldn't do. Now there's the Pope Paul VI Institute out in Omaha to help women trying to get pregnant and even here in Cincinnati there's a doctor who was trained there. There's also the internet with tons of information that wasn't available to me back in the 80's or 90's. She still has hope; mine is gone.
I know that our dear Lord meant our family to be this way but when times like last week happen, I find myself feeling a bit of hope and then that wistfulness hits me when the hope is dashed again.
I can imagine the joy that St. Elizabeth and Sarah felt when they conceived in their old age.
But I know that through the ages there have been thousands of women who have endured the pain that I have had to endure. I know that I am not alone.

May you be ever mindful of our dear Lord's comforting presence.....

1 comment:

jordin said...

Infertility is definitely the hardest thing i have ever dealt with. And there is nothing worse than having people around you that dont understand the pain. A few weeks ago i had some one try to comfort me by saying that God has a plan for how my family is to look. It ripped like a knife because, well, she has 5 children... and because it was God who gave me the desire to have children. It's a painful conundrum. I do believe that Gods plan is perfect... but that doesnt mean it's pain-free.